This Isn't Once Upon a Time

Have you ever been dumped and have someone tell you, don't worry you'll find someone better and you know that the person who said this was trying to be supportive but it ended up making you feel more like shit? It's because you feel like an asshole for liking someone that ended up making you look like a fool or hurt your feelings or in the worse case scenario broke your heart. It's because although you might know you need to/can find someone better, you just might not be ready yet.

I had my crush of two months come to a screeching halt when I witnessed him full-on, drunkenly making out with what I'm assuming to be some random bar chick. I know, I know we've all been there making out with inappropriate people at inappropriate times but it annoyed me, bummed me out and more than that it prompted more than one of my friends to say, don't worry you'll find someone better. To me that's like saying, don't worry you could have, have done and will do again much worse than liking someone like him. Which sadly is true but, is it so bad that I still would like to have a crush on the boy?

One of my other friends wonders why I can't and I told her that while I still think he's cute, nice guy, blah, blah, whatever, he can't be a crush anymore. He's filed himself under You Know, That One Guy. I know that people aren't perfect, make mistakes, have flaws but I expect to see this after the crush phase, after a date, after something. It's like being told a fairy tale and then right in the middle saying that Cinderella arrives in her beautiful gown only to see Prince Charming grinding with her skanky stepsister.

Definitely a downer.

I'm guess I'm just reaching a point in my life where the hangovers seem harder to get over, all tolerance levels have decreased and my expectations have increased. This makes me feel old which in turn makes me feel tired. Too tired to try and find someone better. And really, isn't it his turn to find me? I know they say you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. But I say, don't you know frogs give you warts and once you get warts, stick a fork in it, you're done. And I'm sorry to say this but he probably got them from the skanky stepsister.

Son of a bitch.

Try to Keep Up, Turtle

So the question was: If the turtle isn't going anywhere, shouldn't he be taken out of the race?

He's not taken out of the race but he's left on his own. Because what I didn't tell you is at this annual hometown event, it wasn't just the race, there was a parade, free sno cones and a barbecue. Once the turtles who were going to place made it across the line, then everyone else scooped up their losing turtles and went about their days. Better yet, some left their turtles to live the lives they were going to live before the race was even an idea. I wanted my turtle to win, to at least cross the finish line but with him not budging I should have known that I needed to go my way and he needed to go his. Me watching him and willing him to move was a fruitless effort. Maybe it just wasn't the right time or the right turtle.

Maybe he would've crossed that line eventually but I'm sure by that time I would be eating my third sno cone. I would be participating in the parade. I would have forgotten about the race and know if he came looking for me, he would never be able to catch up unless I decided to slow down.

And I don't really see that happening.

If Nothing Else, Remember to Order the Nachos

When I was 21, I was a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed college graduate ready to fulfill my dream of living in New York City. I had all the verve and courage to follow through and move to a city without a job or friends or really any idea of what I was doing. It has been the highlight of my life so far and five years later I can't help but miss that girl. I'm finding it a struggle to move forward, to understand that I can't, won't be as carefree as I once was. If that was the peak of my life, is it all downhill from here?

Since then siblings have gotten married, friends have had babies, people have graduated and still the main event of my life is something that occurred five years ago. Yet, at the same time I am enjoying the moment. Life being such a surprise that one week you can have your heart broken and the very next it's beating stronger than ever. Reaching a point where perspective makes you see that one mistake, one embarrassment doesn't make or break you. Enjoying the excitement of the unknown and rolling with the punches of everything else. So maybe getting older is making me get a tad sentimental but I feel I should dispense a little of what I've learned in the past 25 years.

I've learned that you have to make your own rules. That these rules can change, be ignored or enforced as needed. That no one can tell you that you're playing the game, any game, right or wrong because you're the captain, not them.

I've learned to follow your heart but use your head and that in the middle of the two is your gut and that is usually the best thing to listen to.

I've learned drama is better seen and not lived. Though it may seem exciting in the moment, it's not worth the energy dispensed and if walking away makes it easier then that's exactly what needs to be done.

I've learned that if you are lucky, your friends are your family and family are your friends.

I've learned that hearts can be healed, not with time or understanding or lamenting over what is lost. Hearts are healed by letting the good grow over the bad but understanding it's just as much the bad that got you here as it is the good.

I've learned that you should dance like absolutely everyone is watching and love like you have been hurt because there's no point in pretending.

I've learned to learn from your mistakes but don't sweat it if the very same thing happens again. And again.

I've learned apologies come in all forms and some forms are just unacceptable and therefore do not have to be accepted. Sorry gets redundant if that's the only thing you ever hear.

I've learned when in doubt order the nachos.

I've learned to be true to yourself, never settle for what you know is mediocre, don't change your mind to follow the herd, you're all out in the same pasture anyway.

I've learned that singing in the car is better if someone catches you doing it.

I've learned that some people love to be chased but not all of them necessarily want to be caught.

I've learned that no matter what anyone says, what they think you should do, believe or feel in your life, it's ultimately up to you, you just have to do it your own way.

I've learned you'll get over it.

And finally, I've learned that just when you think that it's all over, life will surprise you, so stay where you are so you don't miss a single moment.

Turtle Race

My hometown has a tradition where every 4th of July there is a turtle race. Just as it sounds, your turtle gets a number painted on his back and then he is placed within a big chalk-lined circle to race the other turtles to the outside. Yes, I am from a small town and yes, this was entertaining. Unless you are me. Most of the turtles would start going right away, some faster than others of course. Not mine. He stayed in one place, maybe taking one or two steps and then seemingly exhausted failed to move again. The other turtles were making their way to the outside of the circle and despite coaxing from me, my turtle did not budge. I thought nothing could move slower. I was wrong. There is someone slower.

Here's the situation:
Girl spends part of evening chatting with crush and subsequently ends up sending him an email which he does not respond to. Never one to give up on the first try, girl sends another email that which crush responds to but then she doesn't see or hear from him for two months. Next time she sees him, they again have a lovely conversation which leads girl to email crush her phone number only to have her phone take a vow of silence. Within a week, girl sees crush yet again and shamelessly reminds him that he has her phone number and nothing. This is the point where girl is to go home, listen to sad, wailing music and eat Ben & Jerry's while contemplating never coming out of her apartment again, right?

Optimists will say, no, hang in there girl. He's talked to you. He's responded to your email, don't be so quick to give up. But don't you think girl needs something to verify that he may actually be interested in her versus the fact that he is just a nice guy who responds when people email and talk to him? If there is a slim chance that crush likes girl, then he's not showing it and if he's showing it, he is moving at a very slow pace. Not unlike my turtle. What is the time limit before effort and energy becomes a futile attempt worthy of an entry in the sequel of 'He's Just Not That Into You'?

I mean the turtle isn't going anywhere, shouldn't he be taken out of the race?

To be continued...

Plan A

I am getting ready to start a new job in a week and I've had a few friends bring to my attention the fact that I tend to switch jobs quite a bit. I was ready to protest when I realized that this will be my fifth job in six years. Am I really such a job slut? I think the reason I don't settle into a career is because, like I tell my mom, I'm just not the working kind. I want to write. For a living. Everything else is a time filler, bill payer. Why is that so hard to understand? I don't like 9 to 5. I don't like thinking I'm going to be doing the same thing for the next thirty years. I've been told I just haven't worked somewhere challenging enough but I don't find it gratifying to have a challenging job, mainly I just find it a pain in the ass. All of it. The jobs, the bosses, the coworkers and everything in between.

Most jobs require some interaction with other people and these people expect you to be happy 24/7. They expect to hear excitement in your voice first thing in the morning and are astounded when what they want sometimes you can't give to them. I'm not happy first thing in the morning. I don't wake up jumping out of bed looking forward to a new day. I need coffee. I need peace and quiet before people start demanding things from me. I need time for my brain to wake up. I don't know how I'm going to overcome this when I have children but that is something for a whole other day.

I feel I got gypped as far as my college education. I don't say this because I didn't go to a great school, have fantastic teachers or have the best time of my life, because I did. I say this because having a college degree doesn't mean a whole hell of a lot. Employers want you to have a master's degree at the least, want you to have worked in the Peace Corps, found the cure for cancer and climbed Mount Everest all in the same year. They always want more and more and more. And my answer is no. No, no, no. Although I'm punctual, responsible, reliable, an excellent employee, I don't take pride in this. I don't feel better about myself because I do a good job. I feel better about myself when I make someone happy, when I fix someone's problem. I feel better when I feel like I've experienced something exciting or traveled somewhere new. Sitting at a desk for eight hours doesn't make me feel like an important contribution to society.

In the back of everyone's mind I feel they want to know what I'm planning to do if this writing thing doesn't pan out. What my plan B will be. I don't have plan B's. I have plan A. Plan A is doing what I want. Plan A is refusing to be rushed or pressured into a life that I don't want to live. I won't feel inadequate because I job hop. I have waited forever to have this kind of freedom where whatever I decide to do with my life is up to me and only me. I don't know if you really ever have the chance to be so selfish except for after school and before marriage, so I am going to take full advantage.

So all of you with a backup plan maybe you are smarter than I, more prepared. But then again maybe you're just scared that what you really want isn't what you're going to get and you will settle for a runner-up, plan B kind of life. And that might work for you. But not for me. I told you, I'm not the working kind.

Duck Duck Goose

We've all been there whether we want to admit it or not. We've been chosen as the goose and have had no choice but to get up and chase the tagger around. We may not have been interested in Tagger, may have even closed our eyes and silently begged Tagger not to choose us but if you get tagged, you have to chase.

That's how you play the game.

At one time or another we have all been tagged. Tagged by the one that is charming and cute in such a way it makes you nervous but excited at the same time. But also the one that you try to picture hanging out with your friends, attending your family functions knowing in your gut, in your heart of hearts, something doesn't quite fit because Tagger is going to be the one that you know deep down will never be the person you fully intend him to be. You may have thought that he showed some promising characteristics at the beginning but in the end he confirmed that he is unchangeable and will forever be a non-committal, probably cheating, frustrating, cute as hell tagger.

My tagger was someone who I was never attracted to in the beginning. I'm not blind so I knew he was good-looking but his arrogant attitude was enough to annoy me to the point of steering clear whenever he was around. I was able to bypass him for quite a long time before the unexpected, inexplicable night came when I thought maybe, just maybe, Tagger had something beneath the surface that hadn't yet been discovered. Here let me interject and say, it is never a good idea to compare a guy to one of the Seven Wonders of the World. They don't need to be discovered. There's nothing so deep below the surface that you have to dig for years to find the hidden secret to a revealing past. If you haven't found it by now, it's probably not there. It still doesn't stop you from searching though, through the arrogance, through his selfishness which was only his way of protecting an earlier hurt which you had no part of but since it is female nature to want to nurture those who are hurt, I thought that if I gave it a try, was patient and understanding enough that the wall he had worked so hard at building up would come crumbling down and everyone would see the kindhearted person who hid underneath. This did not happen.

Shocker.

It's not that Tagger was intentionally hurtful but, his thoughtfulness was only revealed on his own terms, on his own time and I'm not one for these kind of conditional situations. Yet, I kept trying and waiting, going back and forth, even giving up the chase always having the game lead me back to him. But just like any blinded attraction, I finally saw the truth, accepted it when the explanations failed to convince me that being involved was sadly not worth it. The end comes when the game stops being fun. The one thing that may have turned it around would be his acceptance of his damaged ways, which he finally admitted to but also his intention to fix them, which he didn't wholeheartedly agree to. He said he wanted to try and change but it wasn't enough. I was done with the chase. Game over.

If I sound like a fool, then maybe I was. But you can be the most level-headed, confident person and if tagged, you can turn into someone who feels like you have failed in some way because far beyond any romantic feelings you may ever have felt, it becomes more of a need to fix something that you didn't even break. You will feel like you didn't care enough, didn't wait it out, didn't have enough faith eventually realizing that it is them, not you. You'll realize it's their responsibility to stop using their past hurt as an excuse for their present behavior because we have all had our heart broken in some way, maybe mulitiple times and if we all chose to dwell on that alone, lamented about being misunderstood to everyone that crossed our path, then we would be on a way to a very lonely and miserable existence.

What can I say? I was the goose. Sitting there wasn't an option. We long for the excitement, the thrill of the chase. Otherwise, we'd take ourselves out of the circle and then what fun would that be?

Because really, who wants to miss out on the game?

Saving Up for Tomorrow

My grandma used to think she was going to win the Publisher's Clearinghouse. Everytime I went to her house she would have the forms piled up ready for me to fill out and send, in the hopes that Ed McMahon would arrive at her door with a big check and multi-colored balloons. I feel that I take after my grandma. I too have a feeling that any day my ship is going to come in, that I am going to win the Powerball or that my long lost great-great-great relative will reveal that I am actually the next in line to be the ruler of some foreign country. However, it has come to my attention via my older brother that this is unlikely. This harsh reality mixed with the fact that I am not money savvy leads me to entertain the thought that maybe I should quit relying on the non-existent fact that I am seconds away from a becoming a bazillionaire and accept that any money I do have should be used toward things like new tires or dentist bills.

The fact that I'm not good with money, except for the art of spending it, isn't new information. I never kept money in a piggy bank. I felt nickels and dimes were much more fun jingling in my pocket then in a ceramic pig. I pay for Taco Bell with quarters on a regular basis and the last time my mom saw the insides of my refrigerator, which contained a tub of butter, eggs, and a Brita pitcher, I thought she was going to cry. I realize that it's nice to have a plan for the future, for retirement, for the fact that one day I may have someone other than myself to think about; however, none of that is happening right now. It's hard for me to wrap my head around where I'm going to be in ten or twenty years when I don't even know where I'll be next week. It's confusing really when everyone is assuring me that by being in my 20's that I'm considered young, yet I'm feeling the push to hurry and become responsible, settled and financially sound. I mean do I have to have it figured out right this minute? What if Ed McMahon is pulling up in the parking lot as we speak?

There are some people who if they were down to their last ten dollars they would save it, fill up their tank with gas or buy ten dollars worth of groceries. If I was down to my last ten dollars (and I have been many times) I would grab a drink, go to a movie, buy myself a milkshake. Because the truth is, I can be poor and miserable or be poor and happy and if I die tomorrow you know I'll be thankful I bought that milkshake and not a freaking loaf of bread. I know most people think this is a naive way of thinking, that of course they too would want to spend their money on impractical, instantly gratifying things but what about bills, groceries, rent? What about them? They don't go away because I stay in every weekend or eat the same thing for a week. I've already tested that theory.

Granted there is something to be said for saving and building good credit. I do want to have a house, a zero balance on my Visa and a nest egg and I'm sure I'll have that. Some day. But why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? I can hear the scoffs, the groans, all the lectures now but can I tell you a secret? Not to be a complete brat but, it's my life. My choices. My mistakes. I'm not going to start a 401k to appease my brother. I'm not going to stop ordering milkshakes. I think by this age you are expected to have a budget, savings plan and a credit card to be used in case of emergency only. I have none of the above. I see the timeline of events and I feel that I got tripped up and I'm still trying to find my footing.

So maybe I'm financially behind for my age group. Maybe I'm not going to win the lottery. And maybe my tombstone isn't going to read 'Here Lies a Money Saver'. But here's the thing, I don't have to map out my financial future and turn it in for review. Money won't ever be on my list of achievements or on a list of my failures for that matter. I don't believe in an in case of emergency plan so don't hold your breath that I'm going to figure this out today. That is what tomorrow is for. And if tomorrow never comes, well then, none of this will even matter.