Survey Says

Everyone has their own version of the 'perfect guy'. Most lists have the standard: good looks, sense of humor, intelligence. And, then some lists also include things such as strong family values, fun personality, and good shoes. Ok, maybe that last one is just on mine. Most of the time though if we find a guy that has just one of these characteristics we jump the gun and think maybe, could it be, that we have found the perfect guy! And the list goes right out the window. We zero in, not thinking through the other choices we might have, only because we so desperately want this guy right now to be the right one. Why do we do this? It's because we have the Family Feud mentality.

You know how on Family Feud the host will pose a question like, "Name an animal that begins with the letter 'C' and some fool will respond with, "Caribou!" and that person's family will hesitate for a second before erupting with enthusiastic applause and cheers of "good answer!" when you, the home viewer, are thinking just like everyone else, um, that's not a good answer. Cow is a good answer. Cat. Caribou? What the hell?

The host yells out, "Show me caribou!" and the response is a loud buzzer and a big red 'X' that signifies that the given answer is not only not on the list but that the person who gave the answer is an idiot. But the thing is, it was that person's turn, their choice, their mistake to make, that's how the game is played. The family will groan sympathetically, supportive to the person guessing and will keep cheering knowing that their next answer will be better. I mean anything has to be better than caribou.

This is the Family Feud mentality. This way of thinking, this confidence in decision-making, hopeful, full-steam ahead, screw what you think because I got it right this time feeling has caused females across the nation to cross paths with the following motley crew of males:

10. Ego-booster guy: You're not really interested in him. You didn't even notice him until he started telling you how beautiful you are, how he'd like to take you out and when he does shows up with flowers and holds the door open. He's bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, nice, polite, calls when he says he will but in the back of your mind you think, he's not that cute. He could even borderline ugly. And there are such lulls in the conversation that at certain points you swear you hear crickets or snippets of other people's conversations which are far better than the one you are participating in. But the boy sure knows how to give a compliment. Somehow these guys usually show up when you're having a fat day or during a wedding reception.

9. I-can't-see-straight-because-I'm-drunk guy: The guy you've hooked up with only due to high levels of intoxication. If you are fortunate you will not have to see this guy again because hopefully you were smart and did not spend the night. You probably either puked or cried in front of him and if you did stay the night, you wake up with mascara smeared under your eyes, a bad case of cotton mouth, and recoil at the first spot of daylight. You look over. He is passed out, drooling, one hand down his pants. You hope to never see him again. He's not ugly. At least he wasn't the night before.

8. White Picket Fence guy: He's smart, kind, and is as loyal as a Golden Retriever. He has the kind of looks that you find in a Ralph Lauren sailing ad. You know that he wants 2.5 children, a manicured lawn and a country club membership. He is the modern day equivalent to Prince Charming. But after awhile he looks a little too vanilla. His demeanor a tad too pure. Also, you think he might have his mom on speed dial. Plus, don't you think it's the pure ones that usually end up wanting to wear your underwear?

7. Take One For the Team guy: If you're lucky this guy is at least cute and can hold your attention as you're supposed to distract him while your friend flirts with his friend. Hopefully by the end of the night she will have locked it up so that you won't have to go into overtime because he's actually kind of getting on your nerves. Guys think they are the only ones who have wingmen. I beg to differ.

6. Older guy: This guy has his act together. He wines and dines you and knows what he wants. He's romantic without being corny, sweet without being sappy. Witty without being pretentious. However, he begins to refer to you and he as 'we' as in, "We are going to look at houses next weekend. We are planning to fly to Wisconsin to see my parents for the holiday." You've been dating for three weeks. You're not sure you even know his last name. In this scenario, don't answer his calls and pretend that you have moved. Or better yet don't pretend, just move.

5. In Theory guy: This is a guy that you have been friends with for awhile and get along with so well that you think that in theory you should be a perfect match. You have the same taste in music and can have four hour conversations about absolutely nothing. You finish each other's sentences. You go together like peas and carrots. You find this to be less true when you learn that he is a follower of the jackrabbit sex method. This is bad.

4. The "Yes" guy: Is he good-looking, charming, sweet? Yes, yes and yes. Do most of your conversations end with him apologizing and/or explaining himself? Yes. Does he already have a girlfriend that you didn't know about? Yes. Has she called you herself to tell you this? Quite possibly, yes.

3. I Told You So guy: This could be the same as Yes guy except that you already sensed that he probably had a girlfriend. You already knew that going into this you weren't looking for a serious relationship, you were looking for a project. You wanted to be the person that proved everyone wrong and could show what a sweet, misunderstood, decent guy he is. He's not. It's not your friends saying I told you so. It's you saying it to yourself.

2. Recovery guy: Don't confuse him with a rebound guy. Recovery guy is there to help you recover from the last guy you were with. He's not there to rebound you back into relationship mode. He is there mostly for decoration so that just by looking at him it makes you feel better.

1. Perfect guy: This guy didn't make the survey...

Yet.

Yes, I said it. I do think the perfect guy is out there because someone's caribou could be your cow and vice-versa. We may not get it right the first time. Or the tenth. It may not be the most popular choice but even if it's the wrong one we can continue clapping with all the enthusiasm we had at the beginning because win or lose each turn we have we still get to believe that this time, we got it right. That this was the time we finally, truly have a good answer. There are no takebacks. That's how the game is played. Go big or go home. There's no other way.

You're Nobody Until I Say Otherwise

Did you know that at this very moment you could have someone out there who thinks you are their girlfriend, but you're not? It could be someone you went on a couple of dates with or someone you hung out with on a Friday night. You could be part of a couple and not know. Don't believe me? Well, once upon a time Girl met Guy and there was a mutual attraction. Girl and Guy hung out a total of two times before Guy took it upon himself to call Girl and dump her. Was she heartbroken? Devastated? No. She was confused. How did this happen? How did she get dumped by someone that wasn't her boyfriend? You always hear about guys jumping the gun by ending things before they get too involved or hurt, but isn't this a little bit ridiculous?

Story doesn't stop here. Weeks later Guy is at the same bar as Girl and corners her to discuss their 'relationship'. And, this is where my intervention becomes necessary. Drunken and perturbed I hobble up to them and tell Guy that I hurt my foot and currently my shoe is filling up with blood. I need Girl to come with me immediately. I am wearing flip flops. I hope Guy receives this blatant message. No harm no foul. Probably one of the easiest breakups in history.

We should look at this as an urban myth, an isolated incident from a guy who is confused. But this really does happen. Gone are the days when girls are asked to 'go steady' and on to the future where assumption equals exclusive relationship. Say you're friends with a guy and start hanging out, hooking up, and can do things like play miniature golf and cook dinner together when to you it seems casual and to him it seems domestic and couple-y. I see it now as a movie split screen where girl is participating in these events with thoughts of where her next margarita will come from and guy has a cartoon balloon over his head filled with hearts. Does this not seem backwards? Isn't it the girl who's always portrayed as assuming commitment too early? Next thing you know the 'L' word is dropped out of nowhere, on the phone and you think, do I have a bad connection? Was that a 'love ya' in the casual, friendly context? Sadly no, it was a distinct 'I love you.' Oh no. My connection is bad...static...can't hear you....What else can you do in a situation like that? It temporarily stuns you because you didn't even think you were a couple, apparantly he did. Awk-ward. So you'll learn for next time, right?

Wrong.

Fast forward to adult man and when I say adult, I'm talking about hefty career aspirations, ability to purchase real estate, and ultimately discussion of coupledom far too fast and furious. It is this man you should be wary of if you begin dating him near the holidays. He wants you to meet his family, share a Christmas goose, look at houses with him. Wait, what? You have been dating a total of two weeks and you wanted a guy who could commit...eventually. You nod politely and tell him that you would love to meet his family but you are allergic to goose and your own family is expecting you for the holiday. He, being the mature 30-something he is, smiles and assures you that he understands but his sister is having a party next weekend and maybe you can at least meet her then. Because she wants to meet you. His girlfriend. If this was a movie this is where the music would come to a screeching halt because you barely know this guy. Although you have had some fun dates, long conversations, whatever happened to slow and steady wins the race? So the last phone call goes unreturned. And the one after that and the one after that. Immature? Of course. But maybe he will just chalk it up to the difference in age.

I think for a relationship to be considered coupledom that both parties must not only be privy to this next step but agree upon it. There doesn't have to be a signed document, but a clarification, a discussion would be nice. Otherwise, then the guy thinks you are an insensitive, commitment-phobic tramp and you are left wondering how did you not know that you had been cast for the role of girlfriend. I guess there is fine line between the time someone turns from a nobody into a somebody. Sometimes you are dragged across it. Sometimes you'd rather pretend it's not there. Wherever your line is it's your decision for when you want to cross it and if you're lucky, when you're ready, you'll have someone waiting for you on the other side.

Very Well Then, No Cookies for You

It's always thrilling to do something you know you're not supposed to do. Whether it's when you're a kid and sneak a cookie before dinner or when you're a teenager and sneak out of your parent's house to go meet your friends, the act of rebellion, no matter how small makes you feel exhilarated. Even when you get caught, it is usually worth it. It's worth the cookie. It's worth being grounded. But, have you noticed that slowly these rebellious acts seem to fade away until we become the dreaded adult? It just kind of sneaks up on you until one day you realize that that job you have, it's real. Those bills that come in the mail, they're real too and even if you want to rebel against them, you can't. It's this blindsided push into adulthood that has confirmed my belief that I'm not the working kind. I may not even be the adult kind.

I believe working a 9 to 5 job has paralyzed whatever creative thoughts I had left in my brain, it makes me look forward to noon as I know that lunch will be my only excitement of the day. I find myself at work laughing at people who yell at me for their inadequacies which only makes them madder and I think, how long am I going to be able get away with doing absolutely nothing and having no one notice? I informed my mom halfway through college that I simply wasn't the working kind and she said that no one was, no one liked to work. I beg to differ. Did you know there are people who like mornings? As in, they are morning people. As in they wake up before their alarms and face each day thinking, how much can I accomplish today? This only happens to me three times a year: the day after my birthday, January 2nd, and a random day in autumn when everything just feels inspiring. These three days trick me into thinking that I can be a person of accomplishment.

I think my lack of motivation is due to my ambivalent view on how I think a person should live their life. I know that after a certain age you're supposed to look past the ideal of living in the moment and actually take responsibility, start a 401K, and get health insurance but I started thinking, what left is there to work towards besides just enjoying life? I went to college just like I was supposed to, I got a job and now I look back and think that milestone of graduation was so anticlimactic that now I just feel gypped. The next milestone is supposed to be a promotion in your career, but what if you are never going to be the type to have a career and getting a promotion means switching jobs? I hear you saying, the next milestone is getting married and having a family. What if I never get married and never have a family? Sometimes these milestones happen out of order or don't happen at all. Sometimes the excitement of not knowing is in truth more exciting than knowing. It has the element of surprise, the hope that the future will show you that life isn't a sequential timeline that requires certain stops along the way and detours won't prevent you from still cruising along just fine.

I admire those who have come into the responsibilities of adulthood a little easier than I have, but even if you are one of those people, you have to admit that all those exciting things that you did that maybe you weren't supposed to, the things that you worried might take you off the path for a minute, they are so much better than anything you could ever have planned. Planning for the future is worth it and I'm sure I'll do it one of these days but until then, all those other times; they're so worth the cookie.

If You're Gonna Drink the Kool-Aid Sip Slowly

I never imagined my wedding as a little girl. My favorite Disney movie is 'Beauty and the Beast' where ultimately it is Belle who saves the Beast. I don't stand up for the bouquet toss at weddings but I do hope for the fairytale. And I know this is the protest of every independent woman out there but there is a small part in the back of our minds that is hoping that today will be the day we will meet the man of our dreams. It might not be obvious at the time but the thought is always there. I have come to realize though that this hope is not only ridiculous but statistically is just not going to happen.

In an article I read recently there was a quote from a clinical psychologist that said to get a guy to pop the question 49 percent of it depends on the right woman and 51 percent depends on his readiness to commit. On the same day, my friend told me that her college sweetheart who she dated on and off for ten years is getting married. His reason: because his bride is someone who will not cheat on him. I also know a girl who is getting married after being with her future husband for eight years and seven of those eight years he cheated on her. And she knows it. This isn't quite the fairytale I had in mind.

On the flip side staying single involves having crushes who never pan out because cynicism sets in and takes over the situation, one night stands who turn into year long flings who turn out to have live-in girlfriends, and of course the ever annoying relatives who are praying that this holiday season you are going to bring someone home. So I could have a man who is so ambivalent about me that his primary reason to marry me is because I wouldn't cheat on him or potential drama with hook-up guy's girlfriend. These are my options? Someone gouge out my eyeballs now. I told this to one of my friends who happens to happily be in a relationship with a guy who she is planning on marrying someday. I told her I didn't want to rain on her parade but even if I found the right guy tomorrow it would only 49% matter. The other 51% would depend on if he was 'ready for me'. That means I could meet a fantastic guy and we could be together for years and he may always be looking for greener grass and I would be none the wiser because I thought that meeting the right person was equivalent to being ready for a relationship. Silly me.

What ever happened to romantic, want to spend the rest of my life with you kind of love that led to marriage instead of well, we've been dating for a decade now you wanna just get married or what? What if I meet someone who I think is the One and later realize that I was only honorable mention to him and that his One person just came at the wrong time. So the question is, do I follow the herd, drink the Kool-Aid and decide to just take the best of what comes along and be on my deluded version of a fairytale way or do I still believe that there is someone who will not only hold the boom box over his head but will also arrive at just the right time? In my fairtytale I'm sure my prince will chug my Kool-Aid, trip over the boom box, and be late.

But at least there will be a happy ending.