Your Not Enough is My Too Much

What is it that I said before? The challenge is accepting the trade off, the fact that in order to see what you think might be worth it in the end, you have to endure the drama that is now. I must've thought this during an optimistic blackout. Do you know that you have to like a person at the very same time they like you and even if they like you and you like them, each other has to be on the top of the other's list? I could like Boy who likes Girl Not Me while Other Random Boy likes me, like a menage a trois that no one is directly involved in. Someone can like you at the same time you like them, it just might not be enough. Or it may be enough but one or the other is not one hundred percent sure and god forbid we try something we're only ninety-nine percent sure about that has a fifty percent chance of failure anyway. I didn't make the rules. That's just how it goes. Luckily, the optimistic self has meshed well with the cynical self and has created reserve lists.

A reserve list is a list of people that we like, who like us, who are cute, nice, say witty things but for some reason can't bump that seemingly unattainable, impossibly unpredictable number one that drives us crazy yet makes us happy off the list. The reserve list can include but is not limited to: friends with benefits, exes, random, semi-anonymous people we meet at bars or other inappropriate places. The trouble with the reserves is that rarely do they move up in ranking; therefore, defeating the purpose of the list in the first place. Does this all seem exhausting?

Now you know how I feel.

We use the list to make sure we're not missing out on anything while certain males out there turtle around, wanting us to wait for them to make their move. We can be ahead of the race, found others who can keep pace and then the turtle finally reaches the finish line and is upset that we didn't wait for them to come around. Can I get a 'what the fuck'? Guys don't want you to be desperate. They don't want you to be too much work. They want you to make the first move. They want to chase. They say they like you. They never call. Consistent only in their inconsistency. And the thing is, we put up with it. Of course it's because we base who we want on things other than consistency, reliability, and comfort. We know it's safer to drive the mini-van but we want the Porsche.

So what's the answer?

We try all methods and see that none of them work. We play the game and decide we're not going to follow the rules. We ride out the drama and hope that it really is worth it in the end. The answer is we will only do, can only do what seems like the best idea at the time. Anything else it seems is too much to ask for.