hope it was good for you

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, so the saying goes. You smack me, I smack you. Is that how it goes? Usually, I leave it up to the hormone-driven males to go ballistic and start fights and we girls are left running our mouths and giving evil glares. But there are those girls out there that just can't hold their temper. Maybe I am one of them, but I think the trick is holding it just a second longer then the person that decides to take it to the next level and want to fight.

I've never hit anyone, but can't say I never would. But I do think twice. The reason being is that this isn't high school. I don't live in small town America anymore, where the cops all know us by name and yell at us to go home when we're out past our curfew. I live in green grass, suburban living where the cops show up and want to know what's been done and who's done it. And if that person is you, then you're going to have to pay.

On one hand, it does seem kind of silly. A person who's been violated should be able to do so back. No one else should be involved, not even the police. That's just not how it works. And the thing is, everyone knows that. They may not like it, but they know it. Maybe holding on that one second longer makes the 'hit' without hitting hurt that much more. Only God can judge, that's what we're told and that's what I believe. But I also believe in first impressions and definitely will form an opinion on people who reek ugly. And if you're the kind of person that without thinking, without being instigated to do so, results in unnecessary roughness then you just sealed your own fate. Because everyone knows, God does not like ugly.

So in the end, is it worth it? Maybe some fights are. Maybe someone makes you so mad, ran their mouths too much, that a smack to the face is worth all that follows, which includes the knowledge had you used your head for just a second and not been the first person to flinch, you might've been walking on the other side.

But once you set anger and frustration into motion, at times you might just wish that other person would've just grabbed you back, call it even and walk away. But if that other person sidesteps you, that just means you're still in motion and you don't have much control over when it will stop, if it stops at all.

i hate winter

I hate winter. The only reason I tolerate it is because I can do marathon eating at Thanksgiving and I get to Martha Stewart it up during Christmas season. Other than that, I hate it. I hate the cold and ice and dark. I hate that I have to wear a coat and gloves and my hair becomes static-y. I don't know if I've always been like this or as I get older my body rejects extreme temperatures. I can't wait until California. When cold is fifty degrees.

I hibernate in the winter. I hibernate and cook. Maybe I am part bear? I stay in and bake and clean and take multiple naps on the weekend just waiting for the sun to come out. Just waiting for the weather to feel hopeful rather than dismal. It's a good time to get things done, I guess. I just got back from vacation in New Orleans, where the weather was absolutely perfect and I couldn't imagine getting anything done but being outside, enjoying life. At least with depressing winter, I have to try harder to find entertainment. I can cross things off my 'to do' list. Clean out closet. Check. Read old magazines and recycle. Check. Bake three dozen cookies. Check.

After awhile, it's enough to drive a person crazy. Even for a person like me, who at times, actually prefers being alone. I feel serious in winter. I feel like the cold is a slap in the face telling me that now is the time to get all the shit done that I put off all summer. And to be honest, it's not far from the truth. There's no room for responsibility when I'm laying by the pool, when there's more light in the day making it impossible for me to want to go home. It's the opposite in winter, I always want to be home.

So maybe it's a good time to make a list and cross things off. I've already made a list of things I need to buy for Thanksgiving, i.e. things I want to eat. I need a list of things I want to accomplish, places I want to see, people I want to meet. And then, when the sun comes out again, when the winter coat is stored away, I can work on crossing them off. Of course, all the things I want to do are things that can't be done in winter. Things are twice as desirable when you can't have them.

It's about a month and a half away from 2010. And, boy is my list gonna be long by then. I guess I should embrace winter and it's insistence on keeping me indoors, because 2010 is gonna be year of follow though, busy and exciting and might just make me yearn for one winter day when life wasn't moving quite so fast...

decisions, decisions

Today, I boo'd a bride-to-be. I convinced a David's Bridal employee to give me an additional $50 coupon in secret and I spit out someone's wedding cake sample. This all tells me one thing: it's probably best that I am not the one getting married.

I had never been to a bridal convention until today. A couple hundred vendors all telling you what cake, dress, and honeymoon vacation is best for you. And all I kept thinking as my friend and I were walking past the booths was, I don't need any of this. Of course, you need information on pricing. And you need to know who's going to bake the cake, alter the dress but you don't need someone to tell you the way to go. Just like love, you either have no idea what you want and go looking for it, hoping you'll get an idea or you decide for yourself what you want and then take the necessary steps to make it work.

The girl I boo'd had just won a free wedding dress. The emcee called her name repeatedly before people started pointing to her and saying that she had won. She just sat there, arms folded and did not say a word. Finally, she said she didn't want to get on the stage. You don't want to get on the stage?! Let me get this straight, you filled out a form with your name on it. Your name, out of hundreds, was called because you won a prize and you can't march your slipper wearing brat ass up to the stage? And you're going to get married? Are you getting married in a cave with no one else around, because spoiler alert! people will be at your wedding! Hence, they will SEE you.

After my boo'ing, I couldn't help but appreciate that I was at a bridal convention because one of my best friends is getting married. And she is definitely not a brat. She would happily accept a free dress and she did not throw me a look of scorn as I (admittedly brat-ish myself) boo'd a fellow future bride. Had I been with anyone else, I don't think it would've been as much fun. I think the girl and the bad cake and the overwhelming feeling of information overload would've broken me down. But all I could feel was excitement for my friend. All I could think was that I could actually talk for hours about her wedding planning and truly enjoy it. Maybe the bridal convention is a rite of passage, a test of patience and endurance. An eye-opener that lets you see all you ever wanted is right within reach.

Because after all the craziness, the choices, the planning, you get to see that despite what anyone thinks, does or tells you to do, in the moments of a wedding, the moments that truly matter, you realize there were only ever two decisions needed.

His decision to ask. Her decision to say 'yes'.

sorry sorry sucker?

People say you're supposed to 'forgive and forget'. They say this as if both forgiving and forgetting are one in the same. But they're not. I don't forget much. And I definitely don't forget things that created such an impact on my life, that I had to forgive someone to move forward. Those people who talk about forgiving and forgetting are probably the ones that have done something wrong.

There have been instances in my life where forgiving wasn't really an option. When someone has done something and then left. They left with no implication that forgiveness was to be sought out. And often times turn right back around to do it again. Because sometimes people do things that hurt us and they don't know they have. Or they do things to hurt us and they simply don't care. Or they don't care enough. So then are we to forgive someone that isn't even sorry?

The trick is knowing that one day down the road they will be sorry. They might not feel sorry but they will be sorry. They might not apologize, they may not see any more clearly the error of their ways but they will reach a time where they will not understand who they are. Usually, by the time they've reached this point in their lives, an apology seems unnecessary. An apology seems like an insult. So the ones hurt are left without releasing forgiveness. And both are only reminded that they haven't forgotten.

It doesn't make you a bad person if you can't forget the past. What it makes you is a person that is living with someone else's regret. Whether you've been in the position yourself and you've done something that you can't take back or you're the person that couldn't swallow your pride, maybe you've been there on the opposite end. Maybe you've wanted to say you were sorry to someone but knew an apology wouldn't erase the hurt that occurred. Two words don't undo a broken heart.

So maybe by forgiving and forgetting we aren't supposed to forget the past, what's happened. What we've done, what's been done to us. Maybe we're supposed to forget the power of another person's actions over us and forgive that we are not perfect. No one is perfect. And for those moments that scar us, it's right there, how can we forget? One is a reaction and one is an action and it's anyone's guess as to which one is which...

my dirty little (not so) secret

A birthday is better than the traditional new year on January 1st. A birthday is your personal time to make resolutions for yourself. I never resolve to do anything. Actually, every year I promise myself that I will be nicer and meaner at the same time. Nicer because I can, at times, be bitchy and meaner because also at times I can be taken advantage of. So goes the balance of life.

And although I try to keep my regrets to a minimum, I do have some bad habits. I mean not like addictive habits where I need to meet anonymously with a group and work through the problems but bad enough habits, where it makes me stop and ask myself, 'Why do you keep doing this?'

Bad Habit #1:

Stalking people. When I am bored at work, which is often, not due to laziness more due to efficiency I say, I find myself stalking people via the internet. I mean their information is just OUT there for everyone to read and see. Some people are not afraid to tell every little ounce of information they can about their lives. I have seen people hook up and break up, lose jobs, move to different cities, talk trash, make amends and have never had to talk to that person once about it. They just update it on their (you pick which) page. And God bless them for putting their business out there because it gives me at least a half hour of entertainment during an otherwise boring day. Why stalk? Why not, I say. I don't necessarily want or need to know people's business. It's just there. So I look.

Bad Habit #2:

Being self-absorbed. Once in awhile I will actually catch myself talking about myself too much in a conversation. Sometimes I get steamrolling on a subject and then I'm like, why doesn't someone just tell me to give it a rest. Luckily, I usually am talking to someone that knows and loves me and believes that eventually I will shut up.

Bad Habit #3:

Being judgmental. To be fair I'm the most judgmental of myself. And usually I'm not doing it to be snarky, I'm naturally opinionated. And those opinions spew out of my mouth without warning.

Bad Habit #4:

Enjoying the chase. I never really would think I would be this type of girl. I'm lazy by nature. I like to assess situations before exerting any effort. But I blame this habit once again on boredom. The chase is always slightly out of my reach, sometimes because I keep it that way because what am I supposed to do when the chase is over? You never want to actual catch the person because the game is over and I have to find something else to do.

Bad Habit #5:

Worrying about what people think. I don't worry, as in it keeps me up at night but I do take it into consideration. The truth of the matter is that whatever anyone has ever said or thought about me, good or bad, has probably at one time been true. And I have to accept the fact that some people just will believe that I am only one certain thing. That Courtney, she's such a bitch. Well, tell me something I don't know, doll.

Okay, so those are only five bad habits, but if I listed all of them this list might never end. So what to do about them?

Well as far as stalking, I know it's not necessary. And to be honest it's not as entertaining as it once was. Sometimes I've found out information that I might not otherwise have known or needed to know and maybe that's for a reason. I like honesty and minimal drama (unless it's happening to someone else) and that's usually doesn't go hand in hand with stalking. What happens to other people has nothing to do with me. And if it does, finding out in a secondhand way is never good.

I have a feeling I'll always have a bit of angst; therefore, I will always feel compelled to try to relate to someone and talk about myself, hoping that someone else will make me feel like I'm not the only one who has ever done something fucked up. But I don't want to end up like Tyra Banks. Have you ever seen her talk show? Somehow, she ends up making her problems being bigger than any of her guests. Note to self: do not be like Tyra.

Which leads me to being judgmental, which not gonna lie, is going to be one of the harder habits to break. Often times, I just feel it's observation because I'm just stating fact (well, fact according to me). Because I don't care what people wear, say, do I just like to point out when I think it's weird.

I think #4 will work itself out. I'm getting old.

I think partly the reason why I worry about what people think is because I know what a judgmental ass I can be and if there is a chance there is another me roaming around out there, somewhere pointing every faux pas I make, well then I'm going to be a little self-conscious. But why? What they say about me matters just about as much as what I say about them. I need to take a cue from Weezer and do the things I wanna do, because I ain't got nothing to prove to you. Eat my candy with the pork and beans, excuse my manners if I make a scene. Yeah, all that except the pork and beans part because I don't even know what that means.

It's just time to break some habits, start afresh. Bye-bye to what once was. Hello to what will soon be...

i'm a brat. let's be honest though. you are too.

I've seem to have had several arguments that have ended with the other person telling me they're not perfect. As if this is the answer to everything we've just been fighting about. But that's not an answer, it's a fact.

No one is perfect.

And no one should expect someone else to be. But there's a difference from hiding behind imperfection and continuously working on being a better person. To know you have things to work on and you choose not to is almost as bad as saying that you're perfect in the first place. No one should be above addressing their shortcomings, righting their wrongs, if for no one else but themselves. But few people take criticism well, me included, and no one wants it pointed out. But if the person I am now is the only version of the person I'll ever be then what am I doing? I'm never gonna meet anyone new? Or do anything different? I'm going to listen only to myself and never see things from a different point of view? I should be ok with who I am now, because I'm imperfect and that's just who I am, period?

Ummm...no....

My older brother has recently pointed out that I am bullheaded. To which my immediate reaction was to say, 'No, I'm not.' And obviously he's right, I am bullheaded or at least can be. As in what I say goes. Like when I say, I don't want to talk about it or I don't want to do it, he and my family knows that I'm not going to talk about it and I'm not going to do it (yep, even at 27 this brat side of me still comes out) no further discussion. I know I'm like this but now I know that this may hurt them, which is something I never want to do. I do like to think things through before speaking (usually!) and that means if I'm put on the spot about something, my initial reaction may be to shut down or defy it. They know it's not something that'll change in me overnight or ever all the way, but I want to alter it enough so as not to hurt them. It's not easy and sometimes, I feel like my family is a pain in the prying ass but what's more important, making an effort for my family or being stubborn for selfish reasons?

So few things annoy me more then someone saying to me, 'that's just how I am', I'm not gonna change. Like that's it. You're never gonna ever be different? You're not gonna even TRY? Smells like bullshit to me. Because if you're the exact same person you were five years ago, ten years ago time must've stood still for you. If I was the same person I was five or ten years ago, well, that'd be a whole other set problems in and of itself. So when someone says something that ridiculous, I want to be like, well no shit that's how you are...but do you think that makes everything you do ok?

Everyone makes mistakes. Has regrets. Everyone has said things they don't mean. If someone I care about doesn't like something I'm doing, I know it's less about me as a person and more about my actions, actions that can be changed. Sometimes people think they can't change who they are, but they confuse this with not wanting to. All it takes is time and trying. And if you're so above giving it time to work on it or trying a new perspective, then I would rather hear that.

Own up to it.

Just say you don't want to change for anyone. That you are above it. You're too scared. You're too lazy. Because at least there's the truth. Because at the basis of my annoyance with someone who makes the 'never gonna change' excuse is that that person is lying. They will change. When the time is right for them. When they do own up to it, their fears or reasons for not wanting to budge. Whatever it is that's holding them still. They lie because it's easier. Gives them more room to screw up. They are just fine. They forget no one is asking for perfection. They forgot what it's like to be and want more.

They forget what it feels like to try.

different strokes

My friend is addicted to Craigslist. She actually just refers to it as CL now because she is that much on the up and up as to what is going on in the CL realm. I'm actually not sure how this happened, her addiction, but one day I get a text from her asking me if I knew there were gay males on CL trying to come off as heteros. She asks me this as if I should be personally offended by what these strangers, gay or not, do.

She sends me CL 'highlights' , such as acronyms for body parts I didn't need to know about. Alerts me to when new pictures of penises are posted (or penii as she refers to them, as if they are a Latin verb, rather than c'mon let's face it...pornographic). I have known my friend for about three-ish years now and as far as I'm aware she is a straight, non-porn watching kind of gal and yet she remains uber-obsessed with this online phenomenon of men seeking men...or transsexuals...or whatever other categories she can find on there.

Today she texts me to say that she responded to one of these ads with her fake email. It was an ad from a straight man seeking a transsexual. She emailed him interest and when he responded asking her if she was one, she said, no I'm a psych professor (which isn't entirely untrue, she did major in psychology) and told him he needed help. After falling out of my chair laughing, I asked her why she felt compelled to do that. She is greatly concerned with what goes on behind closed doors apparently. I told her she can't rid the world of 'posers', that's what Craiglist is for. And maybe as CL abuser, she is the one who needs help.

I have seized my other words of wisdom to her, which have been, stop stalking people on Craigslist, quit worrying about the wonders of pseudo straight men who have fantasies that we not only can't understand but that normal people (like myself, not her obviously) shouldn't care about, and stop fucking texting me that shit!

I told her that she is the Unabomber of text, as if this will offend her. But if the visual of a stranger's ugly penis doesn't offend her and a gay man posing as a straight one does, then what is there left for me to do?

I hope she finds a new hobby soon.