Like Nothing You've Ever Seen

Since my office desk faces the window, I stare out the window roughly seven hours a day. Five days a week. One hundred and forty hours a month. Most of the time I'm staring at parked cars, the mailman making his rounds, kids that are out of school, sometimes people coming out of the bar across the street, but here's my top ten list of people I hold a special affinity towards for the sheer entertainment value they bring to my mundane working life:

10. Man Driving the Hoopty-

He's not wearing a shirt and has a both a mullet and a mohawk. He has a mullhawk. He parks his white boat of a car outside the door. I see several necklaces hanging from his rearview mirror, as well as a bandana and what quite possibly is a handicapped parking pass, although he clearly does not seem to be impaired in any way (except for the hair). All four windows are down and he strolls into the office reeking of smoke of different varieties. I think I detect the scent of pork rinds as well. He pays cash which as I count out the bills leaves a greasy film on my palm which I try to ignore and subtly wipe on the desk. He leaves and hits his automatic locks button to his car. Even though his windows are down, he has locked his car. Even though I believe this car to be from the 80's. How can he have keyless entry?

9. Lady with Camel Toe-

Out of the bar comes a lady with jean shorts so short and tight that it actually pains me to see her walk to her car. She has a multi-colored halter top that is reminiscent of a Rubix cube and she has on platform shoes. Her top is so low that if any sudden movement, I may be flashed. I expect her to fall at any moment. I wonder if she has a mirror at her home and if not a mirror a rash from the sweat that is sure to become trapped in her shorts. Either the mirror or the rash should keep her from wearing shorts that tight. Common decency and comfort should prevent her. Yet they don't.

8. Sherbet Twins-

I don't think these two people are actually twins, though they very well could be. They are crossdressers. Poorly dressed crossdressers. I am happy to report that I haven't seen them walking together as this would be overkill for my poor eyes. Twin one walks by my window in hot pink glory. Add some feathers and he'd be a flamingo. Twin two is a lighter version and has chosen to deck himself from head to toe in yellow. Yellow shirt, yellow shoes, yellow socks, not one thing is another color. I am betting he is wearing yellow underwear. They are walking popsicles.

7. Man on Bike-

He runs into the pole outside my window while on his bike. The pole is in plain sight and does not block the sidewalk. You have to actually purposefully run into it to well, run into it. He, too, is shirtless the trend down here. Actually, he arrives shirtless, but once he stops puts his shirt back on and then as he departs takes the shirt off once more. I think he doesn't run into the pole as much as uses it as a stopper. He may not have brakes on his bicycle I conclude. He may want to see what flyers are posted on the pole. Either way he uses not his feet nor his brakes to stop, he just runs into the pole. My suggestion to him: wear a helmet.

6. Lady with a Veil-

She is creepy. Don't look at her directly. It would be like staring straight at the sun and you will be blinded or cursed or both. She wears an outfit that makes her look like a nun from hell. She has come into the office declaring that she is a nun and carries a covered basket. It looks like the basket that Dorothy carries in the Wizard of Oz. But I believe there is a gun in this basket and therefore I don't smirk when I see her. Her voice is low and even as if she is trying to hypnotize you. She ends every sentence with, "Jesus, Father Almighty, Our Savior." She also greets you in this way. This is not a greeting. It's a proper noun, with adjectives. I am confused and frightened by her. Steer clear.

5. Man in the Panda Mask-

Fortunately, this man is someone that I know which makes it less odd, although if you've ever just been sitting staring out the window and a panda suddenly appears in your window, it makes you feel like you are hallucinating. Also, if you know a man that would wear a panda mask and walk into an office, something is wrong with both him and you. He marches into my office demanding bamboo leaves with this mask on and I point him to the door. Moments later he appears in the front window, not moving, just standing and staring. Had I not known the man behind the mask, I would've shut the blinds and locked the door. I still probably should have done that.

4. Girl Who Hits the Car Behind Her-

She doesn't look in the rearview. Seems unaffected that she has hit the car behind her in order to make room for her to park and then hits the car again as she leaves. She does it slowly to make it look like an accident, but after the first contact continues to roll back until enough space is made. I think she was deprived of the bumper cars as a kid and is now taking it out on any car that happens to be parked behind her. I bet she does not have insurance.

3. Zoot Suit Man-

He has a handle bar mustache and is dressed for perhaps Mardi Gras? Or a pimp that is seeing hard times? He has a three-piece striped suit, matching hat, shiny shoes. He strolls up and down the sidewalk, sometimes carrying a briefcase, other times carrying a cane. I don't know if maybe this is his occupation, similar to the Naked Cowboy that camps out at Times Square in New York City. I don't think this man makes any money dressing like that and there are clearly no tourists, I just think he likes it. I'm interested to see if his wardrobe changes to accomodate this scorching heat, but nothing so far.

2. Bulb-nosed Man-

His nose looks like the horn you may have had on your bike as a kid. It is impossible to ignore. It's impossible not to stare and wonder if he has tried to have it removed. Not the nose, but whatever is extending from it. You would think the obvious answer would be yes, but then you think if so, then wouldn't he have had it removed? Then you think, maybe it is non-removable and you feel badly for staring. But you still stare, out of the corner of your eye. You can't help it.

1. Stumbling Drunk Man-

It's 10 a.m. I'm barely awake and yet this man has just left the bar from a night of drinking or is an early bird and began drinking when the sun came up. Either way, he is tanked. He stumbles out of the bar across the street and picks up the pay phone. He is wearing one shoe. The police arrive and he tries to walk toward them but gets yanked back by the pay phone cord. This causes him to sway and fall. The ambulance arrives. He is laying on the ground, motionless. I see the gurney wheeling him to the back of the ambulance, he's still wearing just one shoe, but then I see one triumphant hand go up in a thumbs up sign and all is right with the world. He is down but not out.

These people have made my perception of the abnormal borderline on normal and back again. Who decides normal anyway? I'm sure a person seeing a girl staring out the window for seven hours straight might think that to be abnormal.

Of course they would be right.