I have to say I admire people who are so definitive in who they are and the choices they make, that they are able to use words like 'never' and phrases like 'that's just me, I'm never gonna change'. There is something that is probably very refreshing being so set in your ways, that any of life's roadblocks that come your way, you just put up a hand and say, 'Oh, _________ is something I would never do. But that's just me, I'm never gonna change.' As in, F off and accept it. The decisiveness makes me want to learn their secrets to life. The confidence, the ability to put every situation in the same boat and sail it to its destination, point blank, period.
I can barely decide what I want to do when I wake up in the morning. Do I want Starbucks? Do I not? Do I have time? And then the moment arrives...and yes, today would be a good day for a caramel macchiato! I'm a decisive person who changes her mind...a lot. Which sounds like a contradiction, but really isn't. What I want in any given moment is subject to change due to all of the various elements of that which is called life. And any choice I've made that I've done a 180 on, I've never regretted, never wanted to take back and never said, if I were to do it again, I would've done it differently.
However, despite the changes, despite the fact that at any given moment, I could pack up and move to the beach. Despite that I have changed jobs and apartments more times in ten years then most people do in their life, I know who I am. At the heart of all my quick decisions, internal conflicts, verbal diarrhea that I may get from time to time, I know myself and what I want. I wanted to move to New York. I moved to New York. I wanted a higher salary, I changed jobs. I want answers, I ask. And when you decide that, things you will put up with, how far you will take something, how much fight you have, then it's easier to trust yourself to make a decision that will make you happy. It might not be the easiest, you might look back on your life and think if this was me two years ago, five years ago, maybe I would've decided something different, but all you can do is live in the moment of your decisions.
I'm a person who expects a lot out of people, wants to see them at their best. I'm judgmental and stubborn, sensitive and thoughtful (to the point where my thinking drives me insane), but what I demand out of others, isn't half of what I demand out of myself. I'm not going to be one who settles, who is satisfied with ok. I'll go with the flow as long as it's flowing the way I want and then if it changes, I'll fight like hell against what naturally is supposed to move me along. But even knowing who I am doesn't mean that me won't change tomorrow. I'll be thrown off my high horse. I'll have an ego blow or two. I'll get my heart broken. I'll make mistakes. And knowing this in advance, prepares me for the excitement that the future holds, with all its messiness, and keeps me in the now of my back and forth craziness.
I just hope the people who don't expect their views to change, the people who are so happy with the people they are today in this moment, that would never see it any other way, know in their hearts all they're missing out on. It's never too late to change...your mind, your heart, yourself. I can relate to them on at least one level of 'never'. Because settling for less than what I want is something I would never do.
But that's just me, I'm never gonna change.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
quit running from what's not chasing you
'Some things we don't talk about, rather do without and just hold and smile...' -The Fray
Pride is a two-faced bitch. On one hand, it's an amazing quality to have. To help us celebrate something we've accomplished. To make us work hard. To have us put our best foot forward. To stand tall and fight through difficulties. But pride will also keep you from doing the right thing. It will convince you to rationalize the wrong thing. Pride keeps us from saying things we need to and makes us say things we don't mean. Because we don't want to get hurt. We don't want to be the first to give in. If we're going to lose it all, we might as well have our pride, right?
Why is it so easy to hurt someone, but an apology is something we have to 'think about'? Should the words 'I'm sorry' be changed into 'Let's get over it'? Sometimes that's how it feels. And sometimes that's exactly what needs to happen. But why is it so hard to to take the first step? Why is it so hard to tell someone we love them? Why of all the things we could say, do we just choose to ignore it? The problem with a problem is that it doesn't go away because we say it's over. It just sits inside of us waiting to come out. And maybe it won't come out to the person we have a problem with. Maybe it won't even come out anytime soon, but down the road when you least expect it, that what we have tried to hide away finds its way to the surface. And how are you supposed to hide from yourself?
There is really so much more that we can be doing with our lives. At the end of the day, if we let it, pride leaves us lonely. Pride pushes people away and lets issues go unresolved. And those issues just get pushed onto the next person and the next. It convinces us to believe that all the people who we push away, chose to leave us. It makes us believe that all the people that wanted to help us, really were trying to avoid handing problems of their own. It makes us believe lies, because knowing that someone might find us out is so much scarier than the truth.
The truth being that sometimes we are wrong. Sometimes we've done something so horrible, that apologizing won't make up for it. And even if we did, how do we find the right words? We aren't above trying. Again. And again.The truth is that we aren't above being loved. We aren't above letting people love us. But to some people, pride is better than the truth. It's worth going into a situation knowing that when you come out, you had the last word. That you held up and didn't cry, didn't flinch, brushed your shoulders off and moved on. That you were the one that could walk away from something, could do without. It definitely can help us from getting hurt. It's just not as reliable at knowing how to help us back up. So even though we should walk around with our heads held high, holding it too high, sooner or later you're gonna miss a step, trip and fall and no one and nothing will be there to save you...
but your pride.
Pride is a two-faced bitch. On one hand, it's an amazing quality to have. To help us celebrate something we've accomplished. To make us work hard. To have us put our best foot forward. To stand tall and fight through difficulties. But pride will also keep you from doing the right thing. It will convince you to rationalize the wrong thing. Pride keeps us from saying things we need to and makes us say things we don't mean. Because we don't want to get hurt. We don't want to be the first to give in. If we're going to lose it all, we might as well have our pride, right?
Why is it so easy to hurt someone, but an apology is something we have to 'think about'? Should the words 'I'm sorry' be changed into 'Let's get over it'? Sometimes that's how it feels. And sometimes that's exactly what needs to happen. But why is it so hard to to take the first step? Why is it so hard to tell someone we love them? Why of all the things we could say, do we just choose to ignore it? The problem with a problem is that it doesn't go away because we say it's over. It just sits inside of us waiting to come out. And maybe it won't come out to the person we have a problem with. Maybe it won't even come out anytime soon, but down the road when you least expect it, that what we have tried to hide away finds its way to the surface. And how are you supposed to hide from yourself?
There is really so much more that we can be doing with our lives. At the end of the day, if we let it, pride leaves us lonely. Pride pushes people away and lets issues go unresolved. And those issues just get pushed onto the next person and the next. It convinces us to believe that all the people who we push away, chose to leave us. It makes us believe that all the people that wanted to help us, really were trying to avoid handing problems of their own. It makes us believe lies, because knowing that someone might find us out is so much scarier than the truth.
The truth being that sometimes we are wrong. Sometimes we've done something so horrible, that apologizing won't make up for it. And even if we did, how do we find the right words? We aren't above trying. Again. And again.The truth is that we aren't above being loved. We aren't above letting people love us. But to some people, pride is better than the truth. It's worth going into a situation knowing that when you come out, you had the last word. That you held up and didn't cry, didn't flinch, brushed your shoulders off and moved on. That you were the one that could walk away from something, could do without. It definitely can help us from getting hurt. It's just not as reliable at knowing how to help us back up. So even though we should walk around with our heads held high, holding it too high, sooner or later you're gonna miss a step, trip and fall and no one and nothing will be there to save you...
but your pride.
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