Everyone has their own version of the 'perfect guy'. Most lists have the standard: good looks, sense of humor, intelligence. And, then some lists also include things such as strong family values, fun personality, and good shoes. Ok, maybe that last one is just on mine. Most of the time though if we find a guy that has just one of these characteristics we jump the gun and think maybe, could it be, that we have found the perfect guy! And the list goes right out the window. We zero in, not thinking through the other choices we might have, only because we so desperately want this guy right now to be the right one. Why do we do this? It's because we have the Family Feud mentality.
You know how on Family Feud the host will pose a question like, "Name an animal that begins with the letter 'C' and some fool will respond with, "Caribou!" and that person's family will hesitate for a second before erupting with enthusiastic applause and cheers of "good answer!" when you, the home viewer, are thinking just like everyone else, um, that's not a good answer. Cow is a good answer. Cat. Caribou? What the hell?
The host yells out, "Show me caribou!" and the response is a loud buzzer and a big red 'X' that signifies that the given answer is not only not on the list but that the person who gave the answer is an idiot. But the thing is, it was that person's turn, their choice, their mistake to make, that's how the game is played. The family will groan sympathetically, supportive to the person guessing and will keep cheering knowing that their next answer will be better. I mean anything has to be better than caribou.
This is the Family Feud mentality. This way of thinking, this confidence in decision-making, hopeful, full-steam ahead, screw what you think because I got it right this time feeling has caused females across the nation to cross paths with the following motley crew of males:
10. Ego-booster guy: You're not really interested in him. You didn't even notice him until he started telling you how beautiful you are, how he'd like to take you out and when he does shows up with flowers and holds the door open. He's bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, nice, polite, calls when he says he will but in the back of your mind you think, he's not that cute. He could even borderline ugly. And there are such lulls in the conversation that at certain points you swear you hear crickets or snippets of other people's conversations which are far better than the one you are participating in. But the boy sure knows how to give a compliment. Somehow these guys usually show up when you're having a fat day or during a wedding reception.
9. I-can't-see-straight-because-I'm-drunk guy: The guy you've hooked up with only due to high levels of intoxication. If you are fortunate you will not have to see this guy again because hopefully you were smart and did not spend the night. You probably either puked or cried in front of him and if you did stay the night, you wake up with mascara smeared under your eyes, a bad case of cotton mouth, and recoil at the first spot of daylight. You look over. He is passed out, drooling, one hand down his pants. You hope to never see him again. He's not ugly. At least he wasn't the night before.
8. White Picket Fence guy: He's smart, kind, and is as loyal as a Golden Retriever. He has the kind of looks that you find in a Ralph Lauren sailing ad. You know that he wants 2.5 children, a manicured lawn and a country club membership. He is the modern day equivalent to Prince Charming. But after awhile he looks a little too vanilla. His demeanor a tad too pure. Also, you think he might have his mom on speed dial. Plus, don't you think it's the pure ones that usually end up wanting to wear your underwear?
7. Take One For the Team guy: If you're lucky this guy is at least cute and can hold your attention as you're supposed to distract him while your friend flirts with his friend. Hopefully by the end of the night she will have locked it up so that you won't have to go into overtime because he's actually kind of getting on your nerves. Guys think they are the only ones who have wingmen. I beg to differ.
6. Older guy: This guy has his act together. He wines and dines you and knows what he wants. He's romantic without being corny, sweet without being sappy. Witty without being pretentious. However, he begins to refer to you and he as 'we' as in, "We are going to look at houses next weekend. We are planning to fly to Wisconsin to see my parents for the holiday." You've been dating for three weeks. You're not sure you even know his last name. In this scenario, don't answer his calls and pretend that you have moved. Or better yet don't pretend, just move.
5. In Theory guy: This is a guy that you have been friends with for awhile and get along with so well that you think that in theory you should be a perfect match. You have the same taste in music and can have four hour conversations about absolutely nothing. You finish each other's sentences. You go together like peas and carrots. You find this to be less true when you learn that he is a follower of the jackrabbit sex method. This is bad.
4. The "Yes" guy: Is he good-looking, charming, sweet? Yes, yes and yes. Do most of your conversations end with him apologizing and/or explaining himself? Yes. Does he already have a girlfriend that you didn't know about? Yes. Has she called you herself to tell you this? Quite possibly, yes.
3. I Told You So guy: This could be the same as Yes guy except that you already sensed that he probably had a girlfriend. You already knew that going into this you weren't looking for a serious relationship, you were looking for a project. You wanted to be the person that proved everyone wrong and could show what a sweet, misunderstood, decent guy he is. He's not. It's not your friends saying I told you so. It's you saying it to yourself.
2. Recovery guy: Don't confuse him with a rebound guy. Recovery guy is there to help you recover from the last guy you were with. He's not there to rebound you back into relationship mode. He is there mostly for decoration so that just by looking at him it makes you feel better.
1. Perfect guy: This guy didn't make the survey...
Yet.
Yes, I said it. I do think the perfect guy is out there because someone's caribou could be your cow and vice-versa. We may not get it right the first time. Or the tenth. It may not be the most popular choice but even if it's the wrong one we can continue clapping with all the enthusiasm we had at the beginning because win or lose each turn we have we still get to believe that this time, we got it right. That this was the time we finally, truly have a good answer. There are no takebacks. That's how the game is played. Go big or go home. There's no other way.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
You're Nobody Until I Say Otherwise
Did you know that at this very moment you could have someone out there who thinks you are their girlfriend, but you're not? It could be someone you went on a couple of dates with or someone you hung out with on a Friday night. You could be part of a couple and not know. Don't believe me? Well, once upon a time Girl met Guy and there was a mutual attraction. Girl and Guy hung out a total of two times before Guy took it upon himself to call Girl and dump her. Was she heartbroken? Devastated? No. She was confused. How did this happen? How did she get dumped by someone that wasn't her boyfriend? You always hear about guys jumping the gun by ending things before they get too involved or hurt, but isn't this a little bit ridiculous?
Story doesn't stop here. Weeks later Guy is at the same bar as Girl and corners her to discuss their 'relationship'. And, this is where my intervention becomes necessary. Drunken and perturbed I hobble up to them and tell Guy that I hurt my foot and currently my shoe is filling up with blood. I need Girl to come with me immediately. I am wearing flip flops. I hope Guy receives this blatant message. No harm no foul. Probably one of the easiest breakups in history.
We should look at this as an urban myth, an isolated incident from a guy who is confused. But this really does happen. Gone are the days when girls are asked to 'go steady' and on to the future where assumption equals exclusive relationship. Say you're friends with a guy and start hanging out, hooking up, and can do things like play miniature golf and cook dinner together when to you it seems casual and to him it seems domestic and couple-y. I see it now as a movie split screen where girl is participating in these events with thoughts of where her next margarita will come from and guy has a cartoon balloon over his head filled with hearts. Does this not seem backwards? Isn't it the girl who's always portrayed as assuming commitment too early? Next thing you know the 'L' word is dropped out of nowhere, on the phone and you think, do I have a bad connection? Was that a 'love ya' in the casual, friendly context? Sadly no, it was a distinct 'I love you.' Oh no. My connection is bad...static...can't hear you....What else can you do in a situation like that? It temporarily stuns you because you didn't even think you were a couple, apparantly he did. Awk-ward. So you'll learn for next time, right?
Wrong.
Fast forward to adult man and when I say adult, I'm talking about hefty career aspirations, ability to purchase real estate, and ultimately discussion of coupledom far too fast and furious. It is this man you should be wary of if you begin dating him near the holidays. He wants you to meet his family, share a Christmas goose, look at houses with him. Wait, what? You have been dating a total of two weeks and you wanted a guy who could commit...eventually. You nod politely and tell him that you would love to meet his family but you are allergic to goose and your own family is expecting you for the holiday. He, being the mature 30-something he is, smiles and assures you that he understands but his sister is having a party next weekend and maybe you can at least meet her then. Because she wants to meet you. His girlfriend. If this was a movie this is where the music would come to a screeching halt because you barely know this guy. Although you have had some fun dates, long conversations, whatever happened to slow and steady wins the race? So the last phone call goes unreturned. And the one after that and the one after that. Immature? Of course. But maybe he will just chalk it up to the difference in age.
I think for a relationship to be considered coupledom that both parties must not only be privy to this next step but agree upon it. There doesn't have to be a signed document, but a clarification, a discussion would be nice. Otherwise, then the guy thinks you are an insensitive, commitment-phobic tramp and you are left wondering how did you not know that you had been cast for the role of girlfriend. I guess there is fine line between the time someone turns from a nobody into a somebody. Sometimes you are dragged across it. Sometimes you'd rather pretend it's not there. Wherever your line is it's your decision for when you want to cross it and if you're lucky, when you're ready, you'll have someone waiting for you on the other side.
Story doesn't stop here. Weeks later Guy is at the same bar as Girl and corners her to discuss their 'relationship'. And, this is where my intervention becomes necessary. Drunken and perturbed I hobble up to them and tell Guy that I hurt my foot and currently my shoe is filling up with blood. I need Girl to come with me immediately. I am wearing flip flops. I hope Guy receives this blatant message. No harm no foul. Probably one of the easiest breakups in history.
We should look at this as an urban myth, an isolated incident from a guy who is confused. But this really does happen. Gone are the days when girls are asked to 'go steady' and on to the future where assumption equals exclusive relationship. Say you're friends with a guy and start hanging out, hooking up, and can do things like play miniature golf and cook dinner together when to you it seems casual and to him it seems domestic and couple-y. I see it now as a movie split screen where girl is participating in these events with thoughts of where her next margarita will come from and guy has a cartoon balloon over his head filled with hearts. Does this not seem backwards? Isn't it the girl who's always portrayed as assuming commitment too early? Next thing you know the 'L' word is dropped out of nowhere, on the phone and you think, do I have a bad connection? Was that a 'love ya' in the casual, friendly context? Sadly no, it was a distinct 'I love you.' Oh no. My connection is bad...static...can't hear you....What else can you do in a situation like that? It temporarily stuns you because you didn't even think you were a couple, apparantly he did. Awk-ward. So you'll learn for next time, right?
Wrong.
Fast forward to adult man and when I say adult, I'm talking about hefty career aspirations, ability to purchase real estate, and ultimately discussion of coupledom far too fast and furious. It is this man you should be wary of if you begin dating him near the holidays. He wants you to meet his family, share a Christmas goose, look at houses with him. Wait, what? You have been dating a total of two weeks and you wanted a guy who could commit...eventually. You nod politely and tell him that you would love to meet his family but you are allergic to goose and your own family is expecting you for the holiday. He, being the mature 30-something he is, smiles and assures you that he understands but his sister is having a party next weekend and maybe you can at least meet her then. Because she wants to meet you. His girlfriend. If this was a movie this is where the music would come to a screeching halt because you barely know this guy. Although you have had some fun dates, long conversations, whatever happened to slow and steady wins the race? So the last phone call goes unreturned. And the one after that and the one after that. Immature? Of course. But maybe he will just chalk it up to the difference in age.
I think for a relationship to be considered coupledom that both parties must not only be privy to this next step but agree upon it. There doesn't have to be a signed document, but a clarification, a discussion would be nice. Otherwise, then the guy thinks you are an insensitive, commitment-phobic tramp and you are left wondering how did you not know that you had been cast for the role of girlfriend. I guess there is fine line between the time someone turns from a nobody into a somebody. Sometimes you are dragged across it. Sometimes you'd rather pretend it's not there. Wherever your line is it's your decision for when you want to cross it and if you're lucky, when you're ready, you'll have someone waiting for you on the other side.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Very Well Then, No Cookies for You
It's always thrilling to do something you know you're not supposed to do. Whether it's when you're a kid and sneak a cookie before dinner or when you're a teenager and sneak out of your parent's house to go meet your friends, the act of rebellion, no matter how small makes you feel exhilarated. Even when you get caught, it is usually worth it. It's worth the cookie. It's worth being grounded. But, have you noticed that slowly these rebellious acts seem to fade away until we become the dreaded adult? It just kind of sneaks up on you until one day you realize that that job you have, it's real. Those bills that come in the mail, they're real too and even if you want to rebel against them, you can't. It's this blindsided push into adulthood that has confirmed my belief that I'm not the working kind. I may not even be the adult kind.
I believe working a 9 to 5 job has paralyzed whatever creative thoughts I had left in my brain, it makes me look forward to noon as I know that lunch will be my only excitement of the day. I find myself at work laughing at people who yell at me for their inadequacies which only makes them madder and I think, how long am I going to be able get away with doing absolutely nothing and having no one notice? I informed my mom halfway through college that I simply wasn't the working kind and she said that no one was, no one liked to work. I beg to differ. Did you know there are people who like mornings? As in, they are morning people. As in they wake up before their alarms and face each day thinking, how much can I accomplish today? This only happens to me three times a year: the day after my birthday, January 2nd, and a random day in autumn when everything just feels inspiring. These three days trick me into thinking that I can be a person of accomplishment.
I think my lack of motivation is due to my ambivalent view on how I think a person should live their life. I know that after a certain age you're supposed to look past the ideal of living in the moment and actually take responsibility, start a 401K, and get health insurance but I started thinking, what left is there to work towards besides just enjoying life? I went to college just like I was supposed to, I got a job and now I look back and think that milestone of graduation was so anticlimactic that now I just feel gypped. The next milestone is supposed to be a promotion in your career, but what if you are never going to be the type to have a career and getting a promotion means switching jobs? I hear you saying, the next milestone is getting married and having a family. What if I never get married and never have a family? Sometimes these milestones happen out of order or don't happen at all. Sometimes the excitement of not knowing is in truth more exciting than knowing. It has the element of surprise, the hope that the future will show you that life isn't a sequential timeline that requires certain stops along the way and detours won't prevent you from still cruising along just fine.
I admire those who have come into the responsibilities of adulthood a little easier than I have, but even if you are one of those people, you have to admit that all those exciting things that you did that maybe you weren't supposed to, the things that you worried might take you off the path for a minute, they are so much better than anything you could ever have planned. Planning for the future is worth it and I'm sure I'll do it one of these days but until then, all those other times; they're so worth the cookie.
I believe working a 9 to 5 job has paralyzed whatever creative thoughts I had left in my brain, it makes me look forward to noon as I know that lunch will be my only excitement of the day. I find myself at work laughing at people who yell at me for their inadequacies which only makes them madder and I think, how long am I going to be able get away with doing absolutely nothing and having no one notice? I informed my mom halfway through college that I simply wasn't the working kind and she said that no one was, no one liked to work. I beg to differ. Did you know there are people who like mornings? As in, they are morning people. As in they wake up before their alarms and face each day thinking, how much can I accomplish today? This only happens to me three times a year: the day after my birthday, January 2nd, and a random day in autumn when everything just feels inspiring. These three days trick me into thinking that I can be a person of accomplishment.
I think my lack of motivation is due to my ambivalent view on how I think a person should live their life. I know that after a certain age you're supposed to look past the ideal of living in the moment and actually take responsibility, start a 401K, and get health insurance but I started thinking, what left is there to work towards besides just enjoying life? I went to college just like I was supposed to, I got a job and now I look back and think that milestone of graduation was so anticlimactic that now I just feel gypped. The next milestone is supposed to be a promotion in your career, but what if you are never going to be the type to have a career and getting a promotion means switching jobs? I hear you saying, the next milestone is getting married and having a family. What if I never get married and never have a family? Sometimes these milestones happen out of order or don't happen at all. Sometimes the excitement of not knowing is in truth more exciting than knowing. It has the element of surprise, the hope that the future will show you that life isn't a sequential timeline that requires certain stops along the way and detours won't prevent you from still cruising along just fine.
I admire those who have come into the responsibilities of adulthood a little easier than I have, but even if you are one of those people, you have to admit that all those exciting things that you did that maybe you weren't supposed to, the things that you worried might take you off the path for a minute, they are so much better than anything you could ever have planned. Planning for the future is worth it and I'm sure I'll do it one of these days but until then, all those other times; they're so worth the cookie.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
If You're Gonna Drink the Kool-Aid Sip Slowly
I never imagined my wedding as a little girl. My favorite Disney movie is 'Beauty and the Beast' where ultimately it is Belle who saves the Beast. I don't stand up for the bouquet toss at weddings but I do hope for the fairytale. And I know this is the protest of every independent woman out there but there is a small part in the back of our minds that is hoping that today will be the day we will meet the man of our dreams. It might not be obvious at the time but the thought is always there. I have come to realize though that this hope is not only ridiculous but statistically is just not going to happen.
In an article I read recently there was a quote from a clinical psychologist that said to get a guy to pop the question 49 percent of it depends on the right woman and 51 percent depends on his readiness to commit. On the same day, my friend told me that her college sweetheart who she dated on and off for ten years is getting married. His reason: because his bride is someone who will not cheat on him. I also know a girl who is getting married after being with her future husband for eight years and seven of those eight years he cheated on her. And she knows it. This isn't quite the fairytale I had in mind.
On the flip side staying single involves having crushes who never pan out because cynicism sets in and takes over the situation, one night stands who turn into year long flings who turn out to have live-in girlfriends, and of course the ever annoying relatives who are praying that this holiday season you are going to bring someone home. So I could have a man who is so ambivalent about me that his primary reason to marry me is because I wouldn't cheat on him or potential drama with hook-up guy's girlfriend. These are my options? Someone gouge out my eyeballs now. I told this to one of my friends who happens to happily be in a relationship with a guy who she is planning on marrying someday. I told her I didn't want to rain on her parade but even if I found the right guy tomorrow it would only 49% matter. The other 51% would depend on if he was 'ready for me'. That means I could meet a fantastic guy and we could be together for years and he may always be looking for greener grass and I would be none the wiser because I thought that meeting the right person was equivalent to being ready for a relationship. Silly me.
What ever happened to romantic, want to spend the rest of my life with you kind of love that led to marriage instead of well, we've been dating for a decade now you wanna just get married or what? What if I meet someone who I think is the One and later realize that I was only honorable mention to him and that his One person just came at the wrong time. So the question is, do I follow the herd, drink the Kool-Aid and decide to just take the best of what comes along and be on my deluded version of a fairytale way or do I still believe that there is someone who will not only hold the boom box over his head but will also arrive at just the right time? In my fairtytale I'm sure my prince will chug my Kool-Aid, trip over the boom box, and be late.
But at least there will be a happy ending.
In an article I read recently there was a quote from a clinical psychologist that said to get a guy to pop the question 49 percent of it depends on the right woman and 51 percent depends on his readiness to commit. On the same day, my friend told me that her college sweetheart who she dated on and off for ten years is getting married. His reason: because his bride is someone who will not cheat on him. I also know a girl who is getting married after being with her future husband for eight years and seven of those eight years he cheated on her. And she knows it. This isn't quite the fairytale I had in mind.
On the flip side staying single involves having crushes who never pan out because cynicism sets in and takes over the situation, one night stands who turn into year long flings who turn out to have live-in girlfriends, and of course the ever annoying relatives who are praying that this holiday season you are going to bring someone home. So I could have a man who is so ambivalent about me that his primary reason to marry me is because I wouldn't cheat on him or potential drama with hook-up guy's girlfriend. These are my options? Someone gouge out my eyeballs now. I told this to one of my friends who happens to happily be in a relationship with a guy who she is planning on marrying someday. I told her I didn't want to rain on her parade but even if I found the right guy tomorrow it would only 49% matter. The other 51% would depend on if he was 'ready for me'. That means I could meet a fantastic guy and we could be together for years and he may always be looking for greener grass and I would be none the wiser because I thought that meeting the right person was equivalent to being ready for a relationship. Silly me.
What ever happened to romantic, want to spend the rest of my life with you kind of love that led to marriage instead of well, we've been dating for a decade now you wanna just get married or what? What if I meet someone who I think is the One and later realize that I was only honorable mention to him and that his One person just came at the wrong time. So the question is, do I follow the herd, drink the Kool-Aid and decide to just take the best of what comes along and be on my deluded version of a fairytale way or do I still believe that there is someone who will not only hold the boom box over his head but will also arrive at just the right time? In my fairtytale I'm sure my prince will chug my Kool-Aid, trip over the boom box, and be late.
But at least there will be a happy ending.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Now This May Sting a Little
In high school I was the football team manager. I am from a small town from which produced an equally small football team so my managerial duties didn't extend past providing water and setting up dummies for football practice. On game days, I stood on the sidelines chatting with the third-stringers but ready to doctor someone up should their arm or leg get cut. My method was simple: spray with antiseptic, wrap in bandage, smile and done. It may hurt a little but it happens so quickly the pain is barely noticeable. Sure the cut may heal on its own but wouldn't you rather just have it bandaged and be done with it?
I have a friend, I'll call her Jill, who briefly dated a guy last summer and when she decided that she no longer wanted to follow the progression into a serious relationship she ended the dating. End of story? Of course not. Fast forward almost one year later and the guy texts her on a random Wednesday asking her if she wants to grab a drink that Friday. As a side note, texting has become the favorite go-to communication of people who like to remain ambiguous and noncommittal. Out of curiousity Jill agrees to meet him. When Friday arrives, Jill texts to confirm the meeting time for the hanging out to which guy responds that he suddenly has a work function and he can't make it for a drink. Ok, Jill thinks, but good thing she called to confirm as it seemed that he had no intention of alerting her of this last minute 'function'. Guy suggests rescheduling. One week later Jill decides to stop by guy's place of work (a public store, not a private office, the place where they had first met) to say 'hey' and guy flips out and later texts her, ordering her to never come by his place of work again and what did she want. Though baffled, she apologizes. The following day he sends a text that says this a really busy time at work right now and he doesn't have time to date. And, let me stop the story right here. Guy, weren't you the one who after a year contacted Jill out of the blue to get together only to flake out on the plan two days later? And, when did a friendly 'stopped by to say hey' turn into an incident worthy of a stalking insinuation? When she wanted to stop talking to you, she stopped calling. If you didn't wish to talk to Jill than why did you call her?
Sadly, Jill's story isn't an isolated situation. Five out of five women have become involved with or know someone who has become involved with a guy who makes simple situations complicated, i.e. guys who like to fuck with your head. If you are a female reading this, you may be thinking, I know this guy. If you are a male, you may be thinking, what's the problem? There is usually one of two reasons as to why a guy creates emotional havoc. Either a) he has been heartbroken and when I say heartbroken I mean won't get out of bed, drinks himself to the point of blackout for a month straight, sleeps with as many girls as possible to make his ego feel inflated or b) he likes to be in control of a situation at all times. If you happen to come across a guy that encompasses both a) and b) you are DOA. How do you spot such a guy? How do you not become entrapped in his meaningless mind games? I hate to tell you this but these complicated, issue ridden guys seem to have something about them, the bad boy factor, the wounded puppy you want to nurse back to health because then he will adore you forever and ever. You think, I am the one who is going to break him. I am worth changing for. You probably are worthy but it's not you, it's him. It's the hardest thing to understand and an even harder thing to accept.
Stereotypically speaking, guys think girls are the dramatic ones, the ones who always want to discuss feelings, establish boundaries. But more and more I see guys creating the drama, suggesting dating other people but seriously are pissed off when you actually do just that. They think three dates means you are boyfriend and girlfriend and if you didn't think you were boyfriend/girlfriend their egos are bruised and they become hateful or if you did think you were boyfriend/girlfriend they get freaked out and stop calling. They like you. They ignore you. It's exhausting, it's ridiculous, it happens to everyone. Is it that hard to just say what you mean and mean what you say?
Now I know what you're thinking, isn't the girl partially to blame for putting up with this utter bullshit? Maybe, but sometimes this addiction to being needed, then discarded and needed again is due partly to the thought of real relationships take work and isn't this part of the work? Where do we draw the line? It's a decision every person has to make for themselves. Antiseptic and bandage or open wound? If relationships are about hard work and putting up with questionable behavior just for the sake of giving it a try, if it's going to sting, then maybe along with that dating questionnaire I should just include the following disclaimer:
Do not complicate simple situations. If you don't want to call, don't call. If you don't want a commitment, don't act like a boyfriend with jealous rages and expectations of being at your beck and call. Neither is acceptable. Complicating simple situations causes sprained thumbs from explanatory text messages that are unnecessary. It causes ridiculous analyzations, brain sprains, heart pains and everything in between. If a problem can be handled in ten minutes, please use the ten minutes and move on. If it's going to be any longer, please mix me a drink. Preferably something with vodka. Thank you for your time.
I have a friend, I'll call her Jill, who briefly dated a guy last summer and when she decided that she no longer wanted to follow the progression into a serious relationship she ended the dating. End of story? Of course not. Fast forward almost one year later and the guy texts her on a random Wednesday asking her if she wants to grab a drink that Friday. As a side note, texting has become the favorite go-to communication of people who like to remain ambiguous and noncommittal. Out of curiousity Jill agrees to meet him. When Friday arrives, Jill texts to confirm the meeting time for the hanging out to which guy responds that he suddenly has a work function and he can't make it for a drink. Ok, Jill thinks, but good thing she called to confirm as it seemed that he had no intention of alerting her of this last minute 'function'. Guy suggests rescheduling. One week later Jill decides to stop by guy's place of work (a public store, not a private office, the place where they had first met) to say 'hey' and guy flips out and later texts her, ordering her to never come by his place of work again and what did she want. Though baffled, she apologizes. The following day he sends a text that says this a really busy time at work right now and he doesn't have time to date. And, let me stop the story right here. Guy, weren't you the one who after a year contacted Jill out of the blue to get together only to flake out on the plan two days later? And, when did a friendly 'stopped by to say hey' turn into an incident worthy of a stalking insinuation? When she wanted to stop talking to you, she stopped calling. If you didn't wish to talk to Jill than why did you call her?
Sadly, Jill's story isn't an isolated situation. Five out of five women have become involved with or know someone who has become involved with a guy who makes simple situations complicated, i.e. guys who like to fuck with your head. If you are a female reading this, you may be thinking, I know this guy. If you are a male, you may be thinking, what's the problem? There is usually one of two reasons as to why a guy creates emotional havoc. Either a) he has been heartbroken and when I say heartbroken I mean won't get out of bed, drinks himself to the point of blackout for a month straight, sleeps with as many girls as possible to make his ego feel inflated or b) he likes to be in control of a situation at all times. If you happen to come across a guy that encompasses both a) and b) you are DOA. How do you spot such a guy? How do you not become entrapped in his meaningless mind games? I hate to tell you this but these complicated, issue ridden guys seem to have something about them, the bad boy factor, the wounded puppy you want to nurse back to health because then he will adore you forever and ever. You think, I am the one who is going to break him. I am worth changing for. You probably are worthy but it's not you, it's him. It's the hardest thing to understand and an even harder thing to accept.
Stereotypically speaking, guys think girls are the dramatic ones, the ones who always want to discuss feelings, establish boundaries. But more and more I see guys creating the drama, suggesting dating other people but seriously are pissed off when you actually do just that. They think three dates means you are boyfriend and girlfriend and if you didn't think you were boyfriend/girlfriend their egos are bruised and they become hateful or if you did think you were boyfriend/girlfriend they get freaked out and stop calling. They like you. They ignore you. It's exhausting, it's ridiculous, it happens to everyone. Is it that hard to just say what you mean and mean what you say?
Now I know what you're thinking, isn't the girl partially to blame for putting up with this utter bullshit? Maybe, but sometimes this addiction to being needed, then discarded and needed again is due partly to the thought of real relationships take work and isn't this part of the work? Where do we draw the line? It's a decision every person has to make for themselves. Antiseptic and bandage or open wound? If relationships are about hard work and putting up with questionable behavior just for the sake of giving it a try, if it's going to sting, then maybe along with that dating questionnaire I should just include the following disclaimer:
Do not complicate simple situations. If you don't want to call, don't call. If you don't want a commitment, don't act like a boyfriend with jealous rages and expectations of being at your beck and call. Neither is acceptable. Complicating simple situations causes sprained thumbs from explanatory text messages that are unnecessary. It causes ridiculous analyzations, brain sprains, heart pains and everything in between. If a problem can be handled in ten minutes, please use the ten minutes and move on. If it's going to be any longer, please mix me a drink. Preferably something with vodka. Thank you for your time.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Like Nothing You've Ever Seen
Since my office desk faces the window, I stare out the window roughly seven hours a day. Five days a week. One hundred and forty hours a month. Most of the time I'm staring at parked cars, the mailman making his rounds, kids that are out of school, sometimes people coming out of the bar across the street, but here's my top ten list of people I hold a special affinity towards for the sheer entertainment value they bring to my mundane working life:
10. Man Driving the Hoopty-
He's not wearing a shirt and has a both a mullet and a mohawk. He has a mullhawk. He parks his white boat of a car outside the door. I see several necklaces hanging from his rearview mirror, as well as a bandana and what quite possibly is a handicapped parking pass, although he clearly does not seem to be impaired in any way (except for the hair). All four windows are down and he strolls into the office reeking of smoke of different varieties. I think I detect the scent of pork rinds as well. He pays cash which as I count out the bills leaves a greasy film on my palm which I try to ignore and subtly wipe on the desk. He leaves and hits his automatic locks button to his car. Even though his windows are down, he has locked his car. Even though I believe this car to be from the 80's. How can he have keyless entry?
9. Lady with Camel Toe-
Out of the bar comes a lady with jean shorts so short and tight that it actually pains me to see her walk to her car. She has a multi-colored halter top that is reminiscent of a Rubix cube and she has on platform shoes. Her top is so low that if any sudden movement, I may be flashed. I expect her to fall at any moment. I wonder if she has a mirror at her home and if not a mirror a rash from the sweat that is sure to become trapped in her shorts. Either the mirror or the rash should keep her from wearing shorts that tight. Common decency and comfort should prevent her. Yet they don't.
8. Sherbet Twins-
I don't think these two people are actually twins, though they very well could be. They are crossdressers. Poorly dressed crossdressers. I am happy to report that I haven't seen them walking together as this would be overkill for my poor eyes. Twin one walks by my window in hot pink glory. Add some feathers and he'd be a flamingo. Twin two is a lighter version and has chosen to deck himself from head to toe in yellow. Yellow shirt, yellow shoes, yellow socks, not one thing is another color. I am betting he is wearing yellow underwear. They are walking popsicles.
7. Man on Bike-
He runs into the pole outside my window while on his bike. The pole is in plain sight and does not block the sidewalk. You have to actually purposefully run into it to well, run into it. He, too, is shirtless the trend down here. Actually, he arrives shirtless, but once he stops puts his shirt back on and then as he departs takes the shirt off once more. I think he doesn't run into the pole as much as uses it as a stopper. He may not have brakes on his bicycle I conclude. He may want to see what flyers are posted on the pole. Either way he uses not his feet nor his brakes to stop, he just runs into the pole. My suggestion to him: wear a helmet.
6. Lady with a Veil-
She is creepy. Don't look at her directly. It would be like staring straight at the sun and you will be blinded or cursed or both. She wears an outfit that makes her look like a nun from hell. She has come into the office declaring that she is a nun and carries a covered basket. It looks like the basket that Dorothy carries in the Wizard of Oz. But I believe there is a gun in this basket and therefore I don't smirk when I see her. Her voice is low and even as if she is trying to hypnotize you. She ends every sentence with, "Jesus, Father Almighty, Our Savior." She also greets you in this way. This is not a greeting. It's a proper noun, with adjectives. I am confused and frightened by her. Steer clear.
5. Man in the Panda Mask-
Fortunately, this man is someone that I know which makes it less odd, although if you've ever just been sitting staring out the window and a panda suddenly appears in your window, it makes you feel like you are hallucinating. Also, if you know a man that would wear a panda mask and walk into an office, something is wrong with both him and you. He marches into my office demanding bamboo leaves with this mask on and I point him to the door. Moments later he appears in the front window, not moving, just standing and staring. Had I not known the man behind the mask, I would've shut the blinds and locked the door. I still probably should have done that.
4. Girl Who Hits the Car Behind Her-
She doesn't look in the rearview. Seems unaffected that she has hit the car behind her in order to make room for her to park and then hits the car again as she leaves. She does it slowly to make it look like an accident, but after the first contact continues to roll back until enough space is made. I think she was deprived of the bumper cars as a kid and is now taking it out on any car that happens to be parked behind her. I bet she does not have insurance.
3. Zoot Suit Man-
He has a handle bar mustache and is dressed for perhaps Mardi Gras? Or a pimp that is seeing hard times? He has a three-piece striped suit, matching hat, shiny shoes. He strolls up and down the sidewalk, sometimes carrying a briefcase, other times carrying a cane. I don't know if maybe this is his occupation, similar to the Naked Cowboy that camps out at Times Square in New York City. I don't think this man makes any money dressing like that and there are clearly no tourists, I just think he likes it. I'm interested to see if his wardrobe changes to accomodate this scorching heat, but nothing so far.
2. Bulb-nosed Man-
His nose looks like the horn you may have had on your bike as a kid. It is impossible to ignore. It's impossible not to stare and wonder if he has tried to have it removed. Not the nose, but whatever is extending from it. You would think the obvious answer would be yes, but then you think if so, then wouldn't he have had it removed? Then you think, maybe it is non-removable and you feel badly for staring. But you still stare, out of the corner of your eye. You can't help it.
1. Stumbling Drunk Man-
It's 10 a.m. I'm barely awake and yet this man has just left the bar from a night of drinking or is an early bird and began drinking when the sun came up. Either way, he is tanked. He stumbles out of the bar across the street and picks up the pay phone. He is wearing one shoe. The police arrive and he tries to walk toward them but gets yanked back by the pay phone cord. This causes him to sway and fall. The ambulance arrives. He is laying on the ground, motionless. I see the gurney wheeling him to the back of the ambulance, he's still wearing just one shoe, but then I see one triumphant hand go up in a thumbs up sign and all is right with the world. He is down but not out.
These people have made my perception of the abnormal borderline on normal and back again. Who decides normal anyway? I'm sure a person seeing a girl staring out the window for seven hours straight might think that to be abnormal.
Of course they would be right.
10. Man Driving the Hoopty-
He's not wearing a shirt and has a both a mullet and a mohawk. He has a mullhawk. He parks his white boat of a car outside the door. I see several necklaces hanging from his rearview mirror, as well as a bandana and what quite possibly is a handicapped parking pass, although he clearly does not seem to be impaired in any way (except for the hair). All four windows are down and he strolls into the office reeking of smoke of different varieties. I think I detect the scent of pork rinds as well. He pays cash which as I count out the bills leaves a greasy film on my palm which I try to ignore and subtly wipe on the desk. He leaves and hits his automatic locks button to his car. Even though his windows are down, he has locked his car. Even though I believe this car to be from the 80's. How can he have keyless entry?
9. Lady with Camel Toe-
Out of the bar comes a lady with jean shorts so short and tight that it actually pains me to see her walk to her car. She has a multi-colored halter top that is reminiscent of a Rubix cube and she has on platform shoes. Her top is so low that if any sudden movement, I may be flashed. I expect her to fall at any moment. I wonder if she has a mirror at her home and if not a mirror a rash from the sweat that is sure to become trapped in her shorts. Either the mirror or the rash should keep her from wearing shorts that tight. Common decency and comfort should prevent her. Yet they don't.
8. Sherbet Twins-
I don't think these two people are actually twins, though they very well could be. They are crossdressers. Poorly dressed crossdressers. I am happy to report that I haven't seen them walking together as this would be overkill for my poor eyes. Twin one walks by my window in hot pink glory. Add some feathers and he'd be a flamingo. Twin two is a lighter version and has chosen to deck himself from head to toe in yellow. Yellow shirt, yellow shoes, yellow socks, not one thing is another color. I am betting he is wearing yellow underwear. They are walking popsicles.
7. Man on Bike-
He runs into the pole outside my window while on his bike. The pole is in plain sight and does not block the sidewalk. You have to actually purposefully run into it to well, run into it. He, too, is shirtless the trend down here. Actually, he arrives shirtless, but once he stops puts his shirt back on and then as he departs takes the shirt off once more. I think he doesn't run into the pole as much as uses it as a stopper. He may not have brakes on his bicycle I conclude. He may want to see what flyers are posted on the pole. Either way he uses not his feet nor his brakes to stop, he just runs into the pole. My suggestion to him: wear a helmet.
6. Lady with a Veil-
She is creepy. Don't look at her directly. It would be like staring straight at the sun and you will be blinded or cursed or both. She wears an outfit that makes her look like a nun from hell. She has come into the office declaring that she is a nun and carries a covered basket. It looks like the basket that Dorothy carries in the Wizard of Oz. But I believe there is a gun in this basket and therefore I don't smirk when I see her. Her voice is low and even as if she is trying to hypnotize you. She ends every sentence with, "Jesus, Father Almighty, Our Savior." She also greets you in this way. This is not a greeting. It's a proper noun, with adjectives. I am confused and frightened by her. Steer clear.
5. Man in the Panda Mask-
Fortunately, this man is someone that I know which makes it less odd, although if you've ever just been sitting staring out the window and a panda suddenly appears in your window, it makes you feel like you are hallucinating. Also, if you know a man that would wear a panda mask and walk into an office, something is wrong with both him and you. He marches into my office demanding bamboo leaves with this mask on and I point him to the door. Moments later he appears in the front window, not moving, just standing and staring. Had I not known the man behind the mask, I would've shut the blinds and locked the door. I still probably should have done that.
4. Girl Who Hits the Car Behind Her-
She doesn't look in the rearview. Seems unaffected that she has hit the car behind her in order to make room for her to park and then hits the car again as she leaves. She does it slowly to make it look like an accident, but after the first contact continues to roll back until enough space is made. I think she was deprived of the bumper cars as a kid and is now taking it out on any car that happens to be parked behind her. I bet she does not have insurance.
3. Zoot Suit Man-
He has a handle bar mustache and is dressed for perhaps Mardi Gras? Or a pimp that is seeing hard times? He has a three-piece striped suit, matching hat, shiny shoes. He strolls up and down the sidewalk, sometimes carrying a briefcase, other times carrying a cane. I don't know if maybe this is his occupation, similar to the Naked Cowboy that camps out at Times Square in New York City. I don't think this man makes any money dressing like that and there are clearly no tourists, I just think he likes it. I'm interested to see if his wardrobe changes to accomodate this scorching heat, but nothing so far.
2. Bulb-nosed Man-
His nose looks like the horn you may have had on your bike as a kid. It is impossible to ignore. It's impossible not to stare and wonder if he has tried to have it removed. Not the nose, but whatever is extending from it. You would think the obvious answer would be yes, but then you think if so, then wouldn't he have had it removed? Then you think, maybe it is non-removable and you feel badly for staring. But you still stare, out of the corner of your eye. You can't help it.
1. Stumbling Drunk Man-
It's 10 a.m. I'm barely awake and yet this man has just left the bar from a night of drinking or is an early bird and began drinking when the sun came up. Either way, he is tanked. He stumbles out of the bar across the street and picks up the pay phone. He is wearing one shoe. The police arrive and he tries to walk toward them but gets yanked back by the pay phone cord. This causes him to sway and fall. The ambulance arrives. He is laying on the ground, motionless. I see the gurney wheeling him to the back of the ambulance, he's still wearing just one shoe, but then I see one triumphant hand go up in a thumbs up sign and all is right with the world. He is down but not out.
These people have made my perception of the abnormal borderline on normal and back again. Who decides normal anyway? I'm sure a person seeing a girl staring out the window for seven hours straight might think that to be abnormal.
Of course they would be right.
Saturday, June 9, 2007
It's My Party and I'll Lie If I Want To
I turned 21 again. Let's call it turning 21 part four. Don't get me wrong, the first time around was fantastic, it included all the right elements: drinking, dancing, puking, but fate intervenes and decides to turn an ordinary Friday night into an extraordinary birthday extravaganza. It happens so fast, a stranger asks your table whose birthday it is and someone points to you. The next thing you know it's being announced by the deejay and some stranger is sending over a shot. And another. And another. For a moment you think, maybe you should come clean. It's not your birthday. You've already celebrated being 21 four years ago. But then, who am I to mess with fate?
It is a mathematical certainty that fun people like to hang out with other fun people. Add some vodka and several shots of some sweet concoctions and you have a ready made par-tay. Special occasions such as fake birthdays turn strangers into friends, spazzes into dancers and an Avril Lavigne song worthy of bopping around spewing lyrics that rhyme 'damn precious' with 'motherfucking princess'. I know what you're thinking-why would you tell a stranger something that wasn't true? How about because to say you're from Hollywood, that you're named after a stripper and are a bar virgin is far more entertaining than saying you live twenty blocks down the road and you work a job that actually seems to be the antithesis to intelluctual enlightenment. Haven't you ever pretended you were someone else? I have my whole life. As a kid, I used to pretend I was famous and conduct interviews with myself in the mirror. I pretended I was a gymnast and would jump off the couch trying to perfect my landing. In 4th grade, my friend and I pretended we were running away from home and packed our bookbags with sandwiches, beef jerky and CapriSuns. We only ran away to the golf course to run through the sprinklers and went home when our snacks were gone, but it was fun while it lasted.
Enter the alter ego which encourages fun while it lasts. The alter ego is a Friday night's booty call. You call on your alter ego to liven up your night, to do something extremely foolish and forbidden just because you can. Every day all day you're you. It's fine. But not fun. It's safe but not exciting. That's where your alter ego comes in, so that if you do something, say something, think something so off from who you are, you have an explanation. This is not lying to yourself. This is helping yourself from reaching the point of mindless insanity. The insanity that ensues only after a life of mundane routine has grayed your spirit. It's taking life's lemons and adding vodka for a very delicious cocktail.
But what happens if someone finds you out? What if someone threatens to rain on your parade and tell people that it is in fact not your birthday? Then, you offer that person a drink, give them a wink and smile. One day they'll understand. They'll get what it's about. There are four and a half days a week when there is inevitably going to be downers that forget what it's like to go with the flow, have a good time, enjoy life. There are four and a half days for life to take contol of you instead of the other way around, when things like bills and debt and general stress threaten to age you in such a way that you become morphed into said downer who causes others to decide to have fake birthdays. Then comes Friday afternoon, four and a half days have been survived and that in itself is reason enough to celebrate. Even if you think it's silly to have pretend special occasions, there will come a time when you will feel like being someone else, when you will feel like creating a party for no reason. It will come around the time you realize the only rules that need to be followed are your own. I don't know if this will happen to you anytime soon. But I sure hope it does.
It is a mathematical certainty that fun people like to hang out with other fun people. Add some vodka and several shots of some sweet concoctions and you have a ready made par-tay. Special occasions such as fake birthdays turn strangers into friends, spazzes into dancers and an Avril Lavigne song worthy of bopping around spewing lyrics that rhyme 'damn precious' with 'motherfucking princess'. I know what you're thinking-why would you tell a stranger something that wasn't true? How about because to say you're from Hollywood, that you're named after a stripper and are a bar virgin is far more entertaining than saying you live twenty blocks down the road and you work a job that actually seems to be the antithesis to intelluctual enlightenment. Haven't you ever pretended you were someone else? I have my whole life. As a kid, I used to pretend I was famous and conduct interviews with myself in the mirror. I pretended I was a gymnast and would jump off the couch trying to perfect my landing. In 4th grade, my friend and I pretended we were running away from home and packed our bookbags with sandwiches, beef jerky and CapriSuns. We only ran away to the golf course to run through the sprinklers and went home when our snacks were gone, but it was fun while it lasted.
Enter the alter ego which encourages fun while it lasts. The alter ego is a Friday night's booty call. You call on your alter ego to liven up your night, to do something extremely foolish and forbidden just because you can. Every day all day you're you. It's fine. But not fun. It's safe but not exciting. That's where your alter ego comes in, so that if you do something, say something, think something so off from who you are, you have an explanation. This is not lying to yourself. This is helping yourself from reaching the point of mindless insanity. The insanity that ensues only after a life of mundane routine has grayed your spirit. It's taking life's lemons and adding vodka for a very delicious cocktail.
But what happens if someone finds you out? What if someone threatens to rain on your parade and tell people that it is in fact not your birthday? Then, you offer that person a drink, give them a wink and smile. One day they'll understand. They'll get what it's about. There are four and a half days a week when there is inevitably going to be downers that forget what it's like to go with the flow, have a good time, enjoy life. There are four and a half days for life to take contol of you instead of the other way around, when things like bills and debt and general stress threaten to age you in such a way that you become morphed into said downer who causes others to decide to have fake birthdays. Then comes Friday afternoon, four and a half days have been survived and that in itself is reason enough to celebrate. Even if you think it's silly to have pretend special occasions, there will come a time when you will feel like being someone else, when you will feel like creating a party for no reason. It will come around the time you realize the only rules that need to be followed are your own. I don't know if this will happen to you anytime soon. But I sure hope it does.
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