My grandma used to think she was going to win the Publisher's Clearinghouse. Everytime I went to her house she would have the forms piled up ready for me to fill out and send, in the hopes that Ed McMahon would arrive at her door with a big check and multi-colored balloons. I feel that I take after my grandma. I too have a feeling that any day my ship is going to come in, that I am going to win the Powerball or that my long lost great-great-great relative will reveal that I am actually the next in line to be the ruler of some foreign country. However, it has come to my attention via my older brother that this is unlikely. This harsh reality mixed with the fact that I am not money savvy leads me to entertain the thought that maybe I should quit relying on the non-existent fact that I am seconds away from a becoming a bazillionaire and accept that any money I do have should be used toward things like new tires or dentist bills.
The fact that I'm not good with money, except for the art of spending it, isn't new information. I never kept money in a piggy bank. I felt nickels and dimes were much more fun jingling in my pocket then in a ceramic pig. I pay for Taco Bell with quarters on a regular basis and the last time my mom saw the insides of my refrigerator, which contained a tub of butter, eggs, and a Brita pitcher, I thought she was going to cry. I realize that it's nice to have a plan for the future, for retirement, for the fact that one day I may have someone other than myself to think about; however, none of that is happening right now. It's hard for me to wrap my head around where I'm going to be in ten or twenty years when I don't even know where I'll be next week. It's confusing really when everyone is assuring me that by being in my 20's that I'm considered young, yet I'm feeling the push to hurry and become responsible, settled and financially sound. I mean do I have to have it figured out right this minute? What if Ed McMahon is pulling up in the parking lot as we speak?
There are some people who if they were down to their last ten dollars they would save it, fill up their tank with gas or buy ten dollars worth of groceries. If I was down to my last ten dollars (and I have been many times) I would grab a drink, go to a movie, buy myself a milkshake. Because the truth is, I can be poor and miserable or be poor and happy and if I die tomorrow you know I'll be thankful I bought that milkshake and not a freaking loaf of bread. I know most people think this is a naive way of thinking, that of course they too would want to spend their money on impractical, instantly gratifying things but what about bills, groceries, rent? What about them? They don't go away because I stay in every weekend or eat the same thing for a week. I've already tested that theory.
Granted there is something to be said for saving and building good credit. I do want to have a house, a zero balance on my Visa and a nest egg and I'm sure I'll have that. Some day. But why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? I can hear the scoffs, the groans, all the lectures now but can I tell you a secret? Not to be a complete brat but, it's my life. My choices. My mistakes. I'm not going to start a 401k to appease my brother. I'm not going to stop ordering milkshakes. I think by this age you are expected to have a budget, savings plan and a credit card to be used in case of emergency only. I have none of the above. I see the timeline of events and I feel that I got tripped up and I'm still trying to find my footing.
So maybe I'm financially behind for my age group. Maybe I'm not going to win the lottery. And maybe my tombstone isn't going to read 'Here Lies a Money Saver'. But here's the thing, I don't have to map out my financial future and turn it in for review. Money won't ever be on my list of achievements or on a list of my failures for that matter. I don't believe in an in case of emergency plan so don't hold your breath that I'm going to figure this out today. That is what tomorrow is for. And if tomorrow never comes, well then, none of this will even matter.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
You Know, That One Guy
Weren't you disappointed when during the last episode of Sex and the City we found out that Mr. Big's first name is John. Really? That's it? Not that John isn't a perfectly lovely name but all the mystery, intrigue, and sexiness that had fluttered around Mr. Big for six seasons had been reduced to one of the most common names in America. A similar incident happened to me recently when within seconds my cute, musically-inclined crush turned into another 20-something guy from the 913. Just like when Toto revealed that the Wizard of Oz wasn't a wizard but just some man from Iowa or somewhere. Talk about a let down.
There is something to be said for the unknown. By having crushes on people you've never met, you can stand confident wearing your rose-colored glasses. The perfect facade isn't shattered by the cynical judgment which usually follows after you've seen them dance, heard them laugh or had long awkward moments of silence when trying to talk to them. Is the reason why it's so easy to crush because when you actually really like someone, you have to try? With a crush I can send grade school handwritten notes. With someone I like, it's agony to find just the right words to use when sending a three sentence email. Then I have to worry, did my email sound too forward? I don't want to sound desperate. Will he respond? I psyche myself out over a three sentence email like it's a revelation to the meaning of life.
Before someone changes from a flirtatious crush to someone worthy of liking for the real deal, they usually get dubbed with a nickname. Without nicknames, your friends are going to ask, Travis? Who's Travis? And you'll have to say, you know that guy from three weeks ago that was talking to your high school classmate's boyfriend's neighbor. It helps your friends visiualize who you are talking about. Using descriptive words usually help the most, i.e. the guy wearing the red hat. That way whenever you want to talk about him but not explain who he is over and over, all you have to say is you know, Red Hat. Here, let's try it in a sentence.
Me: Don't look now but my crush just walked in the door.
Friend: Which one? Red Hat?
In the past the following nicknames have been used: Eye Candy, Iowa, Mr. Pottery Barn, DJ, OJ, Bartender, and several references of You Know, That One Guy. Of course, in our secret girl way of wanting to see a fairytale ending, we hope that You Know, That One Guy will turn into The Guy but until then, it's much easier to use the nicknames; that way if they ever become disposable, which they usually do, at least their names can be recycled. Now guys might not like this, the fact they have been reduced to a nickname usually not representative of who they are as a person but I say as long as the nickname isn't Jackass, Fuck Face or anything similar then they have nothing to worry about.
The crush is the best (if not the only) part of a potential relationship. Why personalize a crush if it's nothing more than that? When it's something fun to look at, talk about, why make it into something that it's not? Because before the reality of if a relationship can develop sets in, anything goes. Cynicism is kept at bay. Giddiness ensues. All bets are off because anonymity is noncommittal.
And with an outlook like that who needs names?
There is something to be said for the unknown. By having crushes on people you've never met, you can stand confident wearing your rose-colored glasses. The perfect facade isn't shattered by the cynical judgment which usually follows after you've seen them dance, heard them laugh or had long awkward moments of silence when trying to talk to them. Is the reason why it's so easy to crush because when you actually really like someone, you have to try? With a crush I can send grade school handwritten notes. With someone I like, it's agony to find just the right words to use when sending a three sentence email. Then I have to worry, did my email sound too forward? I don't want to sound desperate. Will he respond? I psyche myself out over a three sentence email like it's a revelation to the meaning of life.
Before someone changes from a flirtatious crush to someone worthy of liking for the real deal, they usually get dubbed with a nickname. Without nicknames, your friends are going to ask, Travis? Who's Travis? And you'll have to say, you know that guy from three weeks ago that was talking to your high school classmate's boyfriend's neighbor. It helps your friends visiualize who you are talking about. Using descriptive words usually help the most, i.e. the guy wearing the red hat. That way whenever you want to talk about him but not explain who he is over and over, all you have to say is you know, Red Hat. Here, let's try it in a sentence.
Me: Don't look now but my crush just walked in the door.
Friend: Which one? Red Hat?
In the past the following nicknames have been used: Eye Candy, Iowa, Mr. Pottery Barn, DJ, OJ, Bartender, and several references of You Know, That One Guy. Of course, in our secret girl way of wanting to see a fairytale ending, we hope that You Know, That One Guy will turn into The Guy but until then, it's much easier to use the nicknames; that way if they ever become disposable, which they usually do, at least their names can be recycled. Now guys might not like this, the fact they have been reduced to a nickname usually not representative of who they are as a person but I say as long as the nickname isn't Jackass, Fuck Face or anything similar then they have nothing to worry about.
The crush is the best (if not the only) part of a potential relationship. Why personalize a crush if it's nothing more than that? When it's something fun to look at, talk about, why make it into something that it's not? Because before the reality of if a relationship can develop sets in, anything goes. Cynicism is kept at bay. Giddiness ensues. All bets are off because anonymity is noncommittal.
And with an outlook like that who needs names?
Monday, August 20, 2007
Cheers to the PALS of America!
Parents teach their children, if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all. I say, if you can't say something nice, say it to my face. I am a big girl and though I still get hurt feelings, they usually don't come from strangers who find a need to take out their aggression in a Jerry Springer-like manner. I am not a fan of the passive-aggressive behavior that stems from some people's muttered comments, rolled eyes or even worse, anonymous emails laced with grammatically incorrect profanity. If you're going to insult me, at least keep it simple and exclude the triple negative of 'you no good, don't knower are nothing'. I mean c'mon, knife to my chest with that insult.
Typically speaking this type of behavior can be showcased by PALS (passive-aggressive losers), dramatics who like to stir up trouble for no other reason then they must not get cable or know how to read because their time is spent creating fake MySpace pages and sending anonymous emails. Let me say ladies, there are much better ways to spend ten minutes. You can shop. Read a magazine. Attend an anger management seminar. Also inevitably, these acts of cattiness seem to involve a guy who has been caught in the middle of a very odd love triangle, a triangle arranged by PAL. Either the girl is a strange admirer, jealous of the fact that you are dating her wannabe boyfriend or better yet the girl is your boyfriend's girlfriend too. Got that? I believe the madness stems from the fact that PAL has been kept in the dark about her boy's extracurriculars or the fact that her object of infatuation has absolutely no idea who she is and when he said 'hi' to her the other day it did not create a connection. At least not in his mind.
The point of the matter is what is the point? Anonymous, semi-threatening emails or phone calls are good for a laugh but don't evoke fear or whatever other emotion that the sender is hoping for. So I'm thinking, is this just an acting out of frustration or an inherent need for drama because either way, like I said, ten minutes there is so much more you can do. The problem stems from a level of insecurity that either needs to be taken up with the guy who is involuntarily involved or just left alone. I say go for the latter.
However, I appreciate you PALS for creating entertainment during a boring week. You make for good gossip and pure amazement that can only be enjoyed after experiencing a real life example of idiocy and desperation that has been concocted by you. So here's to you, you passive-aggressive, hot-headed crazies of America. Fuck you. There I said it. And it didn't even take ten minutes.
Typically speaking this type of behavior can be showcased by PALS (passive-aggressive losers), dramatics who like to stir up trouble for no other reason then they must not get cable or know how to read because their time is spent creating fake MySpace pages and sending anonymous emails. Let me say ladies, there are much better ways to spend ten minutes. You can shop. Read a magazine. Attend an anger management seminar. Also inevitably, these acts of cattiness seem to involve a guy who has been caught in the middle of a very odd love triangle, a triangle arranged by PAL. Either the girl is a strange admirer, jealous of the fact that you are dating her wannabe boyfriend or better yet the girl is your boyfriend's girlfriend too. Got that? I believe the madness stems from the fact that PAL has been kept in the dark about her boy's extracurriculars or the fact that her object of infatuation has absolutely no idea who she is and when he said 'hi' to her the other day it did not create a connection. At least not in his mind.
The point of the matter is what is the point? Anonymous, semi-threatening emails or phone calls are good for a laugh but don't evoke fear or whatever other emotion that the sender is hoping for. So I'm thinking, is this just an acting out of frustration or an inherent need for drama because either way, like I said, ten minutes there is so much more you can do. The problem stems from a level of insecurity that either needs to be taken up with the guy who is involuntarily involved or just left alone. I say go for the latter.
However, I appreciate you PALS for creating entertainment during a boring week. You make for good gossip and pure amazement that can only be enjoyed after experiencing a real life example of idiocy and desperation that has been concocted by you. So here's to you, you passive-aggressive, hot-headed crazies of America. Fuck you. There I said it. And it didn't even take ten minutes.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Just Stick Out Your Chin and Grin and Say...
Every six months or so a huge raincloud rolls in and sets up camp right over my head. I don't know what kind of natural disaster or part of chaos theory can be attributed to this happening but it does. And every time it does, I whine, why me...again. The old saying goes, 'when it rains it pours' which seemed like a very old, useless proverb that meant nothing to me but now means, you will not feel a few droplets of shit on your head you will be submerged in it.
Sorry for the visual.
Bad days usually begin in the most innocent of ways. You get a flat tire. You spill coffee on your shirt. Someone cuts you off in traffic. Soon though this turns into your car not starting, your computer dying and tripping in the parking lot so that the coffee that splashes onto your outfit gets dotted with the gravel that you are currently laying in. This is a bad day. How do you get over something like this? It's not like a hangover that you can sleep off and miraculously see the world with clear vision again the next day. No, there are usually bigger things at the root of the problem(s) that have caused such disaster to wreck havoc on your daily life. Most of the time the problems stem from money, work, or relationships or if you are very lucky a combination of the three. It's times like this that I wish to become a hermit. I don't want to hear how things will turn around, how hard times build character or how things could be worse. Because things have not yet turned around, fuck character and thank you very much for saying how things can be worse because now I'm paranoid that those "worse" things are going to happen.
I don't like assuming the Eeyore persona and have yet to figure out why all bad things must happen at the exact same time, why I can't tackle one problem at a time and then it would seem more bearable and less like something that might push me to the point of an anxiety attack. Or better yet, could I have the answers to my problems revealed to me in a dream or perhaps on a winning lottery ticket? I dare to dream as this sort of thing just does not happen to people to like me.
People like me wake up and look in the mirror willing today to be the day that doesn't completely suck. Pep talking myself as I realize that it's about the thirteenth day in a row that I've worn my hair in a ponytail. I see that there is a small hole in my shirt and my pants are wrinkled but I don't have time nor do I want to change my outfit. But then I make it to work with a full cup of coffee. My car maintains four aired-up tires. I don't trip. I am hesitant to let any sunshine peek through my raincloud so I don't look into these small occurrences as a promise of the inevitable turnaround. But slowly there does seem to be some answers to my problems and the big, obvious realization that life isn't perfect, something I already knew and have had to learn over and over again, is staring me in the face. The perspective shifts slightly and I'm out from under that raincloud, I figure you can only control so much and everything else will have to work itself out.
Life sucks. Shit happens. Get over it.
Sorry for the visual.
Bad days usually begin in the most innocent of ways. You get a flat tire. You spill coffee on your shirt. Someone cuts you off in traffic. Soon though this turns into your car not starting, your computer dying and tripping in the parking lot so that the coffee that splashes onto your outfit gets dotted with the gravel that you are currently laying in. This is a bad day. How do you get over something like this? It's not like a hangover that you can sleep off and miraculously see the world with clear vision again the next day. No, there are usually bigger things at the root of the problem(s) that have caused such disaster to wreck havoc on your daily life. Most of the time the problems stem from money, work, or relationships or if you are very lucky a combination of the three. It's times like this that I wish to become a hermit. I don't want to hear how things will turn around, how hard times build character or how things could be worse. Because things have not yet turned around, fuck character and thank you very much for saying how things can be worse because now I'm paranoid that those "worse" things are going to happen.
I don't like assuming the Eeyore persona and have yet to figure out why all bad things must happen at the exact same time, why I can't tackle one problem at a time and then it would seem more bearable and less like something that might push me to the point of an anxiety attack. Or better yet, could I have the answers to my problems revealed to me in a dream or perhaps on a winning lottery ticket? I dare to dream as this sort of thing just does not happen to people to like me.
People like me wake up and look in the mirror willing today to be the day that doesn't completely suck. Pep talking myself as I realize that it's about the thirteenth day in a row that I've worn my hair in a ponytail. I see that there is a small hole in my shirt and my pants are wrinkled but I don't have time nor do I want to change my outfit. But then I make it to work with a full cup of coffee. My car maintains four aired-up tires. I don't trip. I am hesitant to let any sunshine peek through my raincloud so I don't look into these small occurrences as a promise of the inevitable turnaround. But slowly there does seem to be some answers to my problems and the big, obvious realization that life isn't perfect, something I already knew and have had to learn over and over again, is staring me in the face. The perspective shifts slightly and I'm out from under that raincloud, I figure you can only control so much and everything else will have to work itself out.
Life sucks. Shit happens. Get over it.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Let the Games Begin
Giving your number to a guy isn't as exciting as it once was for various reasons. One of those reasons being that technology has advanced and now a guy can just give you his cell phone, have you put your number in it, and then immediately call you to verify that you haven't given a fake number. Also, sometimes giving a number to a guy is like giving a bone to a whining dog. You want the whining to stop or for them to wag their tail elsewhere, so you give the number as a sort of surrender. Probably the most disturbing reason for the dwindling excitement is because they use your number sporadically. By sporadically I mean they call you once right away and then you don't hear from them until weeks later. The span between calls is so long that you forget why you were interested in them in the first place and in some extreme cases, you forget their name.
I have consulted a few sources and have been advised that this rudeness is due to a guy 'laying the groundwork' but being unable, for whatever reason, to close the deal. So this should be a problem of theirs, not ours, right? Should be, but isn't. Because it's our nature to respond when really we should ignore our phones and ignore the curiousity that inevitably may not kill the cat but, will kill our spirit. The thing is that most of the time we realize that the problem is them, 'them' being guys that can't figure out what they want and decide to merry-go-round us with their lameness, but we allow it. We don't want to take ourselves out of the game too soon.
One of my favorite movies has one of the main characters talking about dating as forced intimacy and how even if you're not initially interested in someone, you could become interested, especially if that person becomes disinterested. With this kind of confusion, how are we supposed to know that when a guy says, "Do you want to go to a baseball game Thursday?" this may not mean that you will be going to a game, much less going anywhere at all. And in typical fashion when this temporary boy amnesia is followed up three days later with his lame, "How's life?" text, this just makes you roll your eyes and think for the love, don't text me now, you pathetic loser. But most of the time it's not the guy that has to make the excuse of why he flaked because we are running scenarios through our minds with all (improbable) possibilites of why he didn't follow up. He broke his arm. He lost his phone. He thought you knew he meant next Thursday. All excuses which can be filed under: bullshit.
This push and pull from guys is exhausting and unnecessary. They, as I've said before, complicate very simple situations. It's easy. If you like a girl, call her, ask her out and go out. That's it. Three simple steps and yet many seem to get tripped up on step one. Why lay the groundwork for something you have no intention of building upon? If you are a fan of the flirtatious banter that leads up to the inital date, hook-up, whatever you want this relationship to be, you need to have the goods to back it up. Otherwise, leave it alone.
In the meantime, if the guy is wanting to make it a game, I think it's time they work a little harder. Because anyone can get a number, anyone can call once. So I've decided, say your name is Travis and you call me once, I will save your number in my phone as 'Travis (OUT)'. This will change to 'Travis (IN)' once something resembling effort is involved. Until then I'm not answering the phone. I'm not responding to the rhetorical 'what's up' text. You don't need to know what's up. You need to know how to do something else then lay the groundwork and actually just do work.
Better roll up the sleeves. The game is just starting.
I have consulted a few sources and have been advised that this rudeness is due to a guy 'laying the groundwork' but being unable, for whatever reason, to close the deal. So this should be a problem of theirs, not ours, right? Should be, but isn't. Because it's our nature to respond when really we should ignore our phones and ignore the curiousity that inevitably may not kill the cat but, will kill our spirit. The thing is that most of the time we realize that the problem is them, 'them' being guys that can't figure out what they want and decide to merry-go-round us with their lameness, but we allow it. We don't want to take ourselves out of the game too soon.
One of my favorite movies has one of the main characters talking about dating as forced intimacy and how even if you're not initially interested in someone, you could become interested, especially if that person becomes disinterested. With this kind of confusion, how are we supposed to know that when a guy says, "Do you want to go to a baseball game Thursday?" this may not mean that you will be going to a game, much less going anywhere at all. And in typical fashion when this temporary boy amnesia is followed up three days later with his lame, "How's life?" text, this just makes you roll your eyes and think for the love, don't text me now, you pathetic loser. But most of the time it's not the guy that has to make the excuse of why he flaked because we are running scenarios through our minds with all (improbable) possibilites of why he didn't follow up. He broke his arm. He lost his phone. He thought you knew he meant next Thursday. All excuses which can be filed under: bullshit.
This push and pull from guys is exhausting and unnecessary. They, as I've said before, complicate very simple situations. It's easy. If you like a girl, call her, ask her out and go out. That's it. Three simple steps and yet many seem to get tripped up on step one. Why lay the groundwork for something you have no intention of building upon? If you are a fan of the flirtatious banter that leads up to the inital date, hook-up, whatever you want this relationship to be, you need to have the goods to back it up. Otherwise, leave it alone.
In the meantime, if the guy is wanting to make it a game, I think it's time they work a little harder. Because anyone can get a number, anyone can call once. So I've decided, say your name is Travis and you call me once, I will save your number in my phone as 'Travis (OUT)'. This will change to 'Travis (IN)' once something resembling effort is involved. Until then I'm not answering the phone. I'm not responding to the rhetorical 'what's up' text. You don't need to know what's up. You need to know how to do something else then lay the groundwork and actually just do work.
Better roll up the sleeves. The game is just starting.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Survey Says
Everyone has their own version of the 'perfect guy'. Most lists have the standard: good looks, sense of humor, intelligence. And, then some lists also include things such as strong family values, fun personality, and good shoes. Ok, maybe that last one is just on mine. Most of the time though if we find a guy that has just one of these characteristics we jump the gun and think maybe, could it be, that we have found the perfect guy! And the list goes right out the window. We zero in, not thinking through the other choices we might have, only because we so desperately want this guy right now to be the right one. Why do we do this? It's because we have the Family Feud mentality.
You know how on Family Feud the host will pose a question like, "Name an animal that begins with the letter 'C' and some fool will respond with, "Caribou!" and that person's family will hesitate for a second before erupting with enthusiastic applause and cheers of "good answer!" when you, the home viewer, are thinking just like everyone else, um, that's not a good answer. Cow is a good answer. Cat. Caribou? What the hell?
The host yells out, "Show me caribou!" and the response is a loud buzzer and a big red 'X' that signifies that the given answer is not only not on the list but that the person who gave the answer is an idiot. But the thing is, it was that person's turn, their choice, their mistake to make, that's how the game is played. The family will groan sympathetically, supportive to the person guessing and will keep cheering knowing that their next answer will be better. I mean anything has to be better than caribou.
This is the Family Feud mentality. This way of thinking, this confidence in decision-making, hopeful, full-steam ahead, screw what you think because I got it right this time feeling has caused females across the nation to cross paths with the following motley crew of males:
10. Ego-booster guy: You're not really interested in him. You didn't even notice him until he started telling you how beautiful you are, how he'd like to take you out and when he does shows up with flowers and holds the door open. He's bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, nice, polite, calls when he says he will but in the back of your mind you think, he's not that cute. He could even borderline ugly. And there are such lulls in the conversation that at certain points you swear you hear crickets or snippets of other people's conversations which are far better than the one you are participating in. But the boy sure knows how to give a compliment. Somehow these guys usually show up when you're having a fat day or during a wedding reception.
9. I-can't-see-straight-because-I'm-drunk guy: The guy you've hooked up with only due to high levels of intoxication. If you are fortunate you will not have to see this guy again because hopefully you were smart and did not spend the night. You probably either puked or cried in front of him and if you did stay the night, you wake up with mascara smeared under your eyes, a bad case of cotton mouth, and recoil at the first spot of daylight. You look over. He is passed out, drooling, one hand down his pants. You hope to never see him again. He's not ugly. At least he wasn't the night before.
8. White Picket Fence guy: He's smart, kind, and is as loyal as a Golden Retriever. He has the kind of looks that you find in a Ralph Lauren sailing ad. You know that he wants 2.5 children, a manicured lawn and a country club membership. He is the modern day equivalent to Prince Charming. But after awhile he looks a little too vanilla. His demeanor a tad too pure. Also, you think he might have his mom on speed dial. Plus, don't you think it's the pure ones that usually end up wanting to wear your underwear?
7. Take One For the Team guy: If you're lucky this guy is at least cute and can hold your attention as you're supposed to distract him while your friend flirts with his friend. Hopefully by the end of the night she will have locked it up so that you won't have to go into overtime because he's actually kind of getting on your nerves. Guys think they are the only ones who have wingmen. I beg to differ.
6. Older guy: This guy has his act together. He wines and dines you and knows what he wants. He's romantic without being corny, sweet without being sappy. Witty without being pretentious. However, he begins to refer to you and he as 'we' as in, "We are going to look at houses next weekend. We are planning to fly to Wisconsin to see my parents for the holiday." You've been dating for three weeks. You're not sure you even know his last name. In this scenario, don't answer his calls and pretend that you have moved. Or better yet don't pretend, just move.
5. In Theory guy: This is a guy that you have been friends with for awhile and get along with so well that you think that in theory you should be a perfect match. You have the same taste in music and can have four hour conversations about absolutely nothing. You finish each other's sentences. You go together like peas and carrots. You find this to be less true when you learn that he is a follower of the jackrabbit sex method. This is bad.
4. The "Yes" guy: Is he good-looking, charming, sweet? Yes, yes and yes. Do most of your conversations end with him apologizing and/or explaining himself? Yes. Does he already have a girlfriend that you didn't know about? Yes. Has she called you herself to tell you this? Quite possibly, yes.
3. I Told You So guy: This could be the same as Yes guy except that you already sensed that he probably had a girlfriend. You already knew that going into this you weren't looking for a serious relationship, you were looking for a project. You wanted to be the person that proved everyone wrong and could show what a sweet, misunderstood, decent guy he is. He's not. It's not your friends saying I told you so. It's you saying it to yourself.
2. Recovery guy: Don't confuse him with a rebound guy. Recovery guy is there to help you recover from the last guy you were with. He's not there to rebound you back into relationship mode. He is there mostly for decoration so that just by looking at him it makes you feel better.
1. Perfect guy: This guy didn't make the survey...
Yet.
Yes, I said it. I do think the perfect guy is out there because someone's caribou could be your cow and vice-versa. We may not get it right the first time. Or the tenth. It may not be the most popular choice but even if it's the wrong one we can continue clapping with all the enthusiasm we had at the beginning because win or lose each turn we have we still get to believe that this time, we got it right. That this was the time we finally, truly have a good answer. There are no takebacks. That's how the game is played. Go big or go home. There's no other way.
You know how on Family Feud the host will pose a question like, "Name an animal that begins with the letter 'C' and some fool will respond with, "Caribou!" and that person's family will hesitate for a second before erupting with enthusiastic applause and cheers of "good answer!" when you, the home viewer, are thinking just like everyone else, um, that's not a good answer. Cow is a good answer. Cat. Caribou? What the hell?
The host yells out, "Show me caribou!" and the response is a loud buzzer and a big red 'X' that signifies that the given answer is not only not on the list but that the person who gave the answer is an idiot. But the thing is, it was that person's turn, their choice, their mistake to make, that's how the game is played. The family will groan sympathetically, supportive to the person guessing and will keep cheering knowing that their next answer will be better. I mean anything has to be better than caribou.
This is the Family Feud mentality. This way of thinking, this confidence in decision-making, hopeful, full-steam ahead, screw what you think because I got it right this time feeling has caused females across the nation to cross paths with the following motley crew of males:
10. Ego-booster guy: You're not really interested in him. You didn't even notice him until he started telling you how beautiful you are, how he'd like to take you out and when he does shows up with flowers and holds the door open. He's bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, nice, polite, calls when he says he will but in the back of your mind you think, he's not that cute. He could even borderline ugly. And there are such lulls in the conversation that at certain points you swear you hear crickets or snippets of other people's conversations which are far better than the one you are participating in. But the boy sure knows how to give a compliment. Somehow these guys usually show up when you're having a fat day or during a wedding reception.
9. I-can't-see-straight-because-I'm-drunk guy: The guy you've hooked up with only due to high levels of intoxication. If you are fortunate you will not have to see this guy again because hopefully you were smart and did not spend the night. You probably either puked or cried in front of him and if you did stay the night, you wake up with mascara smeared under your eyes, a bad case of cotton mouth, and recoil at the first spot of daylight. You look over. He is passed out, drooling, one hand down his pants. You hope to never see him again. He's not ugly. At least he wasn't the night before.
8. White Picket Fence guy: He's smart, kind, and is as loyal as a Golden Retriever. He has the kind of looks that you find in a Ralph Lauren sailing ad. You know that he wants 2.5 children, a manicured lawn and a country club membership. He is the modern day equivalent to Prince Charming. But after awhile he looks a little too vanilla. His demeanor a tad too pure. Also, you think he might have his mom on speed dial. Plus, don't you think it's the pure ones that usually end up wanting to wear your underwear?
7. Take One For the Team guy: If you're lucky this guy is at least cute and can hold your attention as you're supposed to distract him while your friend flirts with his friend. Hopefully by the end of the night she will have locked it up so that you won't have to go into overtime because he's actually kind of getting on your nerves. Guys think they are the only ones who have wingmen. I beg to differ.
6. Older guy: This guy has his act together. He wines and dines you and knows what he wants. He's romantic without being corny, sweet without being sappy. Witty without being pretentious. However, he begins to refer to you and he as 'we' as in, "We are going to look at houses next weekend. We are planning to fly to Wisconsin to see my parents for the holiday." You've been dating for three weeks. You're not sure you even know his last name. In this scenario, don't answer his calls and pretend that you have moved. Or better yet don't pretend, just move.
5. In Theory guy: This is a guy that you have been friends with for awhile and get along with so well that you think that in theory you should be a perfect match. You have the same taste in music and can have four hour conversations about absolutely nothing. You finish each other's sentences. You go together like peas and carrots. You find this to be less true when you learn that he is a follower of the jackrabbit sex method. This is bad.
4. The "Yes" guy: Is he good-looking, charming, sweet? Yes, yes and yes. Do most of your conversations end with him apologizing and/or explaining himself? Yes. Does he already have a girlfriend that you didn't know about? Yes. Has she called you herself to tell you this? Quite possibly, yes.
3. I Told You So guy: This could be the same as Yes guy except that you already sensed that he probably had a girlfriend. You already knew that going into this you weren't looking for a serious relationship, you were looking for a project. You wanted to be the person that proved everyone wrong and could show what a sweet, misunderstood, decent guy he is. He's not. It's not your friends saying I told you so. It's you saying it to yourself.
2. Recovery guy: Don't confuse him with a rebound guy. Recovery guy is there to help you recover from the last guy you were with. He's not there to rebound you back into relationship mode. He is there mostly for decoration so that just by looking at him it makes you feel better.
1. Perfect guy: This guy didn't make the survey...
Yet.
Yes, I said it. I do think the perfect guy is out there because someone's caribou could be your cow and vice-versa. We may not get it right the first time. Or the tenth. It may not be the most popular choice but even if it's the wrong one we can continue clapping with all the enthusiasm we had at the beginning because win or lose each turn we have we still get to believe that this time, we got it right. That this was the time we finally, truly have a good answer. There are no takebacks. That's how the game is played. Go big or go home. There's no other way.
You're Nobody Until I Say Otherwise
Did you know that at this very moment you could have someone out there who thinks you are their girlfriend, but you're not? It could be someone you went on a couple of dates with or someone you hung out with on a Friday night. You could be part of a couple and not know. Don't believe me? Well, once upon a time Girl met Guy and there was a mutual attraction. Girl and Guy hung out a total of two times before Guy took it upon himself to call Girl and dump her. Was she heartbroken? Devastated? No. She was confused. How did this happen? How did she get dumped by someone that wasn't her boyfriend? You always hear about guys jumping the gun by ending things before they get too involved or hurt, but isn't this a little bit ridiculous?
Story doesn't stop here. Weeks later Guy is at the same bar as Girl and corners her to discuss their 'relationship'. And, this is where my intervention becomes necessary. Drunken and perturbed I hobble up to them and tell Guy that I hurt my foot and currently my shoe is filling up with blood. I need Girl to come with me immediately. I am wearing flip flops. I hope Guy receives this blatant message. No harm no foul. Probably one of the easiest breakups in history.
We should look at this as an urban myth, an isolated incident from a guy who is confused. But this really does happen. Gone are the days when girls are asked to 'go steady' and on to the future where assumption equals exclusive relationship. Say you're friends with a guy and start hanging out, hooking up, and can do things like play miniature golf and cook dinner together when to you it seems casual and to him it seems domestic and couple-y. I see it now as a movie split screen where girl is participating in these events with thoughts of where her next margarita will come from and guy has a cartoon balloon over his head filled with hearts. Does this not seem backwards? Isn't it the girl who's always portrayed as assuming commitment too early? Next thing you know the 'L' word is dropped out of nowhere, on the phone and you think, do I have a bad connection? Was that a 'love ya' in the casual, friendly context? Sadly no, it was a distinct 'I love you.' Oh no. My connection is bad...static...can't hear you....What else can you do in a situation like that? It temporarily stuns you because you didn't even think you were a couple, apparantly he did. Awk-ward. So you'll learn for next time, right?
Wrong.
Fast forward to adult man and when I say adult, I'm talking about hefty career aspirations, ability to purchase real estate, and ultimately discussion of coupledom far too fast and furious. It is this man you should be wary of if you begin dating him near the holidays. He wants you to meet his family, share a Christmas goose, look at houses with him. Wait, what? You have been dating a total of two weeks and you wanted a guy who could commit...eventually. You nod politely and tell him that you would love to meet his family but you are allergic to goose and your own family is expecting you for the holiday. He, being the mature 30-something he is, smiles and assures you that he understands but his sister is having a party next weekend and maybe you can at least meet her then. Because she wants to meet you. His girlfriend. If this was a movie this is where the music would come to a screeching halt because you barely know this guy. Although you have had some fun dates, long conversations, whatever happened to slow and steady wins the race? So the last phone call goes unreturned. And the one after that and the one after that. Immature? Of course. But maybe he will just chalk it up to the difference in age.
I think for a relationship to be considered coupledom that both parties must not only be privy to this next step but agree upon it. There doesn't have to be a signed document, but a clarification, a discussion would be nice. Otherwise, then the guy thinks you are an insensitive, commitment-phobic tramp and you are left wondering how did you not know that you had been cast for the role of girlfriend. I guess there is fine line between the time someone turns from a nobody into a somebody. Sometimes you are dragged across it. Sometimes you'd rather pretend it's not there. Wherever your line is it's your decision for when you want to cross it and if you're lucky, when you're ready, you'll have someone waiting for you on the other side.
Story doesn't stop here. Weeks later Guy is at the same bar as Girl and corners her to discuss their 'relationship'. And, this is where my intervention becomes necessary. Drunken and perturbed I hobble up to them and tell Guy that I hurt my foot and currently my shoe is filling up with blood. I need Girl to come with me immediately. I am wearing flip flops. I hope Guy receives this blatant message. No harm no foul. Probably one of the easiest breakups in history.
We should look at this as an urban myth, an isolated incident from a guy who is confused. But this really does happen. Gone are the days when girls are asked to 'go steady' and on to the future where assumption equals exclusive relationship. Say you're friends with a guy and start hanging out, hooking up, and can do things like play miniature golf and cook dinner together when to you it seems casual and to him it seems domestic and couple-y. I see it now as a movie split screen where girl is participating in these events with thoughts of where her next margarita will come from and guy has a cartoon balloon over his head filled with hearts. Does this not seem backwards? Isn't it the girl who's always portrayed as assuming commitment too early? Next thing you know the 'L' word is dropped out of nowhere, on the phone and you think, do I have a bad connection? Was that a 'love ya' in the casual, friendly context? Sadly no, it was a distinct 'I love you.' Oh no. My connection is bad...static...can't hear you....What else can you do in a situation like that? It temporarily stuns you because you didn't even think you were a couple, apparantly he did. Awk-ward. So you'll learn for next time, right?
Wrong.
Fast forward to adult man and when I say adult, I'm talking about hefty career aspirations, ability to purchase real estate, and ultimately discussion of coupledom far too fast and furious. It is this man you should be wary of if you begin dating him near the holidays. He wants you to meet his family, share a Christmas goose, look at houses with him. Wait, what? You have been dating a total of two weeks and you wanted a guy who could commit...eventually. You nod politely and tell him that you would love to meet his family but you are allergic to goose and your own family is expecting you for the holiday. He, being the mature 30-something he is, smiles and assures you that he understands but his sister is having a party next weekend and maybe you can at least meet her then. Because she wants to meet you. His girlfriend. If this was a movie this is where the music would come to a screeching halt because you barely know this guy. Although you have had some fun dates, long conversations, whatever happened to slow and steady wins the race? So the last phone call goes unreturned. And the one after that and the one after that. Immature? Of course. But maybe he will just chalk it up to the difference in age.
I think for a relationship to be considered coupledom that both parties must not only be privy to this next step but agree upon it. There doesn't have to be a signed document, but a clarification, a discussion would be nice. Otherwise, then the guy thinks you are an insensitive, commitment-phobic tramp and you are left wondering how did you not know that you had been cast for the role of girlfriend. I guess there is fine line between the time someone turns from a nobody into a somebody. Sometimes you are dragged across it. Sometimes you'd rather pretend it's not there. Wherever your line is it's your decision for when you want to cross it and if you're lucky, when you're ready, you'll have someone waiting for you on the other side.
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