You Know, That One Guy

Weren't you disappointed when during the last episode of Sex and the City we found out that Mr. Big's first name is John. Really? That's it? Not that John isn't a perfectly lovely name but all the mystery, intrigue, and sexiness that had fluttered around Mr. Big for six seasons had been reduced to one of the most common names in America. A similar incident happened to me recently when within seconds my cute, musically-inclined crush turned into another 20-something guy from the 913. Just like when Toto revealed that the Wizard of Oz wasn't a wizard but just some man from Iowa or somewhere. Talk about a let down.

There is something to be said for the unknown. By having crushes on people you've never met, you can stand confident wearing your rose-colored glasses. The perfect facade isn't shattered by the cynical judgment which usually follows after you've seen them dance, heard them laugh or had long awkward moments of silence when trying to talk to them. Is the reason why it's so easy to crush because when you actually really like someone, you have to try? With a crush I can send grade school handwritten notes. With someone I like, it's agony to find just the right words to use when sending a three sentence email. Then I have to worry, did my email sound too forward? I don't want to sound desperate. Will he respond? I psyche myself out over a three sentence email like it's a revelation to the meaning of life.

Before someone changes from a flirtatious crush to someone worthy of liking for the real deal, they usually get dubbed with a nickname. Without nicknames, your friends are going to ask, Travis? Who's Travis? And you'll have to say, you know that guy from three weeks ago that was talking to your high school classmate's boyfriend's neighbor. It helps your friends visiualize who you are talking about. Using descriptive words usually help the most, i.e. the guy wearing the red hat. That way whenever you want to talk about him but not explain who he is over and over, all you have to say is you know, Red Hat. Here, let's try it in a sentence.

Me: Don't look now but my crush just walked in the door.
Friend: Which one? Red Hat?

In the past the following nicknames have been used: Eye Candy, Iowa, Mr. Pottery Barn, DJ, OJ, Bartender, and several references of You Know, That One Guy. Of course, in our secret girl way of wanting to see a fairytale ending, we hope that You Know, That One Guy will turn into The Guy but until then, it's much easier to use the nicknames; that way if they ever become disposable, which they usually do, at least their names can be recycled. Now guys might not like this, the fact they have been reduced to a nickname usually not representative of who they are as a person but I say as long as the nickname isn't Jackass, Fuck Face or anything similar then they have nothing to worry about.

The crush is the best (if not the only) part of a potential relationship. Why personalize a crush if it's nothing more than that? When it's something fun to look at, talk about, why make it into something that it's not? Because before the reality of if a relationship can develop sets in, anything goes. Cynicism is kept at bay. Giddiness ensues. All bets are off because anonymity is noncommittal.

And with an outlook like that who needs names?

Cheers to the PALS of America!

Parents teach their children, if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all. I say, if you can't say something nice, say it to my face. I am a big girl and though I still get hurt feelings, they usually don't come from strangers who find a need to take out their aggression in a Jerry Springer-like manner. I am not a fan of the passive-aggressive behavior that stems from some people's muttered comments, rolled eyes or even worse, anonymous emails laced with grammatically incorrect profanity. If you're going to insult me, at least keep it simple and exclude the triple negative of 'you no good, don't knower are nothing'. I mean c'mon, knife to my chest with that insult.

Typically speaking this type of behavior can be showcased by PALS (passive-aggressive losers), dramatics who like to stir up trouble for no other reason then they must not get cable or know how to read because their time is spent creating fake MySpace pages and sending anonymous emails. Let me say ladies, there are much better ways to spend ten minutes. You can shop. Read a magazine. Attend an anger management seminar. Also inevitably, these acts of cattiness seem to involve a guy who has been caught in the middle of a very odd love triangle, a triangle arranged by PAL. Either the girl is a strange admirer, jealous of the fact that you are dating her wannabe boyfriend or better yet the girl is your boyfriend's girlfriend too. Got that? I believe the madness stems from the fact that PAL has been kept in the dark about her boy's extracurriculars or the fact that her object of infatuation has absolutely no idea who she is and when he said 'hi' to her the other day it did not create a connection. At least not in his mind.

The point of the matter is what is the point? Anonymous, semi-threatening emails or phone calls are good for a laugh but don't evoke fear or whatever other emotion that the sender is hoping for. So I'm thinking, is this just an acting out of frustration or an inherent need for drama because either way, like I said, ten minutes there is so much more you can do. The problem stems from a level of insecurity that either needs to be taken up with the guy who is involuntarily involved or just left alone. I say go for the latter.

However, I appreciate you PALS for creating entertainment during a boring week. You make for good gossip and pure amazement that can only be enjoyed after experiencing a real life example of idiocy and desperation that has been concocted by you. So here's to you, you passive-aggressive, hot-headed crazies of America. Fuck you. There I said it. And it didn't even take ten minutes.

Just Stick Out Your Chin and Grin and Say...

Every six months or so a huge raincloud rolls in and sets up camp right over my head. I don't know what kind of natural disaster or part of chaos theory can be attributed to this happening but it does. And every time it does, I whine, why me...again. The old saying goes, 'when it rains it pours' which seemed like a very old, useless proverb that meant nothing to me but now means, you will not feel a few droplets of shit on your head you will be submerged in it.

Sorry for the visual.

Bad days usually begin in the most innocent of ways. You get a flat tire. You spill coffee on your shirt. Someone cuts you off in traffic. Soon though this turns into your car not starting, your computer dying and tripping in the parking lot so that the coffee that splashes onto your outfit gets dotted with the gravel that you are currently laying in. This is a bad day. How do you get over something like this? It's not like a hangover that you can sleep off and miraculously see the world with clear vision again the next day. No, there are usually bigger things at the root of the problem(s) that have caused such disaster to wreck havoc on your daily life. Most of the time the problems stem from money, work, or relationships or if you are very lucky a combination of the three. It's times like this that I wish to become a hermit. I don't want to hear how things will turn around, how hard times build character or how things could be worse. Because things have not yet turned around, fuck character and thank you very much for saying how things can be worse because now I'm paranoid that those "worse" things are going to happen.

I don't like assuming the Eeyore persona and have yet to figure out why all bad things must happen at the exact same time, why I can't tackle one problem at a time and then it would seem more bearable and less like something that might push me to the point of an anxiety attack. Or better yet, could I have the answers to my problems revealed to me in a dream or perhaps on a winning lottery ticket? I dare to dream as this sort of thing just does not happen to people to like me.

People like me wake up and look in the mirror willing today to be the day that doesn't completely suck. Pep talking myself as I realize that it's about the thirteenth day in a row that I've worn my hair in a ponytail. I see that there is a small hole in my shirt and my pants are wrinkled but I don't have time nor do I want to change my outfit. But then I make it to work with a full cup of coffee. My car maintains four aired-up tires. I don't trip. I am hesitant to let any sunshine peek through my raincloud so I don't look into these small occurrences as a promise of the inevitable turnaround. But slowly there does seem to be some answers to my problems and the big, obvious realization that life isn't perfect, something I already knew and have had to learn over and over again, is staring me in the face. The perspective shifts slightly and I'm out from under that raincloud, I figure you can only control so much and everything else will have to work itself out.

Life sucks. Shit happens. Get over it.

Let the Games Begin

Giving your number to a guy isn't as exciting as it once was for various reasons. One of those reasons being that technology has advanced and now a guy can just give you his cell phone, have you put your number in it, and then immediately call you to verify that you haven't given a fake number. Also, sometimes giving a number to a guy is like giving a bone to a whining dog. You want the whining to stop or for them to wag their tail elsewhere, so you give the number as a sort of surrender. Probably the most disturbing reason for the dwindling excitement is because they use your number sporadically. By sporadically I mean they call you once right away and then you don't hear from them until weeks later. The span between calls is so long that you forget why you were interested in them in the first place and in some extreme cases, you forget their name.

I have consulted a few sources and have been advised that this rudeness is due to a guy 'laying the groundwork' but being unable, for whatever reason, to close the deal. So this should be a problem of theirs, not ours, right? Should be, but isn't. Because it's our nature to respond when really we should ignore our phones and ignore the curiousity that inevitably may not kill the cat but, will kill our spirit. The thing is that most of the time we realize that the problem is them, 'them' being guys that can't figure out what they want and decide to merry-go-round us with their lameness, but we allow it. We don't want to take ourselves out of the game too soon.

One of my favorite movies has one of the main characters talking about dating as forced intimacy and how even if you're not initially interested in someone, you could become interested, especially if that person becomes disinterested. With this kind of confusion, how are we supposed to know that when a guy says, "Do you want to go to a baseball game Thursday?" this may not mean that you will be going to a game, much less going anywhere at all. And in typical fashion when this temporary boy amnesia is followed up three days later with his lame, "How's life?" text, this just makes you roll your eyes and think for the love, don't text me now, you pathetic loser. But most of the time it's not the guy that has to make the excuse of why he flaked because we are running scenarios through our minds with all (improbable) possibilites of why he didn't follow up. He broke his arm. He lost his phone. He thought you knew he meant next Thursday. All excuses which can be filed under: bullshit.

This push and pull from guys is exhausting and unnecessary. They, as I've said before, complicate very simple situations. It's easy. If you like a girl, call her, ask her out and go out. That's it. Three simple steps and yet many seem to get tripped up on step one. Why lay the groundwork for something you have no intention of building upon? If you are a fan of the flirtatious banter that leads up to the inital date, hook-up, whatever you want this relationship to be, you need to have the goods to back it up. Otherwise, leave it alone.

In the meantime, if the guy is wanting to make it a game, I think it's time they work a little harder. Because anyone can get a number, anyone can call once. So I've decided, say your name is Travis and you call me once, I will save your number in my phone as 'Travis (OUT)'. This will change to 'Travis (IN)' once something resembling effort is involved. Until then I'm not answering the phone. I'm not responding to the rhetorical 'what's up' text. You don't need to know what's up. You need to know how to do something else then lay the groundwork and actually just do work.

Better roll up the sleeves. The game is just starting.