Straight Up Now Tell Me

Don't you think that potential dates should fill out some sort of questionnaire first? I mean not anything extensive just a few getting to know you questions such as: Do you call when you say you will? Would people describe you as slutty? Are you going to drive me to hate you with the mind games you play? It was easier in grade school when the most we had to be worried about was choosing our crushes first when picking teams for dodgeball. The mating ritual was simpler. You could send your friend over to assess the situation and find out if your crush liked you back. You could be 'going out' with someone on Halloween and be over it before Thanksgiving. No questions of what went wrong. Nothing went wrong, you usually just found someone who was better at playing dodgeball.

We can't do that now. We can't give the person a once over and be done. No, now we have to work harder and try. We aren't allowed to be shallow creatures who make decisions based on looks alone; we have to care and actually devote time to showing that we care when usually after about three months it becomes evident we really don't at all. The first month is getting to know you, this is great, we have so much in common. The second month you realize the thing they do that used to be cute is less so and you're wondering if it seems rude to want to sit at home and watch tv alone rather than hang out together. By month three one or both of you realize that it's not working and hopefully one or both of you will have the balls to admit it or in a runner-up scenario stop calling and pretend the other person has moved out of the country.

If I gave my number to a guy who regretted asking for it, I would not want him to feel like he had to give me a chance and try. I would not want him to invite me to dinner so that we could uncomfortably conclude that everyone seems to look better under dim lighting surrounded by the smell of vodka. I would like him to not even make the I-don't-want-to-look-like-an-asshole call because that will only lead to my misguided belief that, well he called once surely he will call again. Because this pathetic does he/doesn't he like me/do I/don't I like him situation would be inevitable; whether it be after the first date or after the obligatory three months.

So what if we resorted back to grade school? What if I sent my friend over to a guy that I could possibly like for a minute to see if he was a) single and b) interested. And if he wasn't single or interested, maybe ask if he might be either of the two in the near future. If he said no, I could move on, cross that name out of my yearbook so to speak and not be overwhelmed by the ambiguous drama that is trying to casually like someone in the world of a 20-something. I should put it to the test. I should embrace the fearlessness and lack of tact I once had as a fifth grader and boldly get right to the point. Are you single? Do you want to be friends? Let me give you my number.

Game on.