my dirty little (not so) secret

A birthday is better than the traditional new year on January 1st. A birthday is your personal time to make resolutions for yourself. I never resolve to do anything. Actually, every year I promise myself that I will be nicer and meaner at the same time. Nicer because I can, at times, be bitchy and meaner because also at times I can be taken advantage of. So goes the balance of life.

And although I try to keep my regrets to a minimum, I do have some bad habits. I mean not like addictive habits where I need to meet anonymously with a group and work through the problems but bad enough habits, where it makes me stop and ask myself, 'Why do you keep doing this?'

Bad Habit #1:

Stalking people. When I am bored at work, which is often, not due to laziness more due to efficiency I say, I find myself stalking people via the internet. I mean their information is just OUT there for everyone to read and see. Some people are not afraid to tell every little ounce of information they can about their lives. I have seen people hook up and break up, lose jobs, move to different cities, talk trash, make amends and have never had to talk to that person once about it. They just update it on their (you pick which) page. And God bless them for putting their business out there because it gives me at least a half hour of entertainment during an otherwise boring day. Why stalk? Why not, I say. I don't necessarily want or need to know people's business. It's just there. So I look.

Bad Habit #2:

Being self-absorbed. Once in awhile I will actually catch myself talking about myself too much in a conversation. Sometimes I get steamrolling on a subject and then I'm like, why doesn't someone just tell me to give it a rest. Luckily, I usually am talking to someone that knows and loves me and believes that eventually I will shut up.

Bad Habit #3:

Being judgmental. To be fair I'm the most judgmental of myself. And usually I'm not doing it to be snarky, I'm naturally opinionated. And those opinions spew out of my mouth without warning.

Bad Habit #4:

Enjoying the chase. I never really would think I would be this type of girl. I'm lazy by nature. I like to assess situations before exerting any effort. But I blame this habit once again on boredom. The chase is always slightly out of my reach, sometimes because I keep it that way because what am I supposed to do when the chase is over? You never want to actual catch the person because the game is over and I have to find something else to do.

Bad Habit #5:

Worrying about what people think. I don't worry, as in it keeps me up at night but I do take it into consideration. The truth of the matter is that whatever anyone has ever said or thought about me, good or bad, has probably at one time been true. And I have to accept the fact that some people just will believe that I am only one certain thing. That Courtney, she's such a bitch. Well, tell me something I don't know, doll.

Okay, so those are only five bad habits, but if I listed all of them this list might never end. So what to do about them?

Well as far as stalking, I know it's not necessary. And to be honest it's not as entertaining as it once was. Sometimes I've found out information that I might not otherwise have known or needed to know and maybe that's for a reason. I like honesty and minimal drama (unless it's happening to someone else) and that's usually doesn't go hand in hand with stalking. What happens to other people has nothing to do with me. And if it does, finding out in a secondhand way is never good.

I have a feeling I'll always have a bit of angst; therefore, I will always feel compelled to try to relate to someone and talk about myself, hoping that someone else will make me feel like I'm not the only one who has ever done something fucked up. But I don't want to end up like Tyra Banks. Have you ever seen her talk show? Somehow, she ends up making her problems being bigger than any of her guests. Note to self: do not be like Tyra.

Which leads me to being judgmental, which not gonna lie, is going to be one of the harder habits to break. Often times, I just feel it's observation because I'm just stating fact (well, fact according to me). Because I don't care what people wear, say, do I just like to point out when I think it's weird.

I think #4 will work itself out. I'm getting old.

I think partly the reason why I worry about what people think is because I know what a judgmental ass I can be and if there is a chance there is another me roaming around out there, somewhere pointing every faux pas I make, well then I'm going to be a little self-conscious. But why? What they say about me matters just about as much as what I say about them. I need to take a cue from Weezer and do the things I wanna do, because I ain't got nothing to prove to you. Eat my candy with the pork and beans, excuse my manners if I make a scene. Yeah, all that except the pork and beans part because I don't even know what that means.

It's just time to break some habits, start afresh. Bye-bye to what once was. Hello to what will soon be...