i'm a brat. let's be honest though. you are too.

I've seem to have had several arguments that have ended with the other person telling me they're not perfect. As if this is the answer to everything we've just been fighting about. But that's not an answer, it's a fact.

No one is perfect.

And no one should expect someone else to be. But there's a difference from hiding behind imperfection and continuously working on being a better person. To know you have things to work on and you choose not to is almost as bad as saying that you're perfect in the first place. No one should be above addressing their shortcomings, righting their wrongs, if for no one else but themselves. But few people take criticism well, me included, and no one wants it pointed out. But if the person I am now is the only version of the person I'll ever be then what am I doing? I'm never gonna meet anyone new? Or do anything different? I'm going to listen only to myself and never see things from a different point of view? I should be ok with who I am now, because I'm imperfect and that's just who I am, period?

Ummm...no....

My older brother has recently pointed out that I am bullheaded. To which my immediate reaction was to say, 'No, I'm not.' And obviously he's right, I am bullheaded or at least can be. As in what I say goes. Like when I say, I don't want to talk about it or I don't want to do it, he and my family knows that I'm not going to talk about it and I'm not going to do it (yep, even at 27 this brat side of me still comes out) no further discussion. I know I'm like this but now I know that this may hurt them, which is something I never want to do. I do like to think things through before speaking (usually!) and that means if I'm put on the spot about something, my initial reaction may be to shut down or defy it. They know it's not something that'll change in me overnight or ever all the way, but I want to alter it enough so as not to hurt them. It's not easy and sometimes, I feel like my family is a pain in the prying ass but what's more important, making an effort for my family or being stubborn for selfish reasons?

So few things annoy me more then someone saying to me, 'that's just how I am', I'm not gonna change. Like that's it. You're never gonna ever be different? You're not gonna even TRY? Smells like bullshit to me. Because if you're the exact same person you were five years ago, ten years ago time must've stood still for you. If I was the same person I was five or ten years ago, well, that'd be a whole other set problems in and of itself. So when someone says something that ridiculous, I want to be like, well no shit that's how you are...but do you think that makes everything you do ok?

Everyone makes mistakes. Has regrets. Everyone has said things they don't mean. If someone I care about doesn't like something I'm doing, I know it's less about me as a person and more about my actions, actions that can be changed. Sometimes people think they can't change who they are, but they confuse this with not wanting to. All it takes is time and trying. And if you're so above giving it time to work on it or trying a new perspective, then I would rather hear that.

Own up to it.

Just say you don't want to change for anyone. That you are above it. You're too scared. You're too lazy. Because at least there's the truth. Because at the basis of my annoyance with someone who makes the 'never gonna change' excuse is that that person is lying. They will change. When the time is right for them. When they do own up to it, their fears or reasons for not wanting to budge. Whatever it is that's holding them still. They lie because it's easier. Gives them more room to screw up. They are just fine. They forget no one is asking for perfection. They forgot what it's like to be and want more.

They forget what it feels like to try.

different strokes

My friend is addicted to Craigslist. She actually just refers to it as CL now because she is that much on the up and up as to what is going on in the CL realm. I'm actually not sure how this happened, her addiction, but one day I get a text from her asking me if I knew there were gay males on CL trying to come off as heteros. She asks me this as if I should be personally offended by what these strangers, gay or not, do.

She sends me CL 'highlights' , such as acronyms for body parts I didn't need to know about. Alerts me to when new pictures of penises are posted (or penii as she refers to them, as if they are a Latin verb, rather than c'mon let's face it...pornographic). I have known my friend for about three-ish years now and as far as I'm aware she is a straight, non-porn watching kind of gal and yet she remains uber-obsessed with this online phenomenon of men seeking men...or transsexuals...or whatever other categories she can find on there.

Today she texts me to say that she responded to one of these ads with her fake email. It was an ad from a straight man seeking a transsexual. She emailed him interest and when he responded asking her if she was one, she said, no I'm a psych professor (which isn't entirely untrue, she did major in psychology) and told him he needed help. After falling out of my chair laughing, I asked her why she felt compelled to do that. She is greatly concerned with what goes on behind closed doors apparently. I told her she can't rid the world of 'posers', that's what Craiglist is for. And maybe as CL abuser, she is the one who needs help.

I have seized my other words of wisdom to her, which have been, stop stalking people on Craigslist, quit worrying about the wonders of pseudo straight men who have fantasies that we not only can't understand but that normal people (like myself, not her obviously) shouldn't care about, and stop fucking texting me that shit!

I told her that she is the Unabomber of text, as if this will offend her. But if the visual of a stranger's ugly penis doesn't offend her and a gay man posing as a straight one does, then what is there left for me to do?

I hope she finds a new hobby soon.

fall is such a clever name for a season

I want to bungee jump. I joke that if I do, I will be like Alicia Silverstone in the Aerosmith 'Cryin' video and flip the bird. In reality, I'll probably be too terrified to do anything and just be concentrating on not barfing (which by the way, experience has shown me is not possible, even the utmost concentration has not prevented throwing up when I wanted it to but that's a whole different blog). I want be suspended between where I was and where I'm going for a few seconds of time to just...well, fall. In the metaphorical sense, that is how I feel now. Suspended in the air, seeing where I'm headed but haven't all the way left where I've been. And it's scary and exciting and can't quite catch my breath or focus on what lies before me.

Maybe it's August's clock ticking at me. For years and years, August signified the beginning of a new year. It was the beginning of a new grade, new classes, one step closer to where I was headed. So maybe it's not such a stretch that right around this time I feel both the beginning and the end of something new. Just like teachers, maybe I measure my year by the school calendar. Or maybe it's that I consider my September birthday my 'new year' versus the actual January 1st date and I ask myself, what did I learn in the past year? What do I vow to do different when I'm another year older? What's gonna change? All the questions start forming and floating right around this period of time, for whatever reason, my mind swirls with them.

And yet, I'm a walking contradiction because at the same time my mind is suspended because I'm still in summer mode. I still want to play and live in the moment and not plan and just do. I want to not be so serious or contemplative (although my neurotic mind never quite lets that happen). I want to race ahead to all the fun I know that's in store for me but can't quite let go of things that might have happened before that I have to think about. Past is just the past, but it's not like it never happened. It's there. To just discard it, to pack it away with my swimsuit and sunscreen until next year just isn't how it works.

And it's a little like free falling and being stuck at the same time.

My mind is in ten different places while I'm being propelled forward. I'm enjoying every minute, but still expecting, just not sure when, that I'm going to be yanked back to the past, to learn something else or tie up loose ends or go back for someone or something that wasn't meant to be left behind. There's no way to try to figure out when it's gonna happen.

Just gotta close my eyes, feel the proverbial wind on my face, fall...and wait...