Survey Says

Everyone has their own version of the 'perfect guy'. Most lists have the standard: good looks, sense of humor, intelligence. And, then some lists also include things such as strong family values, fun personality, and good shoes. Ok, maybe that last one is just on mine. Most of the time though if we find a guy that has just one of these characteristics we jump the gun and think maybe, could it be, that we have found the perfect guy! And the list goes right out the window. We zero in, not thinking through the other choices we might have, only because we so desperately want this guy right now to be the right one. Why do we do this? It's because we have the Family Feud mentality.

You know how on Family Feud the host will pose a question like, "Name an animal that begins with the letter 'C' and some fool will respond with, "Caribou!" and that person's family will hesitate for a second before erupting with enthusiastic applause and cheers of "good answer!" when you, the home viewer, are thinking just like everyone else, um, that's not a good answer. Cow is a good answer. Cat. Caribou? What the hell?

The host yells out, "Show me caribou!" and the response is a loud buzzer and a big red 'X' that signifies that the given answer is not only not on the list but that the person who gave the answer is an idiot. But the thing is, it was that person's turn, their choice, their mistake to make, that's how the game is played. The family will groan sympathetically, supportive to the person guessing and will keep cheering knowing that their next answer will be better. I mean anything has to be better than caribou.

This is the Family Feud mentality. This way of thinking, this confidence in decision-making, hopeful, full-steam ahead, screw what you think because I got it right this time feeling has caused females across the nation to cross paths with the following motley crew of males:

10. Ego-booster guy: You're not really interested in him. You didn't even notice him until he started telling you how beautiful you are, how he'd like to take you out and when he does shows up with flowers and holds the door open. He's bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, nice, polite, calls when he says he will but in the back of your mind you think, he's not that cute. He could even borderline ugly. And there are such lulls in the conversation that at certain points you swear you hear crickets or snippets of other people's conversations which are far better than the one you are participating in. But the boy sure knows how to give a compliment. Somehow these guys usually show up when you're having a fat day or during a wedding reception.

9. I-can't-see-straight-because-I'm-drunk guy: The guy you've hooked up with only due to high levels of intoxication. If you are fortunate you will not have to see this guy again because hopefully you were smart and did not spend the night. You probably either puked or cried in front of him and if you did stay the night, you wake up with mascara smeared under your eyes, a bad case of cotton mouth, and recoil at the first spot of daylight. You look over. He is passed out, drooling, one hand down his pants. You hope to never see him again. He's not ugly. At least he wasn't the night before.

8. White Picket Fence guy: He's smart, kind, and is as loyal as a Golden Retriever. He has the kind of looks that you find in a Ralph Lauren sailing ad. You know that he wants 2.5 children, a manicured lawn and a country club membership. He is the modern day equivalent to Prince Charming. But after awhile he looks a little too vanilla. His demeanor a tad too pure. Also, you think he might have his mom on speed dial. Plus, don't you think it's the pure ones that usually end up wanting to wear your underwear?

7. Take One For the Team guy: If you're lucky this guy is at least cute and can hold your attention as you're supposed to distract him while your friend flirts with his friend. Hopefully by the end of the night she will have locked it up so that you won't have to go into overtime because he's actually kind of getting on your nerves. Guys think they are the only ones who have wingmen. I beg to differ.

6. Older guy: This guy has his act together. He wines and dines you and knows what he wants. He's romantic without being corny, sweet without being sappy. Witty without being pretentious. However, he begins to refer to you and he as 'we' as in, "We are going to look at houses next weekend. We are planning to fly to Wisconsin to see my parents for the holiday." You've been dating for three weeks. You're not sure you even know his last name. In this scenario, don't answer his calls and pretend that you have moved. Or better yet don't pretend, just move.

5. In Theory guy: This is a guy that you have been friends with for awhile and get along with so well that you think that in theory you should be a perfect match. You have the same taste in music and can have four hour conversations about absolutely nothing. You finish each other's sentences. You go together like peas and carrots. You find this to be less true when you learn that he is a follower of the jackrabbit sex method. This is bad.

4. The "Yes" guy: Is he good-looking, charming, sweet? Yes, yes and yes. Do most of your conversations end with him apologizing and/or explaining himself? Yes. Does he already have a girlfriend that you didn't know about? Yes. Has she called you herself to tell you this? Quite possibly, yes.

3. I Told You So guy: This could be the same as Yes guy except that you already sensed that he probably had a girlfriend. You already knew that going into this you weren't looking for a serious relationship, you were looking for a project. You wanted to be the person that proved everyone wrong and could show what a sweet, misunderstood, decent guy he is. He's not. It's not your friends saying I told you so. It's you saying it to yourself.

2. Recovery guy: Don't confuse him with a rebound guy. Recovery guy is there to help you recover from the last guy you were with. He's not there to rebound you back into relationship mode. He is there mostly for decoration so that just by looking at him it makes you feel better.

1. Perfect guy: This guy didn't make the survey...

Yet.

Yes, I said it. I do think the perfect guy is out there because someone's caribou could be your cow and vice-versa. We may not get it right the first time. Or the tenth. It may not be the most popular choice but even if it's the wrong one we can continue clapping with all the enthusiasm we had at the beginning because win or lose each turn we have we still get to believe that this time, we got it right. That this was the time we finally, truly have a good answer. There are no takebacks. That's how the game is played. Go big or go home. There's no other way.