When faced with dishonesty, learn to trust yourself - San Diego Relationships | Examiner.com

When faced with dishonesty, learn to trust yourself - San Diego Relationships | Examiner.com

Mission Valley Windsor store - San Diego Fashion Trends | Examiner.com

Mission Valley Windsor store - San Diego Fashion Trends | Examiner.com

Year in Review

So 2009 is now two weeks away from being over and what a year it's been. Every year about this time, I think I say the same thing...can't wait to see it go! 2009 was rough, there were fun times and exciting experiences, but ever the optimist, I feel the best is yet to come...

It seems as it was just yesterday that I was buying my friend shots to try to make her throw up on her birthday. A Three Wiseman shot, which I had the waitress bring out in, well, three separate shots. Whoops. Happy Birthday!

Nothing remarkable happened in February. Oh, Valentine's Day. This year's V-day was interesting to say the least. I went from annoyed to mellow to happy to angry and back to annoyed all in a 24-hour span.

Roooaddd Triiippp! FSB 2009 to Dallas! Took a week off from work, to drink, travel, play and basically NOT WORK! Just like the good ol' days.

April, April, what happened in April???

Cinco de Mayo, always a great time. Then there was DT karaoke with Multiple Scorgasms which led me to singing like there was no tomorrow, air kissing everyone I saw and ending up passed out on the bathroom floor. Luckily, it was my bathroom floor. Good times.

Summer didn't really feel like summer. Didn't spend near as much time at the pool as I'm used to. Just as soon as it begun, it seemed like it was over.

Then there came August and the fight of the century at a place that will remain unnamed only because I don't want to shout them out in any way! The party didn't start 'til we got there and it didn't end 'til we left. Enjoy anger management.

September, the best month ever. I turned a remarkable 28 and couldn't remember at first how old I was turning. I would forever like to be 25 but now being 28, I almost would rather be 30.

Then the holidays: Halloween, Thanksgiving and soon to be Christmas and it seems like it's all come at a rush at the end. Actually, my life feels like a rush right now. A good rush. I got to say good-bye to some bad habits. I've been introduced to some new opportunities. No matter what drama has broken me down over the past year (and there was a lot) as I slide out of 2009 into 2010, I can honestly say that I'm back on top!

And it feels good...

if i were a boy

I love boys. For so many reasons of course, but maybe for their sheer fearlessness. Fearlessness that could be defined on a different day as idiocy. I always admire a guy who bites the bullet to ask a girl out...unless that girl is me. Because when it happens to me, I don't really realize it's happening until after the fact. By then it's too late to make up an excuse they will believe, so usually I just blurt out, 'I have a boyfriend' or I just smile while saying no and slowly back away. Really, I shouldn't care that much about their feelings, because I'm no fool. As soon as the word 'no' is out of my mouth, they're already on to the next one. Boys are resilient like that. Another reason why I adore them.

Ahhh, if I were a boy...

If I were a boy, I would think of the most nonsensical ways to ask someone out. Nah, I'd make a really bad boy. But as a girl, maybe I should run an experiment and see just what kind of lines, tactics, techniques that guys will fall for. The same lines, tactics, techniques that guys think that we girls will fall for.

Case in point: guy at Jiffy Lube asked what I did for fun. To be nice, I started listing things. Then he asked if I invited people over. Like to my house? Umm...sure. Then he asked if he could be one of those people. Really?! Really, really you're asking that? I politely said my boyfriend would not like that and he without flinching said that maybe we can exchange numbers as friends since he didn't know anyone from around here. For a second, I began to empathize and I asked him where he was from. And he said...

KCK.

You're not from around here? Dude, you're like a twenty minute drive. We're in the same area code.

Then tonight, I'm eating dinner with my friend. I'm showing her pictures on my camera when here comes sailing a sugar packet on our table. I look up to the guy in the next booth and he said, 'Hi' and I said, 'hi' and he said there was a fashion show on Saturday downtown, did me and my friend want to go with him and his friend.

No.

However, the no didn't come out so fast. Again, I felt the urge to be polite and decline nicely but luckily my engaged friend informed sugar thrower that she was indeed, engaged, while I just stared at him, mouthing the word 'no'.

So the experiment is twofold: 1) Try to decline invitations I do not want quickly and worry about politeness after the fact. I don't have to be rude but I don't have to be chatty. 2) Throw sugar packets at boys, hit on them at the gas station, grocery store line and anywhere else I feel like striking up a random conversation not caring whether they do or do not have a girlfriend. Whether they do or do not want to talk to me.

I am going to be a boy. I am a boy.

I'm gonna be a really bad at this. But it's not like they're much better.

hope it was good for you

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, so the saying goes. You smack me, I smack you. Is that how it goes? Usually, I leave it up to the hormone-driven males to go ballistic and start fights and we girls are left running our mouths and giving evil glares. But there are those girls out there that just can't hold their temper. Maybe I am one of them, but I think the trick is holding it just a second longer then the person that decides to take it to the next level and want to fight.

I've never hit anyone, but can't say I never would. But I do think twice. The reason being is that this isn't high school. I don't live in small town America anymore, where the cops all know us by name and yell at us to go home when we're out past our curfew. I live in green grass, suburban living where the cops show up and want to know what's been done and who's done it. And if that person is you, then you're going to have to pay.

On one hand, it does seem kind of silly. A person who's been violated should be able to do so back. No one else should be involved, not even the police. That's just not how it works. And the thing is, everyone knows that. They may not like it, but they know it. Maybe holding on that one second longer makes the 'hit' without hitting hurt that much more. Only God can judge, that's what we're told and that's what I believe. But I also believe in first impressions and definitely will form an opinion on people who reek ugly. And if you're the kind of person that without thinking, without being instigated to do so, results in unnecessary roughness then you just sealed your own fate. Because everyone knows, God does not like ugly.

So in the end, is it worth it? Maybe some fights are. Maybe someone makes you so mad, ran their mouths too much, that a smack to the face is worth all that follows, which includes the knowledge had you used your head for just a second and not been the first person to flinch, you might've been walking on the other side.

But once you set anger and frustration into motion, at times you might just wish that other person would've just grabbed you back, call it even and walk away. But if that other person sidesteps you, that just means you're still in motion and you don't have much control over when it will stop, if it stops at all.

i hate winter

I hate winter. The only reason I tolerate it is because I can do marathon eating at Thanksgiving and I get to Martha Stewart it up during Christmas season. Other than that, I hate it. I hate the cold and ice and dark. I hate that I have to wear a coat and gloves and my hair becomes static-y. I don't know if I've always been like this or as I get older my body rejects extreme temperatures. I can't wait until California. When cold is fifty degrees.

I hibernate in the winter. I hibernate and cook. Maybe I am part bear? I stay in and bake and clean and take multiple naps on the weekend just waiting for the sun to come out. Just waiting for the weather to feel hopeful rather than dismal. It's a good time to get things done, I guess. I just got back from vacation in New Orleans, where the weather was absolutely perfect and I couldn't imagine getting anything done but being outside, enjoying life. At least with depressing winter, I have to try harder to find entertainment. I can cross things off my 'to do' list. Clean out closet. Check. Read old magazines and recycle. Check. Bake three dozen cookies. Check.

After awhile, it's enough to drive a person crazy. Even for a person like me, who at times, actually prefers being alone. I feel serious in winter. I feel like the cold is a slap in the face telling me that now is the time to get all the shit done that I put off all summer. And to be honest, it's not far from the truth. There's no room for responsibility when I'm laying by the pool, when there's more light in the day making it impossible for me to want to go home. It's the opposite in winter, I always want to be home.

So maybe it's a good time to make a list and cross things off. I've already made a list of things I need to buy for Thanksgiving, i.e. things I want to eat. I need a list of things I want to accomplish, places I want to see, people I want to meet. And then, when the sun comes out again, when the winter coat is stored away, I can work on crossing them off. Of course, all the things I want to do are things that can't be done in winter. Things are twice as desirable when you can't have them.

It's about a month and a half away from 2010. And, boy is my list gonna be long by then. I guess I should embrace winter and it's insistence on keeping me indoors, because 2010 is gonna be year of follow though, busy and exciting and might just make me yearn for one winter day when life wasn't moving quite so fast...

decisions, decisions

Today, I boo'd a bride-to-be. I convinced a David's Bridal employee to give me an additional $50 coupon in secret and I spit out someone's wedding cake sample. This all tells me one thing: it's probably best that I am not the one getting married.

I had never been to a bridal convention until today. A couple hundred vendors all telling you what cake, dress, and honeymoon vacation is best for you. And all I kept thinking as my friend and I were walking past the booths was, I don't need any of this. Of course, you need information on pricing. And you need to know who's going to bake the cake, alter the dress but you don't need someone to tell you the way to go. Just like love, you either have no idea what you want and go looking for it, hoping you'll get an idea or you decide for yourself what you want and then take the necessary steps to make it work.

The girl I boo'd had just won a free wedding dress. The emcee called her name repeatedly before people started pointing to her and saying that she had won. She just sat there, arms folded and did not say a word. Finally, she said she didn't want to get on the stage. You don't want to get on the stage?! Let me get this straight, you filled out a form with your name on it. Your name, out of hundreds, was called because you won a prize and you can't march your slipper wearing brat ass up to the stage? And you're going to get married? Are you getting married in a cave with no one else around, because spoiler alert! people will be at your wedding! Hence, they will SEE you.

After my boo'ing, I couldn't help but appreciate that I was at a bridal convention because one of my best friends is getting married. And she is definitely not a brat. She would happily accept a free dress and she did not throw me a look of scorn as I (admittedly brat-ish myself) boo'd a fellow future bride. Had I been with anyone else, I don't think it would've been as much fun. I think the girl and the bad cake and the overwhelming feeling of information overload would've broken me down. But all I could feel was excitement for my friend. All I could think was that I could actually talk for hours about her wedding planning and truly enjoy it. Maybe the bridal convention is a rite of passage, a test of patience and endurance. An eye-opener that lets you see all you ever wanted is right within reach.

Because after all the craziness, the choices, the planning, you get to see that despite what anyone thinks, does or tells you to do, in the moments of a wedding, the moments that truly matter, you realize there were only ever two decisions needed.

His decision to ask. Her decision to say 'yes'.

sorry sorry sucker?

People say you're supposed to 'forgive and forget'. They say this as if both forgiving and forgetting are one in the same. But they're not. I don't forget much. And I definitely don't forget things that created such an impact on my life, that I had to forgive someone to move forward. Those people who talk about forgiving and forgetting are probably the ones that have done something wrong.

There have been instances in my life where forgiving wasn't really an option. When someone has done something and then left. They left with no implication that forgiveness was to be sought out. And often times turn right back around to do it again. Because sometimes people do things that hurt us and they don't know they have. Or they do things to hurt us and they simply don't care. Or they don't care enough. So then are we to forgive someone that isn't even sorry?

The trick is knowing that one day down the road they will be sorry. They might not feel sorry but they will be sorry. They might not apologize, they may not see any more clearly the error of their ways but they will reach a time where they will not understand who they are. Usually, by the time they've reached this point in their lives, an apology seems unnecessary. An apology seems like an insult. So the ones hurt are left without releasing forgiveness. And both are only reminded that they haven't forgotten.

It doesn't make you a bad person if you can't forget the past. What it makes you is a person that is living with someone else's regret. Whether you've been in the position yourself and you've done something that you can't take back or you're the person that couldn't swallow your pride, maybe you've been there on the opposite end. Maybe you've wanted to say you were sorry to someone but knew an apology wouldn't erase the hurt that occurred. Two words don't undo a broken heart.

So maybe by forgiving and forgetting we aren't supposed to forget the past, what's happened. What we've done, what's been done to us. Maybe we're supposed to forget the power of another person's actions over us and forgive that we are not perfect. No one is perfect. And for those moments that scar us, it's right there, how can we forget? One is a reaction and one is an action and it's anyone's guess as to which one is which...

my dirty little (not so) secret

A birthday is better than the traditional new year on January 1st. A birthday is your personal time to make resolutions for yourself. I never resolve to do anything. Actually, every year I promise myself that I will be nicer and meaner at the same time. Nicer because I can, at times, be bitchy and meaner because also at times I can be taken advantage of. So goes the balance of life.

And although I try to keep my regrets to a minimum, I do have some bad habits. I mean not like addictive habits where I need to meet anonymously with a group and work through the problems but bad enough habits, where it makes me stop and ask myself, 'Why do you keep doing this?'

Bad Habit #1:

Stalking people. When I am bored at work, which is often, not due to laziness more due to efficiency I say, I find myself stalking people via the internet. I mean their information is just OUT there for everyone to read and see. Some people are not afraid to tell every little ounce of information they can about their lives. I have seen people hook up and break up, lose jobs, move to different cities, talk trash, make amends and have never had to talk to that person once about it. They just update it on their (you pick which) page. And God bless them for putting their business out there because it gives me at least a half hour of entertainment during an otherwise boring day. Why stalk? Why not, I say. I don't necessarily want or need to know people's business. It's just there. So I look.

Bad Habit #2:

Being self-absorbed. Once in awhile I will actually catch myself talking about myself too much in a conversation. Sometimes I get steamrolling on a subject and then I'm like, why doesn't someone just tell me to give it a rest. Luckily, I usually am talking to someone that knows and loves me and believes that eventually I will shut up.

Bad Habit #3:

Being judgmental. To be fair I'm the most judgmental of myself. And usually I'm not doing it to be snarky, I'm naturally opinionated. And those opinions spew out of my mouth without warning.

Bad Habit #4:

Enjoying the chase. I never really would think I would be this type of girl. I'm lazy by nature. I like to assess situations before exerting any effort. But I blame this habit once again on boredom. The chase is always slightly out of my reach, sometimes because I keep it that way because what am I supposed to do when the chase is over? You never want to actual catch the person because the game is over and I have to find something else to do.

Bad Habit #5:

Worrying about what people think. I don't worry, as in it keeps me up at night but I do take it into consideration. The truth of the matter is that whatever anyone has ever said or thought about me, good or bad, has probably at one time been true. And I have to accept the fact that some people just will believe that I am only one certain thing. That Courtney, she's such a bitch. Well, tell me something I don't know, doll.

Okay, so those are only five bad habits, but if I listed all of them this list might never end. So what to do about them?

Well as far as stalking, I know it's not necessary. And to be honest it's not as entertaining as it once was. Sometimes I've found out information that I might not otherwise have known or needed to know and maybe that's for a reason. I like honesty and minimal drama (unless it's happening to someone else) and that's usually doesn't go hand in hand with stalking. What happens to other people has nothing to do with me. And if it does, finding out in a secondhand way is never good.

I have a feeling I'll always have a bit of angst; therefore, I will always feel compelled to try to relate to someone and talk about myself, hoping that someone else will make me feel like I'm not the only one who has ever done something fucked up. But I don't want to end up like Tyra Banks. Have you ever seen her talk show? Somehow, she ends up making her problems being bigger than any of her guests. Note to self: do not be like Tyra.

Which leads me to being judgmental, which not gonna lie, is going to be one of the harder habits to break. Often times, I just feel it's observation because I'm just stating fact (well, fact according to me). Because I don't care what people wear, say, do I just like to point out when I think it's weird.

I think #4 will work itself out. I'm getting old.

I think partly the reason why I worry about what people think is because I know what a judgmental ass I can be and if there is a chance there is another me roaming around out there, somewhere pointing every faux pas I make, well then I'm going to be a little self-conscious. But why? What they say about me matters just about as much as what I say about them. I need to take a cue from Weezer and do the things I wanna do, because I ain't got nothing to prove to you. Eat my candy with the pork and beans, excuse my manners if I make a scene. Yeah, all that except the pork and beans part because I don't even know what that means.

It's just time to break some habits, start afresh. Bye-bye to what once was. Hello to what will soon be...

i'm a brat. let's be honest though. you are too.

I've seem to have had several arguments that have ended with the other person telling me they're not perfect. As if this is the answer to everything we've just been fighting about. But that's not an answer, it's a fact.

No one is perfect.

And no one should expect someone else to be. But there's a difference from hiding behind imperfection and continuously working on being a better person. To know you have things to work on and you choose not to is almost as bad as saying that you're perfect in the first place. No one should be above addressing their shortcomings, righting their wrongs, if for no one else but themselves. But few people take criticism well, me included, and no one wants it pointed out. But if the person I am now is the only version of the person I'll ever be then what am I doing? I'm never gonna meet anyone new? Or do anything different? I'm going to listen only to myself and never see things from a different point of view? I should be ok with who I am now, because I'm imperfect and that's just who I am, period?

Ummm...no....

My older brother has recently pointed out that I am bullheaded. To which my immediate reaction was to say, 'No, I'm not.' And obviously he's right, I am bullheaded or at least can be. As in what I say goes. Like when I say, I don't want to talk about it or I don't want to do it, he and my family knows that I'm not going to talk about it and I'm not going to do it (yep, even at 27 this brat side of me still comes out) no further discussion. I know I'm like this but now I know that this may hurt them, which is something I never want to do. I do like to think things through before speaking (usually!) and that means if I'm put on the spot about something, my initial reaction may be to shut down or defy it. They know it's not something that'll change in me overnight or ever all the way, but I want to alter it enough so as not to hurt them. It's not easy and sometimes, I feel like my family is a pain in the prying ass but what's more important, making an effort for my family or being stubborn for selfish reasons?

So few things annoy me more then someone saying to me, 'that's just how I am', I'm not gonna change. Like that's it. You're never gonna ever be different? You're not gonna even TRY? Smells like bullshit to me. Because if you're the exact same person you were five years ago, ten years ago time must've stood still for you. If I was the same person I was five or ten years ago, well, that'd be a whole other set problems in and of itself. So when someone says something that ridiculous, I want to be like, well no shit that's how you are...but do you think that makes everything you do ok?

Everyone makes mistakes. Has regrets. Everyone has said things they don't mean. If someone I care about doesn't like something I'm doing, I know it's less about me as a person and more about my actions, actions that can be changed. Sometimes people think they can't change who they are, but they confuse this with not wanting to. All it takes is time and trying. And if you're so above giving it time to work on it or trying a new perspective, then I would rather hear that.

Own up to it.

Just say you don't want to change for anyone. That you are above it. You're too scared. You're too lazy. Because at least there's the truth. Because at the basis of my annoyance with someone who makes the 'never gonna change' excuse is that that person is lying. They will change. When the time is right for them. When they do own up to it, their fears or reasons for not wanting to budge. Whatever it is that's holding them still. They lie because it's easier. Gives them more room to screw up. They are just fine. They forget no one is asking for perfection. They forgot what it's like to be and want more.

They forget what it feels like to try.

different strokes

My friend is addicted to Craigslist. She actually just refers to it as CL now because she is that much on the up and up as to what is going on in the CL realm. I'm actually not sure how this happened, her addiction, but one day I get a text from her asking me if I knew there were gay males on CL trying to come off as heteros. She asks me this as if I should be personally offended by what these strangers, gay or not, do.

She sends me CL 'highlights' , such as acronyms for body parts I didn't need to know about. Alerts me to when new pictures of penises are posted (or penii as she refers to them, as if they are a Latin verb, rather than c'mon let's face it...pornographic). I have known my friend for about three-ish years now and as far as I'm aware she is a straight, non-porn watching kind of gal and yet she remains uber-obsessed with this online phenomenon of men seeking men...or transsexuals...or whatever other categories she can find on there.

Today she texts me to say that she responded to one of these ads with her fake email. It was an ad from a straight man seeking a transsexual. She emailed him interest and when he responded asking her if she was one, she said, no I'm a psych professor (which isn't entirely untrue, she did major in psychology) and told him he needed help. After falling out of my chair laughing, I asked her why she felt compelled to do that. She is greatly concerned with what goes on behind closed doors apparently. I told her she can't rid the world of 'posers', that's what Craiglist is for. And maybe as CL abuser, she is the one who needs help.

I have seized my other words of wisdom to her, which have been, stop stalking people on Craigslist, quit worrying about the wonders of pseudo straight men who have fantasies that we not only can't understand but that normal people (like myself, not her obviously) shouldn't care about, and stop fucking texting me that shit!

I told her that she is the Unabomber of text, as if this will offend her. But if the visual of a stranger's ugly penis doesn't offend her and a gay man posing as a straight one does, then what is there left for me to do?

I hope she finds a new hobby soon.

fall is such a clever name for a season

I want to bungee jump. I joke that if I do, I will be like Alicia Silverstone in the Aerosmith 'Cryin' video and flip the bird. In reality, I'll probably be too terrified to do anything and just be concentrating on not barfing (which by the way, experience has shown me is not possible, even the utmost concentration has not prevented throwing up when I wanted it to but that's a whole different blog). I want be suspended between where I was and where I'm going for a few seconds of time to just...well, fall. In the metaphorical sense, that is how I feel now. Suspended in the air, seeing where I'm headed but haven't all the way left where I've been. And it's scary and exciting and can't quite catch my breath or focus on what lies before me.

Maybe it's August's clock ticking at me. For years and years, August signified the beginning of a new year. It was the beginning of a new grade, new classes, one step closer to where I was headed. So maybe it's not such a stretch that right around this time I feel both the beginning and the end of something new. Just like teachers, maybe I measure my year by the school calendar. Or maybe it's that I consider my September birthday my 'new year' versus the actual January 1st date and I ask myself, what did I learn in the past year? What do I vow to do different when I'm another year older? What's gonna change? All the questions start forming and floating right around this period of time, for whatever reason, my mind swirls with them.

And yet, I'm a walking contradiction because at the same time my mind is suspended because I'm still in summer mode. I still want to play and live in the moment and not plan and just do. I want to not be so serious or contemplative (although my neurotic mind never quite lets that happen). I want to race ahead to all the fun I know that's in store for me but can't quite let go of things that might have happened before that I have to think about. Past is just the past, but it's not like it never happened. It's there. To just discard it, to pack it away with my swimsuit and sunscreen until next year just isn't how it works.

And it's a little like free falling and being stuck at the same time.

My mind is in ten different places while I'm being propelled forward. I'm enjoying every minute, but still expecting, just not sure when, that I'm going to be yanked back to the past, to learn something else or tie up loose ends or go back for someone or something that wasn't meant to be left behind. There's no way to try to figure out when it's gonna happen.

Just gotta close my eyes, feel the proverbial wind on my face, fall...and wait...

what you want should be right now

I have to say I admire people who are so definitive in who they are and the choices they make, that they are able to use words like 'never' and phrases like 'that's just me, I'm never gonna change'. There is something that is probably very refreshing being so set in your ways, that any of life's roadblocks that come your way, you just put up a hand and say, 'Oh, _________ is something I would never do. But that's just me, I'm never gonna change.' As in, F off and accept it. The decisiveness makes me want to learn their secrets to life. The confidence, the ability to put every situation in the same boat and sail it to its destination, point blank, period.

I can barely decide what I want to do when I wake up in the morning. Do I want Starbucks? Do I not? Do I have time? And then the moment arrives...and yes, today would be a good day for a caramel macchiato! I'm a decisive person who changes her mind...a lot. Which sounds like a contradiction, but really isn't. What I want in any given moment is subject to change due to all of the various elements of that which is called life. And any choice I've made that I've done a 180 on, I've never regretted, never wanted to take back and never said, if I were to do it again, I would've done it differently.

However, despite the changes, despite the fact that at any given moment, I could pack up and move to the beach. Despite that I have changed jobs and apartments more times in ten years then most people do in their life, I know who I am. At the heart of all my quick decisions, internal conflicts, verbal diarrhea that I may get from time to time, I know myself and what I want. I wanted to move to New York. I moved to New York. I wanted a higher salary, I changed jobs. I want answers, I ask. And when you decide that, things you will put up with, how far you will take something, how much fight you have, then it's easier to trust yourself to make a decision that will make you happy. It might not be the easiest, you might look back on your life and think if this was me two years ago, five years ago, maybe I would've decided something different, but all you can do is live in the moment of your decisions.

I'm a person who expects a lot out of people, wants to see them at their best. I'm judgmental and stubborn, sensitive and thoughtful (to the point where my thinking drives me insane), but what I demand out of others, isn't half of what I demand out of myself. I'm not going to be one who settles, who is satisfied with ok. I'll go with the flow as long as it's flowing the way I want and then if it changes, I'll fight like hell against what naturally is supposed to move me along. But even knowing who I am doesn't mean that me won't change tomorrow. I'll be thrown off my high horse. I'll have an ego blow or two. I'll get my heart broken. I'll make mistakes. And knowing this in advance, prepares me for the excitement that the future holds, with all its messiness, and keeps me in the now of my back and forth craziness.

I just hope the people who don't expect their views to change, the people who are so happy with the people they are today in this moment, that would never see it any other way, know in their hearts all they're missing out on. It's never too late to change...your mind, your heart, yourself. I can relate to them on at least one level of 'never'. Because settling for less than what I want is something I would never do.

But that's just me, I'm never gonna change.

quit running from what's not chasing you

'Some things we don't talk about, rather do without and just hold and smile...' -The Fray

Pride is a two-faced bitch. On one hand, it's an amazing quality to have. To help us celebrate something we've accomplished. To make us work hard. To have us put our best foot forward. To stand tall and fight through difficulties. But pride will also keep you from doing the right thing. It will convince you to rationalize the wrong thing. Pride keeps us from saying things we need to and makes us say things we don't mean. Because we don't want to get hurt. We don't want to be the first to give in. If we're going to lose it all, we might as well have our pride, right?

Why is it so easy to hurt someone, but an apology is something we have to 'think about'? Should the words 'I'm sorry' be changed into 'Let's get over it'? Sometimes that's how it feels. And sometimes that's exactly what needs to happen. But why is it so hard to to take the first step? Why is it so hard to tell someone we love them? Why of all the things we could say, do we just choose to ignore it? The problem with a problem is that it doesn't go away because we say it's over. It just sits inside of us waiting to come out. And maybe it won't come out to the person we have a problem with. Maybe it won't even come out anytime soon, but down the road when you least expect it, that what we have tried to hide away finds its way to the surface. And how are you supposed to hide from yourself?

There is really so much more that we can be doing with our lives. At the end of the day, if we let it, pride leaves us lonely. Pride pushes people away and lets issues go unresolved. And those issues just get pushed onto the next person and the next. It convinces us to believe that all the people who we push away, chose to leave us. It makes us believe that all the people that wanted to help us, really were trying to avoid handing problems of their own. It makes us believe lies, because knowing that someone might find us out is so much scarier than the truth.

The truth being that sometimes we are wrong. Sometimes we've done something so horrible, that apologizing won't make up for it. And even if we did, how do we find the right words? We aren't above trying. Again. And again.The truth is that we aren't above being loved. We aren't above letting people love us. But to some people, pride is better than the truth. It's worth going into a situation knowing that when you come out, you had the last word. That you held up and didn't cry, didn't flinch, brushed your shoulders off and moved on. That you were the one that could walk away from something, could do without. It definitely can help us from getting hurt. It's just not as reliable at knowing how to help us back up. So even though we should walk around with our heads held high, holding it too high, sooner or later you're gonna miss a step, trip and fall and no one and nothing will be there to save you...

but your pride.

Today Is a New Day

People have good selective memories. They remember two things: the times they felt like shit and the times they felt unstoppable. The goal is to turn the times you feel like shit into times you feel unstoppable. You've been there. I've been there. We've all been at the lowest of the lows. It doesn't matter how old you are or what mistakes you've made or what you've had to endure, because you are still here. There is always an opportunity to turn it all around. You just have to want it to happen.

Why wouldn't someone want that to happen? That, my friend, is a good question. One of the most frustrating things is wanting something for someone more than they want it for themselves. Happiness and courage and love are feelings you can bestow onto someone else, you can cram it down their throats, force yourself to believe that they are happy/courageous/loved but if they don't feel it for themselves, then it's like racing someone who decided to take a nap instead. You're going forward at full speed and they're...well, they're taking a nap. There are people who you are going to love that want to hold onto their pasts, their hurt, any struggles that they've faced and leave room for nothing else. On any given day, you might even be this person. You know why they hang on? It's because it's what they know. It's what they can handle.

If there are people who think all they can handle is broken hearts and deflated spirits, then that is a choice I don't have to understand but you seriously can't tell me that there are people who wake up and say 'I sure hope I feel like shit today!" My mom used to have this book called '14,000 Things to Be Happy About'. Now you have to think that if there was a person that had enough time and enough audacity to sit aroud and think of that many things to be happy about and write it down AND have it published, then you can find ONE thing to be happy about. Here I will help, a banana split. I'm allergic to bananas, you say. I am lactose intolerant, you lament. You know what then, slurp up the chocolate around the banana and eat soy ice cream, I am sure they have it.

I am not insensitive. Nor am I immune to tragedy or broken hearts. Like I said we've all been there. But I also know for every ten things that have been devastating in my life, there is someone who has had eleven. I know there will be times when you feel there is nothing to be happy about and that's okay because unfortunately, that's true. But doesn't it at least make you feel a little better knowing that when you're ready, there is at least one thing waiting to make you smile?

You don't have to be an optimist. You don't have to force a smile or never be sad, but happiness will only follow you so far before it stops and waits for you to be ready. And all you have to do is try. One thing to be happy about a day. It's not that much to handle. Are you ready?

How 'bout now?

Keep Telling Yourself That

Here it comes, that time of year where you promise yourself that you are going to lose weight, be nicer, work harder, save more money, sky dive or whatever. The thing is, if you really wanted to do all of this, if you were serious about making a resolution and keeping it, then what is the point of waiting? Why is January 1st the end all, be all of trying to be a better person, a more daring person, the person you ultimately want to be? What happens if you try your resolution and come February you fail, then what? You spend the rest of the year doing the same thing as last, feeling comfort in the fact you can give it another shot in about ten months. And you are okay with this because hey, at least you tried?

Well, I call bullshit.

It's a lovely thought but be honest. You have intentions. Admirable intentions but intending to do something is frankly a more inspiring way of saying, I'm just going to sit on my ass until I figure out what I want to do. People don't change overnight. You don't wake up after a champagne-filled, confetti-laced night ready to dominate the world, you just don't.

You only intend to.

The challenge that we face is to accept that we're not going to be everything we want to be in a day. We're going to make mistakes. We're going to do things we aren't supposed to. We're going to talk ourselves out of rational thought for the sake of short-term fun. I think we should make the effort to try to accept this. Look back at where you've been this past year, what you've gained and what you've lost and most importantly, what you've learned. Make a top ten list of the things you've learned. Better yet, make a top ten list of the best times you had. Figure out the people who were involved when these things happened and try to keep them around. Act like you're going to live in the moment but realize that this is virtually impossible without reliving your past or worrying about your future. Revisit old times, go back and do it again if you must but don't go the same way. Imagine where you want to be in five years but realize that a security plan only works for people who believe security equals happiness, which I'm sorry to say it doesn't.

There are things you may feel are unfinished from 2007, things you want to say or do or take back or change. You want all of this to be magically resolved by January 1, 2008 and this will not happen. Even if you do stick to some of your resolutions, just remember that it's okay to gain back the weight you lost. It's okay to overspend and do reckless things and never sky dive. Because there are more chances then New Year's Day to be a better person. You will have more than one chance....

to prove it.

Where's Ron Popeil When You Need Him?

I don’t know how God feels knowing that he’s being hookered out on late night television by some pseudo-minister promoting ‘miracle water’ but I’m sure it’s not good. Supposedly by drinking this water, it makes you the recipient of several thousands of dollars. I found this out in the wee hours of the morning while I experienced a glimpse into the life of an insomniac.

I pride myself in my sleep habits. I am capable of sleeping anywhere, anytime. My mom says when I was younger, if we were in the car and she said, ‘Take a nap,” I would immediately close my eyes and be out. I'm sure I was just waiting for her to say the magic words to give me permission to doze off. I accidentally cuddle with strangers on airplanes before take off (hey, those seats are small). I have slept a 10-hour night only to take a 3-hour nap later that afternoon. I love to sleep. So, imagine my disgust when last night I woke up at 3:30 in the morning wide awake, lying in bed repeating to myself, why are you awake, why are you awake. Thinking that bad television would cause my mind to drift into peaceful sleep once more, I switched it on only to find minister man, miracle water and prayer promises that are supposed to guarantee you money. It got me thinking, what if I called this man and he swore that I would be receiving money on Thanksgiving and then I didn’t. Could I sue for false advertising?

As if he wasn’t bad enough, I turned to the ever boring, ever unnecessary channel that is the Home Shopping Network.I didn’t think this really existed. I mean the things they sell, the clothes they wear. It looked more like a Saturday Night Live spoof, than a real promotion of crap. First item up, Casio Light-Up Keyboard. Oh. My. God. First of all, homeboy selling the item was wearing a pink polo under a bright blue v-neck sweater merrily following the keyboard lights convincing himself and other morons that he was learning to play ‘You’ve Got A Friend’. For three payments of sixty-nine dollars or something, you too could look like a complete tool. Up next for sale in twenty-nine minutes and forty-two seconds, a roaster/chafing machine. Next.

NEXT is exactly what I switched to. I thought surely MTV would be showing an old episode of Cribs or some other less popular show that would provide a little, mindless entertainment but no. Instead they were showing the dating show that has the worst actors who are also the worst looking people all crammed together on a bus trying to last the longest on a date that they don’t really want to be on anyway. Fuck insomnia.

But at last I found my solace as I switched to Fox. Fox, I believe, is the sleaziest of the news stations. I don’t know why I think this, maybe because of the newscasters or the Fox News Problem Solvers but I have a hard time believing what I see on Fox. Therefore, Fox is my favorite. Lucky for me they were showing COPS and it was the Wichita PD being followed. Ugly woman officer pulls over a car with two men for suspicion of drunk driving. When pulled over and asked for registration, she spots a gun in the glove box. She barks at them to get out of the car, hands where she can see them, calling for back up followed by passenger and driver both claiming that the gun is not theirs. Good thing for faceless girl, who as a backseat passenger tattles on the front passenger pulling the gun from his pocket and putting it in the glove compartment. Nothing like COPS breaking it down for us Midwest style to help a girl get some sleep.

I think they should have a channel that has a spinning bullseye and a voice repeating, you are getting very sleepy. Once in awhile I have these insomniac spurts and it makes me sympathize with those who have real sleeping problems or work late shifts and have to watch the crap that is televised between the hours of 2 and 5 a.m.; because honestly many more nights of that and I will seriously have to invest in some porn.

Your Not Enough is My Too Much

What is it that I said before? The challenge is accepting the trade off, the fact that in order to see what you think might be worth it in the end, you have to endure the drama that is now. I must've thought this during an optimistic blackout. Do you know that you have to like a person at the very same time they like you and even if they like you and you like them, each other has to be on the top of the other's list? I could like Boy who likes Girl Not Me while Other Random Boy likes me, like a menage a trois that no one is directly involved in. Someone can like you at the same time you like them, it just might not be enough. Or it may be enough but one or the other is not one hundred percent sure and god forbid we try something we're only ninety-nine percent sure about that has a fifty percent chance of failure anyway. I didn't make the rules. That's just how it goes. Luckily, the optimistic self has meshed well with the cynical self and has created reserve lists.

A reserve list is a list of people that we like, who like us, who are cute, nice, say witty things but for some reason can't bump that seemingly unattainable, impossibly unpredictable number one that drives us crazy yet makes us happy off the list. The reserve list can include but is not limited to: friends with benefits, exes, random, semi-anonymous people we meet at bars or other inappropriate places. The trouble with the reserves is that rarely do they move up in ranking; therefore, defeating the purpose of the list in the first place. Does this all seem exhausting?

Now you know how I feel.

We use the list to make sure we're not missing out on anything while certain males out there turtle around, wanting us to wait for them to make their move. We can be ahead of the race, found others who can keep pace and then the turtle finally reaches the finish line and is upset that we didn't wait for them to come around. Can I get a 'what the fuck'? Guys don't want you to be desperate. They don't want you to be too much work. They want you to make the first move. They want to chase. They say they like you. They never call. Consistent only in their inconsistency. And the thing is, we put up with it. Of course it's because we base who we want on things other than consistency, reliability, and comfort. We know it's safer to drive the mini-van but we want the Porsche.

So what's the answer?

We try all methods and see that none of them work. We play the game and decide we're not going to follow the rules. We ride out the drama and hope that it really is worth it in the end. The answer is we will only do, can only do what seems like the best idea at the time. Anything else it seems is too much to ask for.

Shake Your Money Maker

If I could list all of the brilliant plans that my friends and I have come up with in the past year, it would astound you. Creating a team of drunks. Beer-bonging while floating down a river in a canoe. Baking cupcakes for deejays. Genius, I tell you. But none have been as profitable as our latest idea. We have created the adult equivalent of having a lemonade stand.

It all started one night in an unknown bar for a birthday celebration of a hardly known person when I found myself in need of a soft pretzel with cheese. I was sitting at a table full of strangers, trying to make new friends when my eye caught sight of the deal of the day. For only $2.75 I could get one and I thought if i could get eleven people to each donate a quarter to my need, then I would be in soft pretzel heaven. Even though I nearly failed economics in college this example of supply and demand was not a hard one to figure out, even after a couple of drinks. Unfortunately, one of my friends was the only donor and I thought maybe it was because we were at the bar and no one had spare change, just credit cards. However, after further investigation I found this not to be true at all. The collecting of quarters is actually a formerly undiscovered hobby that my friends and I have breathed life into.

People don't part with cash very well but loose change, no problem. It's amazing how many people are willing to give up a quarter to a complete stranger without asking any questions. It's also amazing with what ease comes our flippant answer when asked what we're going to use the quarter for. The answer that answers all questions.

Don't worry about it.

We took our coin collecting one step further when manning the door of our bar. By manning the door I mean we posed as the doormen. We dressed up in handmade t-shirts with the doormen names on the back in iron-on letters and checked ID's, asked for quarters. We didn't charge a quarter, we just asked. Ask and you shall receive. The amount of quarters collected so far could rival and probably far exceed any 10-year old lemonade stand's profit. And it can definitely buy enough soft pretzels to satisfy my cravings.

I know you must think, haven't people caught on to your devious plan? Maybe they have but they're not saying anything. I think the question catches them off guard. They say 'yes' and start digging in their pockets, hoping they have a quarter to give our eager beavering souls. And then after we smile sweetly and thank them, they think, what the hell just happened? I know you must also think why would a bunch of 20-something year-old girls panhandle people for twenty-five cents. Don't be jealous. You know you wish you would've thought of it first. Who knows what we'll come up with next.

Stay tuned.

If You Can't Take the Heat

We're supposed to teach children to not touch a hot burner. It's so bright and inviting that a child's instinct is to want to touch it. No matter how much we tell them not to, how much it will hurt, their little hand wants to reach out and feel for themselves. If the child does this, if he or she gets one millisecond of the heat that comes from the burner, they will see for themselves that we weren't being militant adults, we were just trying to help them from getting hurt. When really though the thing that made them learn was getting burned. You can see where this is going.

I have a friend who dates inappropriate people. By inappropriate I mean horribly selfish, self-absorbed, narcissistic man whores. She wears her heart on her sleeve and gives any walking Joe a chance to take it and mash it up in his hands, which usually he does. She dated one guy in particular that we would fight about because I knew what kind of person he really was. He was a person that would play mind games, tell her things she wanted to hear but never followed through, made her feel inadequate, desperate and unworthy when in reality she was amazing, beautiful and of course could do so much better than him. Every time she let him back in and I had to listen to her complain about him letting her down it fueled the fire of our fights.

Years later, not that long ago though, I finally got it. I called her up and said I get it, what you were doing. She had to see for herself. She had to see if she was going to get burned. It didn't matter what I said, because half of the time she knew I was right, she just wanted to prove me wrong. She wanted to prove that the person that we fought so much about really was her Jake Ryan and I was a judgmental fool for thinking otherwise. But it wasn't my decision to make, wasn't my life it was affecting, no matter how hard I tried to make it that way.

I let my concern for her overpower what she was indirectly trying to tell me. She didn't care. At the time, she didn't care she was getting burned. Only she could decide when enough was enough and for me to fight with her and lecture her, it was only making it look that much more inviting. Why do we eat fast food if we know it's full of fat and cholesterol that will clog our arteries? Why do people smoke? Why do people do things that are bad for them when everyone around them is telling them not to? Because until they get burned, it seems like a good idea at the time.

People set different limits for themselves and are ultimately going to do exactly what they want no matter what anyone says. And for the most part, this is a very good way to live life. You listen to too many people and you forget how to make your own decisions, learn from your mistakes, find out what really makes you happy. We want something to show for our scars. Guess we have to remember that you have to go ahead and touch the burner to know just how good it feels when you take your hand away.