what you want should be right now

I have to say I admire people who are so definitive in who they are and the choices they make, that they are able to use words like 'never' and phrases like 'that's just me, I'm never gonna change'. There is something that is probably very refreshing being so set in your ways, that any of life's roadblocks that come your way, you just put up a hand and say, 'Oh, _________ is something I would never do. But that's just me, I'm never gonna change.' As in, F off and accept it. The decisiveness makes me want to learn their secrets to life. The confidence, the ability to put every situation in the same boat and sail it to its destination, point blank, period.

I can barely decide what I want to do when I wake up in the morning. Do I want Starbucks? Do I not? Do I have time? And then the moment arrives...and yes, today would be a good day for a caramel macchiato! I'm a decisive person who changes her mind...a lot. Which sounds like a contradiction, but really isn't. What I want in any given moment is subject to change due to all of the various elements of that which is called life. And any choice I've made that I've done a 180 on, I've never regretted, never wanted to take back and never said, if I were to do it again, I would've done it differently.

However, despite the changes, despite the fact that at any given moment, I could pack up and move to the beach. Despite that I have changed jobs and apartments more times in ten years then most people do in their life, I know who I am. At the heart of all my quick decisions, internal conflicts, verbal diarrhea that I may get from time to time, I know myself and what I want. I wanted to move to New York. I moved to New York. I wanted a higher salary, I changed jobs. I want answers, I ask. And when you decide that, things you will put up with, how far you will take something, how much fight you have, then it's easier to trust yourself to make a decision that will make you happy. It might not be the easiest, you might look back on your life and think if this was me two years ago, five years ago, maybe I would've decided something different, but all you can do is live in the moment of your decisions.

I'm a person who expects a lot out of people, wants to see them at their best. I'm judgmental and stubborn, sensitive and thoughtful (to the point where my thinking drives me insane), but what I demand out of others, isn't half of what I demand out of myself. I'm not going to be one who settles, who is satisfied with ok. I'll go with the flow as long as it's flowing the way I want and then if it changes, I'll fight like hell against what naturally is supposed to move me along. But even knowing who I am doesn't mean that me won't change tomorrow. I'll be thrown off my high horse. I'll have an ego blow or two. I'll get my heart broken. I'll make mistakes. And knowing this in advance, prepares me for the excitement that the future holds, with all its messiness, and keeps me in the now of my back and forth craziness.

I just hope the people who don't expect their views to change, the people who are so happy with the people they are today in this moment, that would never see it any other way, know in their hearts all they're missing out on. It's never too late to change...your mind, your heart, yourself. I can relate to them on at least one level of 'never'. Because settling for less than what I want is something I would never do.

But that's just me, I'm never gonna change.