Where's Ron Popeil When You Need Him?

I don’t know how God feels knowing that he’s being hookered out on late night television by some pseudo-minister promoting ‘miracle water’ but I’m sure it’s not good. Supposedly by drinking this water, it makes you the recipient of several thousands of dollars. I found this out in the wee hours of the morning while I experienced a glimpse into the life of an insomniac.

I pride myself in my sleep habits. I am capable of sleeping anywhere, anytime. My mom says when I was younger, if we were in the car and she said, ‘Take a nap,” I would immediately close my eyes and be out. I'm sure I was just waiting for her to say the magic words to give me permission to doze off. I accidentally cuddle with strangers on airplanes before take off (hey, those seats are small). I have slept a 10-hour night only to take a 3-hour nap later that afternoon. I love to sleep. So, imagine my disgust when last night I woke up at 3:30 in the morning wide awake, lying in bed repeating to myself, why are you awake, why are you awake. Thinking that bad television would cause my mind to drift into peaceful sleep once more, I switched it on only to find minister man, miracle water and prayer promises that are supposed to guarantee you money. It got me thinking, what if I called this man and he swore that I would be receiving money on Thanksgiving and then I didn’t. Could I sue for false advertising?

As if he wasn’t bad enough, I turned to the ever boring, ever unnecessary channel that is the Home Shopping Network.I didn’t think this really existed. I mean the things they sell, the clothes they wear. It looked more like a Saturday Night Live spoof, than a real promotion of crap. First item up, Casio Light-Up Keyboard. Oh. My. God. First of all, homeboy selling the item was wearing a pink polo under a bright blue v-neck sweater merrily following the keyboard lights convincing himself and other morons that he was learning to play ‘You’ve Got A Friend’. For three payments of sixty-nine dollars or something, you too could look like a complete tool. Up next for sale in twenty-nine minutes and forty-two seconds, a roaster/chafing machine. Next.

NEXT is exactly what I switched to. I thought surely MTV would be showing an old episode of Cribs or some other less popular show that would provide a little, mindless entertainment but no. Instead they were showing the dating show that has the worst actors who are also the worst looking people all crammed together on a bus trying to last the longest on a date that they don’t really want to be on anyway. Fuck insomnia.

But at last I found my solace as I switched to Fox. Fox, I believe, is the sleaziest of the news stations. I don’t know why I think this, maybe because of the newscasters or the Fox News Problem Solvers but I have a hard time believing what I see on Fox. Therefore, Fox is my favorite. Lucky for me they were showing COPS and it was the Wichita PD being followed. Ugly woman officer pulls over a car with two men for suspicion of drunk driving. When pulled over and asked for registration, she spots a gun in the glove box. She barks at them to get out of the car, hands where she can see them, calling for back up followed by passenger and driver both claiming that the gun is not theirs. Good thing for faceless girl, who as a backseat passenger tattles on the front passenger pulling the gun from his pocket and putting it in the glove compartment. Nothing like COPS breaking it down for us Midwest style to help a girl get some sleep.

I think they should have a channel that has a spinning bullseye and a voice repeating, you are getting very sleepy. Once in awhile I have these insomniac spurts and it makes me sympathize with those who have real sleeping problems or work late shifts and have to watch the crap that is televised between the hours of 2 and 5 a.m.; because honestly many more nights of that and I will seriously have to invest in some porn.