Have you ever been asked why girls can't go to the bathroom by themselves? We can, we just don't like to. Why, you ask. Well, it's probably because we're talking about you. That's right, I'll say it. Girls are judgmental, gossipy, giggly and dramatic and we talk all about it in the bathroom. But guess what, guys are the same way sans the giggly part. Sure, they may not go to the bathroom to discuss the important details of the night but honestly sometimes the bathroom is the only place we can actually hear. It's just part of our girl bar behavior. Guys have it too, though getting them to 'fess up to it is a struggle.
GBB is necessary for many reasons. For example, there have been many times when my friends have had to save me (and vice-versa) on the dance floor when any movement by us has caused strangers to place their hands on parts of our body only mentioned in rap songs. We don't have to say anything, we just know when we need to intervene. We take our friend's hand and slowly pull them away. This is our way of saying, no, I don't want to dance with you. Just because you want to lean in and touch my ass doesn't mean you get to. You don't need to know my name. I'm not Mary and you are not my little lamb. I'm sorry I even looked in your direction. It was a mistake. Get over it.
Then there is always the GBB known simply as the 'Eyes'. The Eyes are used if any of the following happens to walk through the door: ex-boyfriends, ex-booty calls, current booty calls, current crushes, or people we have to make the Eyes for because you just have to look. By the eyes alone you can usually tell if it's going to be someone you want to see. If it's a crush then the eyes are usually accompanied by big smiles and in my case, my friends will usually alert me with a not-so-subtle announcement of, 'Your boyfriend is here!' that he undoubtedly hears. Which leads me to Dibs.
Dibs are called when someone in the group sees a hot guy and wants to claim territory. Usually Dibs aren't necessary in this situation because if we have dibs, the guy will already have a nickname that we've created for him. More often Dibs are called when someone in the group sees a guy very much not hot, usually wearing something out of place, i.e. cut-off jean shorts, leather vests, etc. I already said we were judgmental, what do you want me to say? Honesty sometimes is the best policy. But then again so is lying.
Lying at a bar is as common as praying in church. It may be done silently or out loud. Now depending on my level of intoxication, level of boredom or level of annoyance my lies will range from name to age to location. On any given night I could be a no-name, twenty-one year old who just flew in from LA for reasons that do not need to be revealed which is when the GBB line, "Don't worry about it" comes in. If I tell you, "Don't worry about it" it means stop talking, stop asking questions or my way of telling you that I'm lying to you but kind of feel bad now because you believed me and seem like a nice person. Lying also used to be effective if you told a guy you weren't interested in that you already have a boyfriend but lately this does not seem to deter them.
Now I believe guys refer to this next behavior as having a wingman. You are sent to play the role of the entertainer to the friend of the person that your friend is talking to; there solely to dispel any awkward pauses, tell jokes, say sexually inappropriate things and talk up your friend as much as possible without looking obvious. Also there to get needed details about the guy in a subtle way, these details which come much easier from his friend who has become much more loose-lipped as we decided to take shots. And by we, I mean I.
And finally there is the 'emergency stop right there' move. I like this because it cuts right to the chase. Sometimes a guy will feel the need to do or say something that offends me in such a way that it stops me in my tracks. The 'flow' they're feeling comes to an abrupt halt as I stop dancing, talking, whatever I'm doing to stare them in the face and ask them what they think they're doing. I feel that by doing this it will remind them of being scolded by their mother and no guy wants that. Or in some rare cases maybe they do, which makes for a whole other set of problems.
So there you have it. You've all done it, witnessed it, will start doing it now. This is just a small taste of what's really going on as you're sipping your martini or chugging your beer. Who knew bars could be so complicated?
No wonder everyone feels like getting tanked.
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