We're supposed to teach children to not touch a hot burner. It's so bright and inviting that a child's instinct is to want to touch it. No matter how much we tell them not to, how much it will hurt, their little hand wants to reach out and feel for themselves. If the child does this, if he or she gets one millisecond of the heat that comes from the burner, they will see for themselves that we weren't being militant adults, we were just trying to help them from getting hurt. When really though the thing that made them learn was getting burned. You can see where this is going.
I have a friend who dates inappropriate people. By inappropriate I mean horribly selfish, self-absorbed, narcissistic man whores. She wears her heart on her sleeve and gives any walking Joe a chance to take it and mash it up in his hands, which usually he does. She dated one guy in particular that we would fight about because I knew what kind of person he really was. He was a person that would play mind games, tell her things she wanted to hear but never followed through, made her feel inadequate, desperate and unworthy when in reality she was amazing, beautiful and of course could do so much better than him. Every time she let him back in and I had to listen to her complain about him letting her down it fueled the fire of our fights.
Years later, not that long ago though, I finally got it. I called her up and said I get it, what you were doing. She had to see for herself. She had to see if she was going to get burned. It didn't matter what I said, because half of the time she knew I was right, she just wanted to prove me wrong. She wanted to prove that the person that we fought so much about really was her Jake Ryan and I was a judgmental fool for thinking otherwise. But it wasn't my decision to make, wasn't my life it was affecting, no matter how hard I tried to make it that way.
I let my concern for her overpower what she was indirectly trying to tell me. She didn't care. At the time, she didn't care she was getting burned. Only she could decide when enough was enough and for me to fight with her and lecture her, it was only making it look that much more inviting. Why do we eat fast food if we know it's full of fat and cholesterol that will clog our arteries? Why do people smoke? Why do people do things that are bad for them when everyone around them is telling them not to? Because until they get burned, it seems like a good idea at the time.
People set different limits for themselves and are ultimately going to do exactly what they want no matter what anyone says. And for the most part, this is a very good way to live life. You listen to too many people and you forget how to make your own decisions, learn from your mistakes, find out what really makes you happy. We want something to show for our scars. Guess we have to remember that you have to go ahead and touch the burner to know just how good it feels when you take your hand away.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Thursday, October 11, 2007
How We Do
Have you ever been asked why girls can't go to the bathroom by themselves? We can, we just don't like to. Why, you ask. Well, it's probably because we're talking about you. That's right, I'll say it. Girls are judgmental, gossipy, giggly and dramatic and we talk all about it in the bathroom. But guess what, guys are the same way sans the giggly part. Sure, they may not go to the bathroom to discuss the important details of the night but honestly sometimes the bathroom is the only place we can actually hear. It's just part of our girl bar behavior. Guys have it too, though getting them to 'fess up to it is a struggle.
GBB is necessary for many reasons. For example, there have been many times when my friends have had to save me (and vice-versa) on the dance floor when any movement by us has caused strangers to place their hands on parts of our body only mentioned in rap songs. We don't have to say anything, we just know when we need to intervene. We take our friend's hand and slowly pull them away. This is our way of saying, no, I don't want to dance with you. Just because you want to lean in and touch my ass doesn't mean you get to. You don't need to know my name. I'm not Mary and you are not my little lamb. I'm sorry I even looked in your direction. It was a mistake. Get over it.
Then there is always the GBB known simply as the 'Eyes'. The Eyes are used if any of the following happens to walk through the door: ex-boyfriends, ex-booty calls, current booty calls, current crushes, or people we have to make the Eyes for because you just have to look. By the eyes alone you can usually tell if it's going to be someone you want to see. If it's a crush then the eyes are usually accompanied by big smiles and in my case, my friends will usually alert me with a not-so-subtle announcement of, 'Your boyfriend is here!' that he undoubtedly hears. Which leads me to Dibs.
Dibs are called when someone in the group sees a hot guy and wants to claim territory. Usually Dibs aren't necessary in this situation because if we have dibs, the guy will already have a nickname that we've created for him. More often Dibs are called when someone in the group sees a guy very much not hot, usually wearing something out of place, i.e. cut-off jean shorts, leather vests, etc. I already said we were judgmental, what do you want me to say? Honesty sometimes is the best policy. But then again so is lying.
Lying at a bar is as common as praying in church. It may be done silently or out loud. Now depending on my level of intoxication, level of boredom or level of annoyance my lies will range from name to age to location. On any given night I could be a no-name, twenty-one year old who just flew in from LA for reasons that do not need to be revealed which is when the GBB line, "Don't worry about it" comes in. If I tell you, "Don't worry about it" it means stop talking, stop asking questions or my way of telling you that I'm lying to you but kind of feel bad now because you believed me and seem like a nice person. Lying also used to be effective if you told a guy you weren't interested in that you already have a boyfriend but lately this does not seem to deter them.
Now I believe guys refer to this next behavior as having a wingman. You are sent to play the role of the entertainer to the friend of the person that your friend is talking to; there solely to dispel any awkward pauses, tell jokes, say sexually inappropriate things and talk up your friend as much as possible without looking obvious. Also there to get needed details about the guy in a subtle way, these details which come much easier from his friend who has become much more loose-lipped as we decided to take shots. And by we, I mean I.
And finally there is the 'emergency stop right there' move. I like this because it cuts right to the chase. Sometimes a guy will feel the need to do or say something that offends me in such a way that it stops me in my tracks. The 'flow' they're feeling comes to an abrupt halt as I stop dancing, talking, whatever I'm doing to stare them in the face and ask them what they think they're doing. I feel that by doing this it will remind them of being scolded by their mother and no guy wants that. Or in some rare cases maybe they do, which makes for a whole other set of problems.
So there you have it. You've all done it, witnessed it, will start doing it now. This is just a small taste of what's really going on as you're sipping your martini or chugging your beer. Who knew bars could be so complicated?
No wonder everyone feels like getting tanked.
GBB is necessary for many reasons. For example, there have been many times when my friends have had to save me (and vice-versa) on the dance floor when any movement by us has caused strangers to place their hands on parts of our body only mentioned in rap songs. We don't have to say anything, we just know when we need to intervene. We take our friend's hand and slowly pull them away. This is our way of saying, no, I don't want to dance with you. Just because you want to lean in and touch my ass doesn't mean you get to. You don't need to know my name. I'm not Mary and you are not my little lamb. I'm sorry I even looked in your direction. It was a mistake. Get over it.
Then there is always the GBB known simply as the 'Eyes'. The Eyes are used if any of the following happens to walk through the door: ex-boyfriends, ex-booty calls, current booty calls, current crushes, or people we have to make the Eyes for because you just have to look. By the eyes alone you can usually tell if it's going to be someone you want to see. If it's a crush then the eyes are usually accompanied by big smiles and in my case, my friends will usually alert me with a not-so-subtle announcement of, 'Your boyfriend is here!' that he undoubtedly hears. Which leads me to Dibs.
Dibs are called when someone in the group sees a hot guy and wants to claim territory. Usually Dibs aren't necessary in this situation because if we have dibs, the guy will already have a nickname that we've created for him. More often Dibs are called when someone in the group sees a guy very much not hot, usually wearing something out of place, i.e. cut-off jean shorts, leather vests, etc. I already said we were judgmental, what do you want me to say? Honesty sometimes is the best policy. But then again so is lying.
Lying at a bar is as common as praying in church. It may be done silently or out loud. Now depending on my level of intoxication, level of boredom or level of annoyance my lies will range from name to age to location. On any given night I could be a no-name, twenty-one year old who just flew in from LA for reasons that do not need to be revealed which is when the GBB line, "Don't worry about it" comes in. If I tell you, "Don't worry about it" it means stop talking, stop asking questions or my way of telling you that I'm lying to you but kind of feel bad now because you believed me and seem like a nice person. Lying also used to be effective if you told a guy you weren't interested in that you already have a boyfriend but lately this does not seem to deter them.
Now I believe guys refer to this next behavior as having a wingman. You are sent to play the role of the entertainer to the friend of the person that your friend is talking to; there solely to dispel any awkward pauses, tell jokes, say sexually inappropriate things and talk up your friend as much as possible without looking obvious. Also there to get needed details about the guy in a subtle way, these details which come much easier from his friend who has become much more loose-lipped as we decided to take shots. And by we, I mean I.
And finally there is the 'emergency stop right there' move. I like this because it cuts right to the chase. Sometimes a guy will feel the need to do or say something that offends me in such a way that it stops me in my tracks. The 'flow' they're feeling comes to an abrupt halt as I stop dancing, talking, whatever I'm doing to stare them in the face and ask them what they think they're doing. I feel that by doing this it will remind them of being scolded by their mother and no guy wants that. Or in some rare cases maybe they do, which makes for a whole other set of problems.
So there you have it. You've all done it, witnessed it, will start doing it now. This is just a small taste of what's really going on as you're sipping your martini or chugging your beer. Who knew bars could be so complicated?
No wonder everyone feels like getting tanked.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
The Birth of the DT
About seven months ago some friends and I went to our old stomping grounds to watch our alma mater play in the NCAA tournament. Our team, so close to the championship game, fell short and we felt there was nothing left to do but drink our sorrows away. Luckily for us the bar we were at had the wonderful invention, that which is the beer tower, a mini-keg of sorts with its very own spout. Seven beer towers later, a few shots, dollar drinks and a dance floor and a team was born. The drinking team to be exact.
Since then DT has recruited several members but only the originals have the shirts to prove it. We are like Girl Scouts gone wild. By day we camp, bake, grocery shop, play trivia and kickball all as a team. By night we drink, dance, and make no excuses for our behavior. It's become a cult following of sorts because everyone wants to know all our secrets, where we going, what we'll be up to next. Our bar recently reserved a table for us using an orange construction cone, which seems appropriate as we always seem to to be hard at work. However, I'm beginning to think they should've used caution tape instead because we stir up all the craziness at the bar and live through the drama that happens after. We may end up all over during the night but at closing time we come together as a team.
We've learned how to smell a bar fight. Know the DJs and bouncers by name. We know how to navigate to the nearest IHOP no matter how many drinks have been consumed. And we never turn down a free shot. There are probably people who think, they're not part of a team, they're just a bunch of girls who like to party. I beg to differ. DT is an idea that you wish you thought of first. The name will haunt you. If you've met us, part of you is always waiting for that moment of the night when the first one of us arrives. And if you haven't met us yet, then buckle your seatbelts, sit back and prepare yourself for the ride.
Since then DT has recruited several members but only the originals have the shirts to prove it. We are like Girl Scouts gone wild. By day we camp, bake, grocery shop, play trivia and kickball all as a team. By night we drink, dance, and make no excuses for our behavior. It's become a cult following of sorts because everyone wants to know all our secrets, where we going, what we'll be up to next. Our bar recently reserved a table for us using an orange construction cone, which seems appropriate as we always seem to to be hard at work. However, I'm beginning to think they should've used caution tape instead because we stir up all the craziness at the bar and live through the drama that happens after. We may end up all over during the night but at closing time we come together as a team.
We've learned how to smell a bar fight. Know the DJs and bouncers by name. We know how to navigate to the nearest IHOP no matter how many drinks have been consumed. And we never turn down a free shot. There are probably people who think, they're not part of a team, they're just a bunch of girls who like to party. I beg to differ. DT is an idea that you wish you thought of first. The name will haunt you. If you've met us, part of you is always waiting for that moment of the night when the first one of us arrives. And if you haven't met us yet, then buckle your seatbelts, sit back and prepare yourself for the ride.
Can I Get the Definition, Please?
I had a FWB that was fun to hang out with but not one to have serious feelings towards. He was single and so was I, the perfect equation for just having fun. Until I found out from a mutual friend that my FWB had a GF. When I asked my FWB about his GF, he said that they had an open relationship. As in, they could date other people. As in, the 'don't ask, don't tell' rule. People in open relationships want their cake and want to eat it too. Usually one or neither of them really want to be in an open relationship but come to find that that is the only kind of relationship that will work for them. That's the first problem. Although FWB and my 'relationship' was defined by no strings attached and fun for as long as it lasted, I still believed I deserved honesty. I mean the first word of FWB is friend so I deserved to at least be informed. Because the inclusion of a GF usually makes the fun stop and the drama begin. The FWB line becomes fuzzy, the definition of what you are in the equation is unclear.
By the time you are in your twenties, you will have been on a date with somene who already has a girlfriend. You will probably sleep with someone who already has a girlfriend. The time span that you find this out can be within the first five minutes or after the first five months. When you begin talking to someone, hanging out with them in a more than friendly way it is fair to believe that you are the only one he is talking to, hanging out with and it is shocking when you find out that your potential one and only already has a one and only himself. So what do you do? The simple answer is to end the relationship, move on and find someone a little more single. But of course nothing in life is that simple. Because usually by the time you have found this information out, you have already invested feelings of some kind.
I saw my FWB through three girlfriends. Note to his current girlfriend: monogamy is not in his vocabulary. And while I was smart enough to realize that while he had a serious girlfriend, that he and I were never going to be anything more than FWB, I still couldn't help but feel attached. It wasn't the romantic aspect of it. It was more like a project, a mission to try and change him into a person that with a little work could be someone with future relationship potential. I knew it wasn't going to be happily ever after. Knowing him before the talking and hanging out kind of ruined this ideal but I couldn't help but be curious as to why. Why would you have a girlfriend and sleep with someone else? Or okay, okay if it was just for the pure physical attraction, why have conversations that last until sunrise and consist of everything from religion to how you want to raise your children to why you are the cheating bastard you are? Why would you call to tell me all about your new job and have me listen to the reasons why you think you should break up with your girlfriend knowing I would just tell you reasons why you shouldn't. And, most importantly why didn't you just stop calling me like I asked?
Experience, mine and others, has shown that a big part of this need to have a girlfriend has to do with security. Security that this person who deems worthy of the girlfriend title seems to offer because of monetary reasons, willingness to the look the other way, or lack of locality. That makes me non-girlfriend material because I don't have any money, I'm not willing to the look the other way and I am right here. Yet, I am good for moral awareness, late night counseling and the attraction factor, throw in the grass is always greener and the thrill of the chase and I guess it makes it harder to let go.
I know that if karmic retribution was doing its job, then down the road I will be in a serious relationship, be blissfully happy and find out that my true love is seeing someone else. I know that people will say I deserve this and maybe I do. But did you ever think that maybe it's not my fault? It's not the cheatee or the cheater's fault even. It's just a significant snag in the slow unraveling that can always be blamed for the final disintegration of a relationship. There is a reason that it's happening and that reason has nothing to do with me. But I will accept the responsibility. I will accept the blame. But I'm not sorry. If nothing else, it opens everyone's eyes as to what the relationship is really about. Because most of the time, at this stage of the game, I'm able to get out relatively unharmed and he is left still cheating and happy or monogamous and miserable or at best suffering from mediocrity. As far as the girlfriend, maybe she believes she is happy too and if her eyes do become opened to reality, she will have to decide whether to grin and bear it or cut and run. And if you think the true love of your life would cheat on you, if you would accept that, then honestly you don't have to explain to anyone why you will decide to stay. I understand that love makes you do crazy things. It makes you forget how to cut and run.
Love is an imperfect thing. Lust even more so. If you have been the cheater, the cheetee, the other person, whoever, sometimes no one is to blame. We all make mistakes and things happen that break us but, not forever. I know all of you with boyfriends are right now hoping that I have the love of my life cheat on me, that when this happens I will be singing a different song but it's not going to happen. Ironically, I say this honestly, if he is the true love of my life then he will be incapable of doing that to me. You may have room for that in your definition but I don't in mine.
By the time you are in your twenties, you will have been on a date with somene who already has a girlfriend. You will probably sleep with someone who already has a girlfriend. The time span that you find this out can be within the first five minutes or after the first five months. When you begin talking to someone, hanging out with them in a more than friendly way it is fair to believe that you are the only one he is talking to, hanging out with and it is shocking when you find out that your potential one and only already has a one and only himself. So what do you do? The simple answer is to end the relationship, move on and find someone a little more single. But of course nothing in life is that simple. Because usually by the time you have found this information out, you have already invested feelings of some kind.
I saw my FWB through three girlfriends. Note to his current girlfriend: monogamy is not in his vocabulary. And while I was smart enough to realize that while he had a serious girlfriend, that he and I were never going to be anything more than FWB, I still couldn't help but feel attached. It wasn't the romantic aspect of it. It was more like a project, a mission to try and change him into a person that with a little work could be someone with future relationship potential. I knew it wasn't going to be happily ever after. Knowing him before the talking and hanging out kind of ruined this ideal but I couldn't help but be curious as to why. Why would you have a girlfriend and sleep with someone else? Or okay, okay if it was just for the pure physical attraction, why have conversations that last until sunrise and consist of everything from religion to how you want to raise your children to why you are the cheating bastard you are? Why would you call to tell me all about your new job and have me listen to the reasons why you think you should break up with your girlfriend knowing I would just tell you reasons why you shouldn't. And, most importantly why didn't you just stop calling me like I asked?
Experience, mine and others, has shown that a big part of this need to have a girlfriend has to do with security. Security that this person who deems worthy of the girlfriend title seems to offer because of monetary reasons, willingness to the look the other way, or lack of locality. That makes me non-girlfriend material because I don't have any money, I'm not willing to the look the other way and I am right here. Yet, I am good for moral awareness, late night counseling and the attraction factor, throw in the grass is always greener and the thrill of the chase and I guess it makes it harder to let go.
I know that if karmic retribution was doing its job, then down the road I will be in a serious relationship, be blissfully happy and find out that my true love is seeing someone else. I know that people will say I deserve this and maybe I do. But did you ever think that maybe it's not my fault? It's not the cheatee or the cheater's fault even. It's just a significant snag in the slow unraveling that can always be blamed for the final disintegration of a relationship. There is a reason that it's happening and that reason has nothing to do with me. But I will accept the responsibility. I will accept the blame. But I'm not sorry. If nothing else, it opens everyone's eyes as to what the relationship is really about. Because most of the time, at this stage of the game, I'm able to get out relatively unharmed and he is left still cheating and happy or monogamous and miserable or at best suffering from mediocrity. As far as the girlfriend, maybe she believes she is happy too and if her eyes do become opened to reality, she will have to decide whether to grin and bear it or cut and run. And if you think the true love of your life would cheat on you, if you would accept that, then honestly you don't have to explain to anyone why you will decide to stay. I understand that love makes you do crazy things. It makes you forget how to cut and run.
Love is an imperfect thing. Lust even more so. If you have been the cheater, the cheetee, the other person, whoever, sometimes no one is to blame. We all make mistakes and things happen that break us but, not forever. I know all of you with boyfriends are right now hoping that I have the love of my life cheat on me, that when this happens I will be singing a different song but it's not going to happen. Ironically, I say this honestly, if he is the true love of my life then he will be incapable of doing that to me. You may have room for that in your definition but I don't in mine.
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